In which Feve rambles about fantasies…

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Because I’ve been meaning to write some response-to-others’-thoughts type posts.
And I am avoiding doing chores.

ūüėÄ

.

Do you remember that song by Air Supply? ¬†The one that spouted all that nonsense about one woman being “every woman in the world”?

No?  Perhaps you are too young.  A sampling:

I was dancing in the dark with strangers
No love around me
When suddenly you found me, ohhhhh…

Girl, you’re every woman in the world to me
You’re my fantasy
You’re my reality

That is a fantasy.

That one woman Рthat one person Рcan be everything.  Specifically that they can be everything to/for/with one partner.

Aside: ¬†Yes, I recognize that this is supposed to be complimentary, but… ¬†Really? ¬†I mean… ¬†Really?!? ¬†Because if I’m having sex with you, I really don’t¬†want you to consider me as a¬†sister, yo. ¬†And while I may occasionally act as your mechanic, I would find it vastly annoying if you thought of me no differently than the chick who works the register at the auto parts store.

While what you can or can’t do/be with a partner is a topic worthy of its own post (I am more apt to ramble on other people’s blogs on this subject, however), it is something that affects my interpretation not only of (1) what a fantasy is, but¬†most especially (2) how a fantasy¬†plays out.

As for #1: ¬†I have no idea what a fantasy is. ¬†Because I DON’T HAVE THEM. ¬†The closest thing I have to a fantasy is wishing that I could have my very own laundry fairy.

The definition of a fantasy is as follows:

fantasy [fan-tuh-see, -zee] (n):  (a) extravagant, unrestrained imaginings in the form of unrealistic or fantastical mental images; (b) a conjured sequence that fulfills a psychological need; (c) hallucination

Yeah, no. ¬†I don’t fantasize.

Tom Allen wrote on the topic of The Typical Male Femdom Fantasy recently, and said:

The stories usually go something like this: A guy is getting bored in his relationship, and spends more time masturbating to porn, and less time romancing his partner. She notices his lack of interest and becomes upset (alternately, she thinks he‚Äôs having an affair), and then begins to snoop. She then finds his secret porn stash, or browser history that he forgot to erase, or his links to FetBook, or whatever, and thinks to herself ‚ÄúIf he wants a cruel bitch to dominate him, that‚Äôs exactly what he‚Äôs going to get, the bastard!‚ÄĚ

The unsuspecting guy then comes home to find his partner dressed in a leather jumpsuit, dangling cuffs from one hand and swinging a crop with the other. Or Ms. Vanilla suggests a little light bondage one evening, and after he’s securely tied down, she changes into her newly bought Dominatrix outfit and then…

The stories usually end with the couple enjoying their new life, generally with the woman totally comfortable with her new role, and the guy expressing some kind of ‚ÄúBe careful what you wish for‚ÄĚ ending.

This…

I don’t get this.

I don’t say that disparagingly; I just really, truly, honestly don’t.get.it.

Oh, I *get* that it would just be easier (on the wanna-be subby) for him to not have to put words to what’s on his mind, and that it would be so much simpler (again, for him) if she would just “discover” his interests/kinks/fetishes and then, of course, immediately embrace his wants as her own (because heaven forbid should she want anything different!) and set about making his every dream come true.

{No, I did not roll my eyes while typing that.  Seriously.  o_O  No, really!  Cross my heart and pinkie swear.}

And I *get* that in that easy, simple, immediate blah-blah-blah-ness, he doesn’t have to do any work (mental/emotional/communicative) to get what he wants. ¬†(Reality check, much?)

So in that way, I get that it’s a fantasy.

Of course it’s a fantasy. ¬†IT’S UNREALISTIC.

And that, I think, is the crux of the fantasy thing for me. ¬†I just don’t do unrealistic.

I also don’t…desire(?)…for lack of a better word…sexual things in a “general” kind of way. ¬†Some people do. ¬†And¬†intellectually, I can wrap my head around that. ¬†Maybe you’re into watersports (or pegging or bondage or whatever else) and who you do those things with doesn’t matter so much, so long as you do them. ¬†But that’s not how I roll. ¬†My desires are partner-specific, and that is exactly what they are: ¬†Desires. ¬†Wants. ¬†And those wants are based on what I know of that person, what their hot buttons are, what our dynamic is together, and what kind of pleasure I wish to give/take/share with that person.

