Or at least one person, at one time, wanted to know. 😉
The following is an interview of sorts. The questions were posed by an individual who was interested in collaborating, and they were originally framed with the intent of introducing me to her audience.
I’m still waiting to see if anything comes of that. Meanwhile, I thought you (yes, you!) might like to have a read. 🙂
Mrs Fever, a Sex Blogger and avid perpetrator of the Lifestyle from Temperature’s Rising:
Heh. We’re not even to the questions yet and already I could write a book. 😉
I strongly dislike the term “Lifestyle”.
Everybody from raw foodists to yogis to BDSM-ers to Chastity Fetishists to Swingers refer to themselves as “being in the lifestyle” and frankly, it’s a concept that promotes an elitist, our-way-is-better-than-your-way attitude through a single piece of vocabulary that’s designed to make people feel more important than they actually are. Or, perhaps, to give them a one-up word. As in, “Oh, I’m in the lifestyle,” like that’s somehow BETTER than only doing __________ in the bedroom or on the weekends or when on vacation or or or…
:: eyeroll ::
There are levels and spectrums in all aspects of life; beliefs and practices, particularly where sex is concerned, are diverse and varied and as long as all parties are on the same page about what is happening, and there is full consent, it’s all good. Do your thing. And if you only do a specific “thing” (whether that’s visiting a dungeon or going to a swing club or denying your partner orgasm) every year at Christmas time or once a month or once in a lifetime or if you do it every single day… I think that’s awesome. You’ve figured out what you like and you’re making it happen. YOUR way. Lifestyle, schmifestyle.
Do you consider yourself a Swinger, Poly, or are there no labels attached?
I don’t refer to myself as being “in the lifestyle” (because I’m NOT), or as a Swinger (because I’m NOT), or as polyamorous (because I’m NOT), or as any other pre-constructed, definitive, “if you’re not doing it THIS way, then you’re not doing it RIGHT” label.
I dislike labels.
If you need to label me, go with this: I am a person. 😉
A lot of sex bloggers are forced to remain anonymous due to the fact our society, although evolving, we have yet to fully shed from the social stigma: sex is a taboo, and any interference between their personal life and professional life could be met with consequences. Does thought of knowing your personal life could perhaps accidentally seep into your professional as well as family life ever haunt you?
There are a few people I know in real life who have access to my blog (one of whom is a colleague – we ran into each other at a sex club once; OY!), and there are blog readers I’ve met in real life. Divulging personal information to others is always a risk, whether online or in meat life. Once in a while, it’s a risk worth taking. 🙂
After reading one of your posts on the ‘lifestyle’ in your hometown, I cannot help but to wonder how the lifestyle scene is compared to Las Vegas. Even in the most carnal of cities where the parties are extravagant and lifestyle thrives, with the exceptions of a few new faces, I find the private parties and social events are usually greeted by the same willing couples. Thus this perpetual routine of recycling partners tends to occur. Do you find yourself faced with the same issues?
Ah, yes. The Incestuous Community Factor.
I have only gone to a couple of local clubs and I only attend very rarely. Each time there have been completely different people in attendance. Swinging, especially, is something a lot of couples seem to want to try, and since the one club I prefer is welcoming to newbies, that probably influences matters.
I’ve turned down every invitation I’ve received for house parties, because I am not willing to be party to activities that are illegal or that make me uncomfortable. In a club, there are rules. If you don’t follow the rules, you are escorted off the property and asked not to return. In a person’s house, there are only house rules, and those rules are only occasionally stated and rarely enforced. I don’t want to be around people who are drunk or high, or around illegal substances that put a person in that state. I will not be subject to harrassment or “no means maybe” behavior. I could go on, but I think you get the point.
In the local clubs, you sign a consent and confidentiality form, and you know exactly what is expected of you. In somebody’s home… Not so much.
So I prefer clubs. Especially because the ones here are feminine-centric (it’s *NOT* 400 single men to every 3 married women; it’s mostly couples with a few single females), and the one I prefer is a zero-alcohol facility.
My experience in people’s homes – outside of “parties” – has been a mixed bag. It can be more intimate, but it can also be problematic. Sometimes, people think that because they are hosting they are somehow entitled to specific attentions. Nope!!!! You are *entitled* to precisely NOTHING. Not even my company. ESPECIALLY not my body.
Going back to the perpetual recycling of partners… My work friend that I mentioned above has complained of this problem. The same people, fucking the same people, everywhere. But it’s probably just like anything else that is a ‘niche’ activity. You’re going to run into the same people fairly often if you go to local pottery workshops every weekend, yes? This is no different. I think if you want variety and you want to be all ALL SWING, ALL THE TIME!, you need to either (a) get used to local cuisine, or (b) travel to try out new tastes.
Meeting people online and then getting together in person can provide some variety, but usually it means one or both parties have to be willing to travel, even if it’s just to drive an hour or two.
Other than the fact you’re evidently a talented writer, what initially piqued your interest enough for you to want to share your most intimate moments of your life with others?
When my husband and I started opening up our marriage, the first online platform we used to look for play partners had a blog hub. The concept of blogging – let alone blogging about sex – was new to me at the time, and after reading along for a short while on others’ blogs, I was hooked on the idea. I decided to start writing a blog myself instead of just reading others’, and it grew from there.
I have a hard time classifying myself as a Sex Blogger, honestly. It’s a label I’m slowly embracing, because… Yes, I do write about sex.
