Selective Hearing

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This has been happening to me with greater frequency lately.  And by “happening to me” I mean I hear some weird shit.

Theory #1:  Perhaps because of my age?  (I *do* have a birthday coming up soon.)  

Um, no. Just... NO. Feve don't do this.

Um, no. Just… NO. Feve don’t do this.

Theory #2:  Perhaps it is due to my propensity for thinking/acting/responding and subsequently communicating in typically “male” ways?  {There might be something to that, I suppose.  I mean, let’s just be honest:  Selective Hearing is a typically-male phenomenon (that most often affects married males of a certain age).  Though *that* variety of Selective Hearing can be sub-categorized as Married Hearing, and has more to do with “I didn’t hear you say you wanted me to take out the garbage” (which actually means I forgot to take out the garbage -or- I didn’t feel like taking out the garbage) than anything else.  And I don’t take out the garbage.  (So we can delete that line of reasoning.  Especially because, no matter how male-ish my mental processes manifest…  I have a vagina.  ‘Nuff said.)  Hmmm…}

Theory #3:  Or perhaps it’s due to the fact that my brain is, more often than not, on an ADD Crash Course all its own, no matter (know matter?) what is going on around me.

Theory Most Likely:  Or maybe my mind is melting.

Nonetheless, regardless of theories, I hear some weird shit.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Example #1 (Which occurred in a vehicle, so I blame road noise) ~

What I heard:  I’m having a handicapped fiend for two days.
What he actually said:  I haven’t had any caffeine for two days.

Same thing, really.

Like this... Only not. If you see what I mean.

Like this… Only not. If you see what I mean.

Example #2 (Which occurred after a long bout of no-sex-for-Feve, so let’s call it a hormonal issue) ~

What I heard:  So, what do you want my flesh for?
What he actually said: So what did you eat my fudge for?

For the record, I did not eat his fudge.
I ate our fudge – Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory fudge – which was delicious.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

It is a good thing I come equipped (as do my partners) with {a} a Sense of Humor, and {b} the ability to accurately (re)interpret otherwise odd-sounding messages.  Elsewise…  Let’s just say these conversational mondegreens might make for some confounding controversies.  Or otherwise didactic dilemmas.

Imagine, if you will, a groom-to-be.  His beloved hears, “No socks before marriage.”  Ah, she thinks to herself, What to do, what to do…?  We certainly can’t run around barefoot all the time, now can we?  Particularly not in the midst of a Polar Vortex.  Oh wait…  Does he mean no socks in bed?  Or no socks on the floor?  Perhaps no socks on the pool table? Or maaaayyybe he would prefer that I wear stockings and garters instead of socks…

And so on.

Come, eunuch Asian.

Errr…  Communication.


0 thoughts on “Selective Hearing

    1. Mrs Fever Post author

      Sometimes I feel a bit more “Pinky” than “Brain”.

      Brain: Pinky, are you pondering what I’m pondering?
      Pinky: I think so, Brain. But where are we going to find a duck and a hose at this hour?

  1. The Suburban Domme

    “Excuse me while I kiss this guy”………yeah I’m am sure that is what Hendrix said–I don’t care what anyone says!

    (Oh and BTW I have a duck——if you find a hose we are good to go, ya’no?)

    1. Mrs Fever Post author


      And Manfred Mann most definitely sang, “Wrapped up like a douche, a mother runner in the night…”

      I have perfect hearing. 😉

      (I also have a hose. 😛 )

  2. wildoats1962

    I used to have fairly odd conversations with a coworker who retired a couple of years ago. One of our break times happened to coincide and he usually got to the breakroom about a minute ahead of me. It was enough time for him to switch on his bluetooth and start talking. I wouldn’t noticed the earpiece so I would start responding. I think that really annoyed him. I think it’s more common for people to be hard of listening rather than hard of hearing. The Smothers Brothers had a routine {Naked Bacon} about Miss Communie Kay Shun. I did get a smile from this. I have a hose too, but it gets kinky in the wintertime if it isn’t used.


    1. Mrs Fever Post author

      Serge Storms ~ Tim Dorsey’s Floridian serial killer who only kills people who need killin’ (like horn honkers and child exploitation managers) ~ started wearing a bluetooth so he could talk to himself and people wouldn’t think he was nuts.

      Hard of Listening. I like that term. 😉

      Glad to get a smile out of you, Wild. It’s good to exercise your facial muscles once in awhile.