I have tried THREE TIMES to publish this post, and it hasn’t shown up on the Reader yet. I expect the third time to be the charm. If not, there’s a bottle of Tequila in the fridge and I know what to do with it: bash my computer screen in. Grrrrr!
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Birthdays, Beaches, and Bingo Wings
The Mister has a birthday coming up soon and I’m trying to figure out what to do with him.
Wait. I know what to do with him. Let me rephrase.
The Mister has a birthday coming up soon and I’m trying to figure out where to take him to celebrate.
Last year we rented a condo on the coast from some folks who had yet to come out of the (closed, locked) closet: 
I (unlocked and) opened the closet door anyway, of course. (Ever resourceful, I am.) All that was in there was a washing machine and dryer. But since it was labeled as being for ‘personal use’, I just figured someone had a thing for the spin cycle. Or maybe they go in the laundry closet to Snuggle or Bounce when they’re suffering from static cling? Hmmm… The mind wanders.
Anywhoo…
Last year we chilled (actually, it was unseasonably warm the weekend we were there) by the water for my husband’s birthday, where we rehearsed our own balcony scene before trekking along the beach with the dog.
We took turns flying a kite (it was *his* birthday present, but I flew it too!), hung out in a hot tub (sorry, can’t share; those pictures are slightly pornographic), and discovered a whole new meaning for morning wood:
I tend to look at driftwood the same way I look at clouds… Ooh, I see a camel!
Then, in the evenings, we watched this…
A sunset is a feeling; a whisper, a shush, a sigh. The camera’s lens will never do it justice.
And mussed this: 
(Yes, that is a water bottle and not one, but two, bottles of lube you see on the night stands. We take our various hydration needs seriously around here, thankyouverymuch.)
But I digress.
The point is, the Mister has a birthday coming up and I need to figure out what to do with him. (You know what I mean.) And I’m sort of freaking out. Not because I only have about two weeks to come up with something spectacular. Not because last year’s excursion turned out (rather unexpectedly) to be ~ according to my spouse ~ The Best Getaway Ever, and now I feel like I have to somehow ‘top’ (heh) that experience. (Augh! The pressure!) Not because it’s a birthday ending in zero. (It’s actually a birthday ending in three.) Nope. Nuh-unh. None of the above.
I’m freaking out because ten years ago I gave (the man who would become) my husband my phone number, and he called me, and we’ve essentially been together ever since. I’m freaking out because when I gave my life partner my phone number ten years ago, I unwittingly gave him the best birthday present he would ever receive: ME. (Yes, I truly am that amazing.) I’m freaking out because all of that happened ten years ago. Ten. Years. Ago. A decade! And isn’t a decade supposed to feel like a century? Or a millennium? Or something? But it doesn’t! I’m freaking out because ten years feels more like ten months. Or ten days. Or ten minutes. And I’m freaking out because even though it’s HIS birthday, it marks a ten year anniversary (of sorts) for us, which means I’M getting old. (Holy saggy boobs, Batman!) And everyone knows that when you get old, your vajayjay loses its elasticity and your labia lips start flapping around between your thighs like fucking (literally: fucking) Bingo Wings, and the next thing you know you’re being asked to donate that extra skin to some guy in the hospital burn unit who needs a new pair of earlobes or something.
That’s why I’m freaking out.
Gah!
So go ahead and peruse the pics in this post. Meanwhile, I’m going to contemplate the curious configurations of ‘morning wood’ and get my freak on.
Erm…
Freak out, I mean. Freak out.
Ack!
And then I’m going to figure out what to do with my husband for his birthday.
(And if you have suggestions, please feel free to voice them. Unlike the poor bastard in the burn unit, I’m all ears.)
Hmmmm, I hope this site isn’t getting all glitchy.
This is the third time I saw this post. The first time I tried to click “like” and then it couldn’t be found. Then there was more added the second time around and I successfully “liked” the post. 🙂
And now here it is again! 😀
Sorry, I don’t have any B-Day surprise tips to give you. 🙁
If the Evil Ay Eff Eff Glitch has migrated, I’m gonna be awfully pissed. Grrr…
You get my posts via email though, don’t you? For some reason, this is showing up on my site page, but it’s not showing up in the WordPress Reader (i.e., it’s not showing up with other posts tagged ‘humor’ or ‘pets’ or ‘photography’), and it’s beyond annoying. It’s STILL not there.
Oh, and the first time it ‘posted’, half of what I’d written went missing. Poof!
Aaaaaauuurrrggh!
I give up. 🙁
Thanks for reading and liking and commisserating and stuff. 🙂 I’ll get the birthday shenanigans figured out in short order. I have to get over myself (and my ever-increasing age) first. 😛
Bingo Wings is a new expression for me, never heard that one before. I watched a documentary the other day called “After Porn”. It featured mostly retired porn stars, One of whom had her labia reduced and shaped {Hmm}. Randy West made the remarkable claim that he has had sex with 30,000 women ON FILM. I don’t think I’ve even been laid that many times.
I think about getting older sometimes. I’ve had the same employer now for 26 years, some of my coworkers weren’t born when I started. But I also remember the old guys that were there when I started, and they started before I was born. I’m coming up on 51 in February.
You know how older women get that chicken-flap thing going on under their arms? The flapping of their ‘wings’ is most commonly displayed when winning Bingo. Hence, Bingo Wings.
I pretty much avoid porn. But the films I have watched seem to feature women whose snatches look like they’ve been turned inside out. I’m sure there are plain ol’ girls next door who have extremely boring sex lives and whose vaginas are also shaped that way. But *my* insides are NOT falling out all over the place, so I refer to overly loose lips as Porno Pussy.
Happy early Birthday, Wild.
Bingo Wings is a good one….and I have seen porn with the snatches that look like they’ve been turned inside out and wonder how the fuck that happened. My insides are not falling out either, I do have to pull up a bit to make it look like it use to but hey I did have two huge kids, and still my insides are not falling out….I am looking forward to the day when my kids put me in a nursing home and I can walk around asking anyone and everyone if they want to see my boobs and then lift my shirt up to my belly button!! or the days when I laugh so hard I have tears running down my legs, I waiting for that one…..
THANK YOU. My husband sees elephant-flap snatch and is like, “Oh, that’s just how some women are shaped.”
Uhmmm…
NO. That’s just how some porn star’s uterus falls out. 😛
My, time sure flies when You’re having FUN! Congratulations on Your Anniversary (WOW 10 YEARS!!!) and Happy Birthday to the Mister! I’m sure the Mister agrees with with You that You are the best present He ever received. What beautiful pictures of the coast!
How to top last years excursion? The Desert is beautiful this time of year especially around Indian Wells even for those who love to golf in their sleep…LOL!!! 🙂
Thanks for the conflatterations. 🙂
I’ve only been to the desert a couple times. Once to Vegas and once to Phoenix. I’ll have to look into it.