Soul Mates

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A friend of mine transcribed this passage (from Stephen Colbert and/or his writers) and I think it’s worth sharing.  Enjoy!

A letter from your Soul Mate:

Hey there.  I’m your soul mate, the one person on this earth who’s perfect for you in every way.  Yes, I exist, and yes, everyone else you’ve been with is a pale substitute.  We’re meant to be together, but we’ve never met.

You see, there are 6 billion people in the world and you encounter at most 1,000 people per day, so statistically our paths would cross only once every 16,500 years.  If we’re going to beat those odds you need to work harder, because so far you’ve done a spectacular job of messing this up.

Remember when you bought that pack of gum and the clerk asked you if you wanted a bag, but you were in a rush so you said no?  If you’d waited that extra three seconds you would have missed the next train, making you late for the play, so they wouldn’t have let you in the theater until the first scene was over, and I would have entered the lobby–also late–and we’d have got to talking.  We probably would have skipped the play and gotten coffee and then…  Pow!  Fifty years of golden summers at the lake house.

Another example: Remember when you signed up for that yoga class? you should have signed up for a pottery class. I was taking a pottery class!  How hard is that to figure out?  And don’t just sign up for a pottery class next time, because I might have moved on to hip-hop cardio.  I can’t tell you exactly where I’ll be because if you’re really my soul mate you’ll just know.  Please just get it right.  Last time I dealt with my disappointment by sleeping with the pottery instructor.

I guess what I’m saying is, next time you think about going to the museum today instead of tomorrow when I’ll be there, ask yourself:  Do you really want to spend the rest of your life alone?  Are you going to take the bus or are you going to walk?  If you do walk and it’s raining, how are you going to see me under my umbrella, unless I don’t have one and you share yours, or I share mine and that’s how we meet?  So remember: Never leave the house without an umbrella… or with one. It’s your choice.  I think I explained pretty clearly what’s at stake.

. Are you reading this at a book store?  I’m right behind you.  Turn around!

. Am I still there?

. God, you’re a slow reader.

Point is, hanging over every decision you make, however small, is the sword of our loneliness. I am out there.  Find me.  But please hurry. I know we’re meant to be together for eternity, but I can’t wait forever.

. Oh my God!  I just ran into my pottery teacher.  That’s so random.

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