Coming To Terms

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This post contains derogatory language. If you have a problem with that? B-bye, now!


The Mister has a spot high on his right cheekbone that is perpetually missed when he shaves. Unless, of course, he is showering with me while he shaves. Because I’m a little OCD about pointing out all the places he might be forgetting. This annoys him slightly (Woman! I’ve been shaving since before you were born!), but at least I know that if *his* razor is anywhere in *my* vicinity, the hair he typically sports there will be…


It’ll be bare.

But let’s not split hairs. 😉

I tell you this, dear reader, so that you will have some idea of what I’m talking about when the term ‘face pubes’ appears later in this post. Because that’s what I call the Mister’s oft-missed…er…fuzz. Face. Pubes.

Now then. On with the post!

So the other day I was telling my husband about a run-in I had with a colleague who, despite being the proud owner of a dick (he talks about it like it’s God’s gift to women everywhere; I have no idea how he gets away with this in our work environment, but he does), was behaving like a total cunt. (Yes, I said cunt. If that offends you, feel free to click away.) I was explaining the encounter to my spouse, who (after commiserating with me about the aforementioned cunt-y behavior) stopped me mid-rant and said, “What’s so bad about being a cunt? Cunts are awesome!”

(Insert eye roll here.)

“I’m an equal opportunity user of derogatory terms for genitalia,” was my reply. “I *like* dicks and I *am* a cocksucker, so there’s no way I’m going to identify this asshole with either of those terms. He was being a CUNT. You don’t have to *have* one to *be* one, you know.”

“Hmmm…” was his only reply.

A short while later, once my frustration was aired, we continued our discussion about ‘private’ terminology.

“I wonder if detectives secretly revel in the nickname ‘private dicks’?” I mused.

“Why is it that dicks are also dickheads?” he offered. “If this is equal opportunity insulting, shouldn’t there be cunt heads as well?”

“No,” I replied. But there are definitely cuntfaces.”


Later that evening, on our way out to dinner, I looked across the car’s console at him and noticed that ~ once again ~ he had missed a spot high on his cheekbone when shaving earlier in the day. I smiled at the familiar sight, stroked the fuzz there and said teasingly, “Hon, you need to shave your face pubes.”

He looked thoughtful for a moment before leveling me with a look that promised retribution.

Startled at his sudden change in demeanor, I returned his gaze with a look that promised something more along the lines of…oh, I dunno…a tickle fight(?), and said “What???”

Deadpan, he said, “I think you just called me a cuntface.”

0 thoughts on “Coming To Terms

  1. Bill

    I’m reminded of an exchange between Jay Leno and Lewis CK. Lewis CK made the observation that “Motherfucker” was the worst thing you could call someone. Then he added, “Another name for Motherfucker is Dad.” He had a point to his story. I’m very careful when I play with pointed objects.

    Sharp objects too, I haven’t shaved since my surgery. I’ve got a face full of pubes. That doesn’t really sound that bad does it?

    1. mrsfever Post author

      Doesn’t sound bad at all, Wild. Unless, of course, your cunt face has you trying to wrap your tongue around your whole head. That could be…erm…

      Never mind.

      As for motherfuckers: I’ve noticed in recent years that my mother’s temper is on a bit of a hair trigger. I know from my own experience that when I ain’t gettin’ any, I get a l’il ornery. So I assume momma ain’t gettin’ any. Which means my dad, apparently, is NOT a motherfucker. Considering his health issues, he probably isn’t any kind of fucker, come to think of it.

      And now I’ve totally skeeved myself out thinking about my parents having sex.

      Pardon me while I go barf.

    1. mrsfever Post author

      I’ve never been able to understand George Carlin. He seems to have a vocabulary that consists of ‘fuck’ and not much else.

      My ex (we’ll call him Army) used to listen to Carlin’s CDs in the car and laugh his head off. I, on the other hand, got distracted by all the “FUCK!”-ing and found myself wondering when Army was going to get around to fucking me again…

      So I often took matters into my own hands. Or mouth. Heh.

      Making a man cum while he’s driving is not so much a skill as it is an artform.

      But I digress.

      What were we talking about again…?


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