Which brings me to my second point, which is How A Fantasy Plays Out.

SeattlePolyChick (who is, oddly enough, a poly chick¬†who lives in Seattle)¬†posted yesterday about one of her fantasies ~ which was partner-specific ~ and how, in her head, that played out. ¬†It was all about cuffs and piercings and blindfolds and fisting and fucking and D/s delights… ¬†But all of those things, and how they played out, were partner-specific. ¬†Her arousal and excitement and imagination and delight in thinking these thoughts, and sharing these wants, was very evidently magnified by the fact that it was not so much about the activities as it was about *participating* in those activities with select people.

THIS, I GET.

{Yes, I realize I am talking in all sorts of CAPITALS and italics and underlining¬†boldy-ness today. ¬†It’s called inflection, people. ¬†And it’s how I talk furreals when I’m in rambling mode. ¬†So you’ll just have to bear with.}

I get this because for me: ¬†It’s about the WHO, not just the WHAT.

I get it because it’s a want. ¬†And it’s specific, not only in terms of activity, but in terms of participant(s).

And if we (we = you + me) are…involved (for lack of a better word)…I want to know your wants. ¬†I want to know what turns you on. ¬†I want to know where you go in your head. ¬†And if you are “fantasizing” while we are…engaged (again, for lack of a better word)…I want to be part of that.

Well, to a point. ¬†I mean… ¬†If you are beating off to the thought of the Flying Wallendas fucking some rabid clowns in the center ring under the Big Top… ¬†Yeah, maybe not. ¬†I’ll just go visit the elephants while you do your thing.

But if you were thinking of me while you stroked your cock in the shower this morning?  I want to know that.  Tell me.  Specifically.  In detail.  More.  Please.  Let me be there with you in my mind.  Let me feel your arm around my waist and your teeth scraping my shoulder while you shield my face from the splash and press your body into mine.

Because all of those things… ¬†They aren’t unrealistic. ¬†They aren’t fantastical. ¬†They are – or can be – real. ¬†And they are based on who we are, and on who we are together. ¬†On things we’ve shared with each other, on desires we have for one another.

It’s not a fantasy.

It’s a WANT.

And oh boy, do I have wants…

Ahem.

SO.

Penny for your thoughts?

ūüėČ

0 thoughts on “In which Feve rambles about fantasies…

  1. wildoats1962

    On the one hand I get exactly what you’re getting at. On the other hand, I’m not wired that way. My wife and I both like porn. She likes particular actors, I like particular activities. That also relates to voyeurism versus desire. I like watching people enjoy themselves. Enjoying the view doesn’t mean I want to participate. If a fantasy is about a particular taboo, it can simply relate to flaunting societies norms. Also, fantasies don’t have to be sexual. A lot of people fantasize about winning the lottery, me included. I buy one ticket for each drawing, but I have yet to live out that fantasy. Daydreaming about nonsexual fantasies might make it easier to stretch the sexual fantasies as well. Reality has a nasty habit of not living up to those dreams. Winning the lottery for real might end up as pleasant as finding out that the hottest person you’ve ever desired has B.O..

    Fantasy can be a good tool for introspection. {so sayeth the loner}

    Reply
    1. Mrs Fever Post author

      You’re absolutely right that fantasy and sex do not have to go hand-in-hand.

      I find that my thought processes are much the same in terms of non-sexual fantasies as they are for the more carnal variety. When people say things like “If you were to win the lottery…?” I cringe. For one thing, I don’t play the lottery; for another, it seems an absurdist pastime to “spend” money – imaginarily – that I’ll never have in actuality. I do not wax rhapsodic about fantasmagorical vacation homes or horse ranches whatever else it is that people want to do with their Monopoly money.

      However, if my spouse (or lover or friend or parent) says, “Wouldn’t it be great to go to Iceland (or Hawaii or New Zealand or Timbuktoo)…?!?” *That* is a concept I can get behind, because it is concrete, it is a mutually stated/agreed-upon desire, and we can work together to make it happen.

      Voyeurism…

      Is it a separate thing from desire? I dunno, Wild.

      I know enough about you to ask this question though: Do you find you experience a greater or lesser (or the same) degree of arousal watching people you know and/or care about, as opposed to watching strangers (like at a swing club) or actors (a la porn)?