But I ALSO write about a lot of other things: family, mental health, body issues , love, music, hardship… LIFE. So for a long time it was hard for me to see myself as a Sex Blogger (which always appeared, highlighted in my mind, in giant flashing neon with exclamation points and a huge arrow pointed at me, saying HERE), but then I read a great opinion piece about What A Sex Blogger Is that helped me recognize that my de-compartmentalized style of blogging doesn’t mean I’m NOT a sex blogger; it simply means that, among other things, I blog about sex.
It’s still startling when someone refers to me that way though. And I feel like I have to give a disclaimer. Like, “Blogger in mirror is less lubricated than she appears” or something.
As for the reasons I record my intimate moments… It’s a way to preserve details that may otherwise be forgotten. It’s a way to process events and emotions in way that is healthy and cathartic. The writing itself isn’t always sexual, but it *is* pretty intimate; I show people the inside of my marital relationship, share my thought processes, show my emotions, and generally “put myself out there” – all of which can be scary, but the reward has been worth the risk. Blogging is an enjoyable interactive activity both for myself and the members of my reading community. Writing regularly keeps my mental muscles stretched. My website is my own and is a platform from which I can share experiences that others may fear they are alone in, sexually or otherwise.
Saying things like “THIS happened to me” and “I get off on THIS” and “THESE are my fears” and and and…
On the one hand, it can be an exercise in vulnerability. I show. I share. A lot.
Then again, as my husband pointed out recently: It’s possible for people to glean quite a bit about me by reading my blog but still walk away not knowing me at all.
It’s rather like a striptease in shadows. On display, but hidden. You see bits and pieces as I reveal them, softly illuminated. No spotlight glare, just enough hints to make you guess at what’s there.
In regards to the last question, the challenges sex industry employees face like is the stereotyping that follows closely behind it. I tend to find myself in situations wherein I am objectified and ridiculed by strangers with this misogynistic mindset “you’re behaving slutty so I will treat you like a second class citizen.” Are you faced with the same stereotyping issues, and if so, how did you handle the situation?
Stereotypes… I think feelings around sex and sexuality are so varied that it’s a hard question to address.
I’m breaking a norm, I suppose, in that monogamy is considered “normal” and I follow an ethically non-monogamous construct in my marriage. At the same time, I’m just living my life AS A SEXUAL BEING, which is just as important as living as a spiritual being or a tactile being or an intellectual being. Talking about sex is not a big deal to me. It pretty much never has been. So I just live my life and don’t preach to other people about how they should be living theirs and life goes on as normal.
The stereotype thing doesn’t apply to me too much in real life. I’m the proverbial girl-next-door. Even if you’ve read my blog religiously since its inception and stared at all my posted photos for hours, you would never recognize me if you passed me on the street. People who see me or only know me surfacely (which is 99.999% of all the people I’ve ever encountered) would never guess that I’m anything other than an every-Saturday-night and only-with-my-husband kind of girl.
As for the whole “you’re behaving like a slut” thing: Nope, never happened. I had one commenter get a little high and mighty with me on a blog post once. I chose to delete his comment and not engage. When people have been overly aggressive or come across as rude (always men), I refer them to The Rules and put them gently in their place. Most folks have no idea how they “sound” in comments, because everything is open to interpretation (mood, intention, humor, etc), so on the rare occasion I get something questionable, I tend to deflect with humor and lead by example in terms of showing the reader how to “present” those things, by using emoticons or starred actions (like *laugh* or *nodnodnod*) or bracketed thoughts, like […pondering…]
And just a quick word about how the stereotyping tends to affect “people in and around the sex industry”… I dislike the concept of sex as an INDUSTRY. Like it’s just a transaction. Business as usual. Bought, sold, and traded. Bleh.
It CAN be, yes. And in horrifying and devastating ways throughout history (prostitution, sexual slavery, child pornography, human trafficking, the correlated drug use, resultant abuse and abandonment of babies born to addicted sex workers, etc), it has been. And the “industrialization” of sex – for these reasons – is not something I wish to be associated with. Due to my personal experiences, I have a slew of opinions about sex and money, and the ways the two should and should not be combined.
To be clear: It is not my intention to stir up controversy. I don’t wish to create a debate, and I realize that for many, this is a touchy subject. I respect that; it is for me too. It’s complicated, to say the least. And while sex and money don’t *have to* be a combination that incites negative responses in people, the simple fact is that it often does. So while I understand your question – and it’s a very legitimate question – I want to make clear that my answers to this particular question are based in personal experience; I am NOT a Sex Businesswoman. Just as I don’t categorize myself as being “in the lifestyle,” neither do I categorize myself as a person who is a member of “the sex industry.”
In your blog you’ve mentioned you enjoy double penetration. This may be a pretty rhetorical question, however as a DP virgin I am curious of how this works in a social situation. I have seen live Brazzer porn shows and even with their pre-cleansing guidelines, accidents do happen. Have you ever been faced with such a challenge and if you don’t mind, do share?
Double Penetration: I’m assuming you are referring to this? 😉
I’ve only done DP with toys, so I can’t tell you how it goes when there are two live cocks involved. While I would love to have that experience, I haven’t found the right partners for it.
And no, I’ve never had a ‘poo’ issue with anal sex. All I can say about that is (a) never do anal penetration after eating, and (b) be in tune with your biology. If your digestive system is working on something, it’s best not to interfere. 😛
Considering how lengthy this post is, I think that is – indeed – enough said.
For now. 🙂
I have some topic-specific Q&As, based on readers’ inquiries, that I intend to post soon. Stay tuned.
And if you have questions of your own, feel free to comment below or send them to me via my contact form, which can be found here.