So I think my last post might have confused people slightly (Coming out? What?), as this little bitlet from the comments section {comments edited for relevance} so clearly illustrates:
Me: Things are working just fine the way they are right now, taking into account the needs of all parties involved. But I *do* think about the who, what, how, when, and why of Coming Out where poly is concerned.
Jayne: Aaahh so thats what you’re doing… I think I like poly.
Me: (internal dialog = fuckshitdmnaduckeryfuckfuckfuckinglabelsfuckingHATEthem) I don’t buy into most of the “rules” and “definitions” for polyamory. And I intentionally choose NOT to label myself that way. (Thus, the title of this post.) But we do not have a traditional marriage by any means.
See, here’s the deal. I am, for most practical purposes, monogamous. Errr… Monogamish.
The mono part comes into play as follows: I am married. I am committed to a life partnership with my husband. I wear a ring. We raise fur babies together. We are entwined in all the usual ways (emotionally, financially, sexually) and it’s pretty much a til-death-do-us-part type thing.
The ish part takes into consideration things like: I am married, but I am a committed partner to more than just one person. I am entwined emotionally, sexually, spiritually, etc. with more than one person. And “I love you” from me is pretty much a lifelong commitment, so… You do the math.
And then there is the whole ‘poly’ thing. Which, as you can surmise from the ish factors listed above, is pretty much… Y’know… DUH. Except that polyamory ~ where The Poly Community (which is a whole ‘nother topic altogether) is concerned ~ has started the morphology that all sociologically marginalized groups/beliefs go through, and there are all these Rules and Expectations and blah blah blah about This Is How You Do Poly, and if you don’t Do Poly This Way, you are Doing It Wrong. Which reaaallllly doesn’t work for me. Nobody gets to choose who I love or how I love them but me. With input and investment from the person{s} with whom I am share my love, obviously. (Confused? ME. TOO.)
And then there is the whole ‘amorous’ part of being polyamorous, which means that ~ for me ~ as a descriptive term… Polyamorous is not quite accurate. Not that I’m not amorous. I am. And when I love, I love fully, deeply, and fiercely. So yeah, I’m amorous. But it’s not always a love thing, right? So while I am amorous in a poly kind of way, I think ~ in the overall scope of my activities; past, present, and future ~ maybe I’m more of a… Polyfuckerist.
I like sex, you see. And while I *do* (currently) prefer sex within {a} committed relationship{s}, that doesn’t mean that all my sexual activity with all my sexual partners ever, in the history of the universe, has been that way. Nor does it mean that it will be that way forever and ever and ever amen.
Like, there’s the threesome thing.
And my exhibitionist streak.
And my adventurous side.
And I like spanking.
And… Y’know… Other stuff.
And then there’s the whole sex-and-gender / heart-vs-behavior bender, which…
And let’s not forget that the whole idea of being in partnership{s} with other people means that their needs and desires have to be taken into account and respected.
Plus, *I* have needs, yo.
And…
GAH!
‘Kayso for NOW, let’s just say…
My name is Mrs Fever, and I am a Monogamish Polyfuckerist.
Except that I’m amorous. In a kinda-sorta-but-not-quite-poly I Will Love You Forever kind of way, which is why the coming-out factor is even a factor.
And I’m 99% D, except when I’m 50% s. But that is another subject entirely.
So. I think that should clear it up.
Any questions?
This is fascinating
Or something.
Long time reader, first time commenter here. So where are the cookie recipes? 😀
I already sent you cookie recipes, Monkey. 😛
Well I know that, but what about your loyal readers who might want a great peanut butter cookie recipe? 🙂
Dude! I have to clear up your idea of what you thought I thought. I say this nicely and respectfully waving my finely embroidered hanky: You misjudged my perspective and knowledge on the subject. I dare say you have more of a problem with that word than I do. I have a word like that and hate when people bring the subject up so I understand your passion about being defined by a word you don’t necessarily care for.