      For me, there’s a huge difference. But for me, connections are important.

      Take… Cock shots, for example. (The standard AFF profile pic, natch.)

      If I see a hard cock (in a photo or video), even if it is aesthetically pleasing, my general reaction is “Meh.” At best my response is lukewarm; typically it leaves me cold.

      But if I share an intimate connection with someone who is hard *for* ME, and they share a photo/video/aurally-erotic experience (Isn’t technology wonderful?!) *with* ME…

      THAT makes me hot.

      Reply
      1. wildoats1962

        For me they’re different but not greater or lesser. Physical beauty and somatotypes can be a big draw and great for fantasizing. Personality outweighs appearance when dealing with real people. If the physical is perfect and the personality stinks, it will ruin everything. I don’t know if shallow people grasp that or if they simply don’t care. Raging hormones can cause normally sane people to do stupid things.

        I’ve daydreamed about wealth fame and power as long as I can remember, daydreaming about sex didn’t start until puberty except as a curiosity wanting to learn. Even very little kids can see how hung up teens and adults are.

        Scratching an itch is different from solving a puzzle. Both feel good.

        Reply
  2. Ann St. Vincent

    I am sooooo on the same page as you. People ask me about my fantasies and I feel odd I don’t have any. There are some things I haven’t done and would like to do (more than 2 men at the same time, for example), but I don’t think about that when masturbating, and I’m only going to do it in a context with the right primary partner.

    So thank you for writing this. It makes perfect sense to me:)

    Reply
    1. Mrs Fever Post author

      Context. And partnership. Bingo.

      I have issues with bucket lists for this same reason. I don’t keep a checklist of things I want to do/try, and I don’t want to be a checkmark on anyone else’s list either. Yes, I have an interest in certain things, mostly in a Curious Kitty kind of way, but those things are… Malleable. Nebulous. Like so much clay, they only take form under the sculpting hands of mutual desire.

      Thanks for your comment, Ann. And for getting it.

      Reply
  3. kdaddy23

    Amazing piece, Mrs. Feve! Outside of the literal definition, a fantasy – at least in my experiences – is something that someone might want to do but is in someway inhibited from doing it, mostly out of fear of having the realization of that fantasy rejected out of hand, some inner fear related to self-image and the person just gets it into their head that although they’d like to experience whatever it is, they’re never going to get a chance to do it.

    I’m kinda like you – I don’t have any fantasies other than having a self-renewing money tree sitting in my living room. Still, there’s thinking… and then there’s doing and I understand that while someone can think of a lot of things they’d like to do with a partner (or anyone who might say yes to the sex), being able to do it can seen unrealistic to them, like the guy or gal who wants to have some group sex but they know – or, at the least has reason to believe – that their partner will hear of this want and then go all Freddie Kruger on them for it.

    Some things may be out of reach, say, wanting to visit every continent in the world as part of a grand tour and just because it can be done… but the costs involved are out of reach. Not impossible, just improbable. If fantasies have a real purpose, it’s to stimulate conversation, whether it’s a flight of fancy – that grand tour – or a more deeper need – things sexual. Because I believe that thinking and doing are not the same things all the time, yeah, it’s okay to talk to your partner about such things simply because it is sharing with them and probably more so when it’s quite possible the thing you think can never happen turns out to be something that does.

    Reply
    1. Mrs Fever Post author

      Inhibitions: Oh yes! And you’re absolutely right. Fear is a huge factor when it comes to communicating, especially when that communication is about sexual interests/curiosities/desires. And in my experience, group sex is something people think about a lot (um, hellloooo… one of the top hetero male fantasies is an FMF), but sometimes those things that are perfect/awesome in one’s head are pretty disastrous in real life. I think part of the reason for that is because a lot of people have this (unrealistic) expectation – often based on porn or erotic writings – that nobody needs to talk about anything ahead of time; it’ll just all flow organically and nobody will get their feelings hurt (I talked to somebody recently whose former spouse sprung a threesome on him when they were young – it did not turn out well) or have to worry about those pesky practical things like…say…pregnancy and disease. o_O

      And then of course there are those people who go there in their head – for whatever reason – but are just not wired that way in real life. My husband and I witnessed one couple having a meltdown at a swing club. {Everybody still had their clothes on at that time too; the club has rules about space and timing, and one of the primary reasons for that is so that the people who are gonna freak out have a chance to get it over with before it ruins anyone else’s night.} The woman was fine. The man was freaking out, getting angry, wanted to leave (they did)… But he was the one who had spent months trying to convince her to go. It was pretty obvious that what he’d imagined/fantasized was very different from the reality. And – gasp?!? – there were other men who were looking at his spouse with obvious sexual interest in their eyes. Can you imagine?! (Yep, that was sarcasm.) The good thing: they were communicating. The bad thing: they did not communicate – at least not about the right things – ahead of time.

