Reader Q&A: Dating Advice for a Young Man on the Autism Spectrum

NOTE:  Accessibility is a big deal to me.  I devote a significant amount of time and energy in both my work life and my personal relationships ensuring equity, and have the educational background, career expertise, and personal experience to do so in meaningful ways.  That said; I wholly admit that there are multiple approaches to any situation and that I am far from perfect.  If you choose to read on, kindly keep that in mind.

AND:  If you are on the autism spectrum, or have ever been in a relationship with someone who is, I’d love to know your thoughts.  If you have something beneficial to share, please do so.

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Once in a while, I receive a message via my contact form that begins a dialogue worth sharing with a greater audience.  A few months ago, one such exchange – in which a young man, who identifies as being “socially awkward (high-functioning Asperger’s),” solicited my advice about a variety of topics related to dating – brought up some points that I felt deserved a more public veneration.

I let him know at the outset that I am not particularly qualified to give “dating advice.”  [Insert giant red DISCLAIMER notification here.]  I’ve pretty much never ‘dated’ in any kind of traditional way; my thoughts and feelings about relationships are rooted in my own experience, and not only is that experience slightly atypical in the long term (in both form and function), but also – as is true with all people, in different ways – it has been highly individualized.

I am a firm believer in that what ‘works’ in relationships has everything to do with the people involved and how they relate to one another.  There is no generalized “female experience” (though standardized socialization and – often traumatic – shared experiences exist among members of the female population; #MeToo is a testament to that fact), and there is no “Do Thing A to get Result B” prescription for interacting with female members of the species.

Basically:  There is no One Right Way™.

HOWEVER

Being on the autism spectrum often means being unable to interpret social cues.  It means feeling awkward sometimes, and other times being oblivious to the awkwardness others are feeling.  It often means not being sure what is okay and what is not, and not understanding the social/emotional context of another person’s responses/reactions.  Which means that ‘advice’ along the lines of “Do your own thing” is not particularly helpful.  So while normally I would be very much about sharing my personal experience and leaving the ‘advice’ out of it, this time I chose to incorporate some concrete examples in my responses.

As I told my young reader:  These are by no means prescriptive; they are just ideas you can use to get a clearer picture.

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(As is often the case in conversational text, the questions/concerns were couched in fairly personal, somewhat awkward, semi-story form; I’ve condensed the actual questions into four separate ‘areas of concern’ out of respect for the writer’s privacy and to make for an easier conceptual flow.  I’ve put the more concrete advice/examples in bolded text.)

1. Being Confident and Navigating Changing Social Standards

I cannot tell you how to be confident, but I can tell you how I interpret confidence, and that is:  A man who is confident is comfortable in his own skin.  He accepts himself for who he is and has the grace to allow other people their foibles.  For all the “be yourself” and “be confident” advice out there, I’d counter with “Learn to accept yourself for who you are and you will be more comfortable in your own skin.”  That, in turn, displays as self-confidence.  And self-confidence is an attractive quality.

As for the social standards and #MeToo concerns, I think a simple solution is to *think* before you speak or act.  Think to yourself, “Is what I’m about to say or do going to show this woman my respect for her?”  If the answer is no, then you need to choose another course of action.

NOTE for Readers:  He was very concerned about finding a navigable line – of having an understandable set of “rules” to follow for how to show interest without being too forward – in his interactions with women in light of all the #MeToo allegations that he’d seen in the media.

If you are concerned about body language, or – to use your words – “coming across as a creep,” there are a few simple ways you can gauge whether you are behaving in a socially acceptable manner.  Making eye contact is usually a good thing when it comes to communicating with another person, but if it stresses you out or makes you feel like you are staring, you can always either {1} mentally count to three and then shift your position (i.e., tilt your head or nod or put your hand in your pocket or pick up your pen or smile or something), or {2} switch your gaze back and forth from looking her straight in the eyes to looking somewhere else on or near her face (at her cheek, chin, earlobe, etc).  If standing, be sure not to invade her personal space by keeping enough room between the two of you for another person to easily walk through.

2. Meeting Women

I really don’t know how you ‘should’ go about meeting women.  I have never used a dating app and have not heard anything good about them.  I have always met people in random places and when a friendship has bloomed, sometimes it has flowered into something bigger.  There may be meet-up groups in your area that you could attend around an area of interest (there are often public meet-ups geared toward people who like to hike or who are songwriters or who play board games or run marathons, etc), or you could join a club, church, or volunteer organization that you’re willing to commit some time to; you’re bound to meet people with similar interests.

3. On whom does the responsibility lie for first approach?

This depends on a myriad of factors.  If you you are interested in someone, be attentive.  If and when it is emotionally safe to do so, be direct.  Saying something like, “I really enjoy talking with you” or “You’re fun to be with” is perfectly okay.  Jumping straight to ‘hitting on’ a woman or trying to get in her pants?  Not so much.

If you are looking for a Female-Led Relationship, and you want a woman to take the lead, then you’ll just have to wait it out.  But letting someone know that you’re keen on them can be done in a variety of non-threatening ways.  Just be polite and be genuine.

4. How do I admit my fears?  How can I prepare for it so I don’t do it the wrong way?

You’ve heard the saying, “Don’t put the cart before the horse”?  Admitting your fears about sex and intimacy comes *after* you’re already in an emotionally safe relationship.  Knowing how to have that conversation will depend a lot on your relationship with person with whom you are conversing.  Since that’s an unknown…  Cart and horse.

People are often shy or nervous to talk about what they want sexually as well as what they are afraid of.  It’s not ever going to be an “easy” conversation, but if you’re taking those steps with someone you’ve already established a bond with, treat the conversation like you would any other.  And always put her welfare first.  “I’m worried about hurting you” or “Will you show me what you like?” are female-centric conversation openers.  (As opposed to “What if I do it wrong?” or “I don’t know how” which are focused on yourself.)  It’s also sometimes easier to discuss things in writing, so if you meet someone and you get to the ‘conversation about fears’ stage, you can always tell her, “I’m feeling a little vulnerable about a few things.  Would you mind if I sent you an email?”

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And I don’t mind at all, dear readers, when you send me emails.  😉

I’m also fond of reading your comments.

Please feel free to leave your thoughts in the space provided below.  🙂

IMAGE NOTES:  All images found via Google search, assumed uncopyrighted, and credited in order of appearance as follows:  harrishsairaman.com, Pintrest, jokeaz.com, cerebralmatters.com.