I learn about you from you and that word that shall not be named, didn’t deadlock you into a closed system of relationship styles. ALL I got from your descriptive word was that you love – like – fuck – talk to – more than one guy/person whatever, but I’ve always got the picture that you’re married to one special one. I didn’t all of a sudden have you pigeon-holed into whatever role some community says. People that follow rules so strictly in anything scare me and I stay clear of them. There are no rules for people who think for themselves – it comes down to personal decisions as far as I’m concerned. As far as me saying I think I like poly – I admire the guts and personal work you have to do to get beyond jealousy, selfishness, sharing, and whatever petty crap that the main couple has to overcome to make it work. Thats my take and I’m sticking to it…today. J
I got where you were coming from, my dear. 🙂 I didn’t feel pigeon-holed or judged by your comments at all. If there was a blogger voted Least Likely To Pigeon-Hole Someone, I’m pretty sure that title would go to you. 😉 That’s why it was so enjoyable to converse with you on the subject.
It was my gut-instinct reaction to The Word (and I’m the one who brought the word up in the first place ~ head-desk-thunk) that got me thinking in a more focused way about how to best describe what it is I do/think/feel/am. Our conversation prompted me to dig a little deeper inside my own thoughts on the matter. So I hope you don’t take my use of that excerpt negatively. It was never intended as such; quite the opposite, actually. 🙂
I’m kind of weird about rules. When I am invested in them, and have some ownership over them, I can adhere to them in good conscience. And when someone states their personal rules, I have choice in how to proceed. But “community rules” ~ with the exception of rules set forth for practical and protective purposes ~ tend to grate. Because, like you say, it all comes down to personal decisions. And really, there are no rules for people who think for themselves. Except, of course, Rule #1: Think For Yourself.
Keep waving your freaky hanky, lady. I enjoy conversing with you. 😀
I like our chats too!
Some words just have triggers – I get it. I have a couple : ) …my number one is “What are you?” or “Check one for Nationality” I want to scream “I’m American!” anyway, moving on…. ttyl Fever!
I know, right?!? Ermagheard.
I swear, one day I’m going to create my own survey questions. And instead of M or F as possible answers under ‘Sex’, I’m going to have something along the lines of…
Sex:
Yes please!
Maybe later?
Lemme alone, I have a headache.
One thing I have found on my own journey is that what works for one may or may not work for another. There is nothing set in stone in D/s, BDSM, swinging, or poly. What works for you may not work for someone else. Take what you like and leave the rest.
Over time I have seen some interesting pairings of folk but when it all comes down to it, they are happy with what they have.
Exactly.
I find that what works for me may (rarely) or may not (most usually) work for anyone else.
I also find that, in general, I do not seek out community where any aspect of my sexuality is concerned. With the possible exception of my blogging community. Instead…
I pick my way along a path I carve out for myself, and sometimes I meet people along the way who happen to be carving out a similar path. I like working in tandem with those people, all forging our own way; and I am happy to bid adieu when their path goes one way and mine goes another.
Sometimes, in the excitement of “Wow, you’re heading up the same hill as ME!”, people want to band together. I get that. But then they stop trekking their own trails and they build a highway… A highway that may not be ‘set in stone’ but that is definitely comprised of concrete… One that they expect everyone to take… Because *obviously* that’s the best way to get from Point A to Point B…
But like you say, what works for one may not work for another.
So I stay off the beaten path.
“a Monogamish Polyfuckerist” sounds like a tongue twister
Yes, I’ve been known to do incredibly twisted things with my tongue. 😉
Me too Mrs. Fever, me too.
Yeah, the term “polyamorous” does conjure up a lot of different thoughts but I’ve always been of a mind that it’s not what you do but how you do it that narrows down the broader definition. After reading all of this, I’d say that you were poly at a high level – easier to ID what it is you’re doing without the juicy details, harder to do if one is prone to rejecting labels that don’t fully apply to them because of said juicy details, details that do make a difference.
You can be poly and still have committed relationships even though the perception is that’s not the way to do it. Hell, my own poly relationship was like having three wives when only one was the legal girl in the ring. I know you can break down poly into subsets: Open, close, triad, quartets, etc., but again it’s all about what you’re doing and not necessarily how you’re doing it as well as whatever rules are in place for the how and what.
Just my take on a very interesting writing you’ve shared with us!
I cannot imagine having three wives.
Then again, I can’t imagine having one wife. 😉 So there ya go.
Yup… and it was as much delightful as it was horribly difficult at times…
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