      And communication is the key.

      If fantasies have a real purpose, it’s to stimulate conversation . . .

      ^^THIS, I can get behind. And this, for me, is what my whole nebulous/malleable “curiosities” thing is about. (See my comment to Ann, above.) I still don’t have “fantasies” per se, but there are activities that interest me. And they can make for fabulous conversation. Have you ever… -or- I’ve seen… -or- What do you think about… can lead to some interesting discoveries. Put those feelers out there! And if there are curiosities in common? That’s worth exploring. (To a point. I have hard limits. But I communicate those clearly and concisely. Outside of that, though… I think limits/boundaries are shaped between the people who are in the relationship. Not every relationship is the same. So really, the sky is the limit.) And if someone wrinkles their nose up or is otherwise uninterested in a topic/activity? That’s fine! (Provided they are respectful about it; but I have never been involved with someone who wasn’t.) There are plenty of other options to explore!

      Reply
  4. wildoats1962

    Not intending to get too geeky about this, but in the pilot for Star Trek Captain Pike has the opportunity to spend life with this one girl but the planet’s inhabitants can make her seem like anyone. Acting ability, costumes, can all play roles in fantasy. But some people really ARE better actors. The biggest problem is getting people to loosen up enough to try, Halloween helps. If you get a person into a costume that’s half the battle. It allows a person to go Wild without their partner thinking they’re too silly.

    Reply
    1. Mrs Fever Post author

      Heh. “Go Wild” indeed. ūüėõ

      I’ve never tried the costuming bit, but I’ve never had a partner ask me for that either; like I said to kdaddy, I tend to operate on the Sky Is The Limit philosophy of boundary-setting, so if someone I was with *was* into that, I’d likely be game.

      Role-playing is much the same way. And acting ability… Yes, I can see why some people have a preference for thespians. ūüėČ Pretending to be a desperate client seducing a P.I. is one thing. Pretending to be a creature that doesn’t really exist is something else entirely. Though it’s great fuel for the imagination. A friend shared that he’d role-played a sexual scene using fantasy characters (a D&D type thing), and I will admit it got me wondering whether fairies experience erotic delight when their wings are stroked. ūüėČ

      Loosening up is a Good Thing. And it doesn’t require getting tight.

      And silly is just fine. Laughter is a fantastic aphrodisiac. ūüôā

      Reply
  5. wildoats1962

    I have only met one person who was into the dress up scene. I have talked to probably about a dozen or so from the old BBS days. So far everybody I’ve talked to started with Halloween. A few transvestites got started that way back in the days of old. The Rocky Horror Picture Show would draw some cuties from both genders and it was typically shown at midnight on Halloween here. Costumes are superficial, but that is one way to create ambiance. Three of my former coworkers {they’re ALL retired now, lucky fucks} used to go to a danceclub together. All females, they didn’t like going alone. One was married the other two were single. The two single girls had never met D’s husband. D and her hubby decided to play a trick. He went in alone, after they got there he proceeded to “Pick up” D. The next day, after a night in the hotel, they clued the others in. She called one of them for a ride home from the hotel in the AM, and guess who greeted them at the door. “What’s your husband going to say when you’ve been gone all night?” “There he is. Ask him.” I would’ve liked to see her expression. I did hear about it from all three of them. There is a porn web site, “Wifey’s World”. I’ve seen their free samples and it seems like they get into the role playing. Their sense of fun comes through.

    Reply
  6. Jayne

    I have fantasies but they arew fantasies and I know it. As far as the wants – with a specific person in mind. That is what drives me insane at times. I’ve never really understood the fulfillment of a bucket list or why I don’t have any desire to have one until you explain things this way. A specific partner to imagine or feel things about is definitely the key.

    Reply
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