by Jayne Ayres
This is the first in a new series of guest posts. For more information, click here.
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Jayne’s Diary Incarnate
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How I deal with change of my own was difficult. I can talk about it as if I understand it but I think it doesn’t matter what I say or think. Change just IS, irregardless of me. I have found my own personal change to be static and relentless in it’s need but I feel it’s a mental mercurial process.
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I am like a rock tumbler, changing within continuously as if it’s a current that I am not controlling. My mind is always going like music in the background. It doesn’t stop unless I am rigid in repetitive actions of responsibility and purpose, but that’s only because I can’t think about it at those times. If most of my life is aligned, I have a light juggling going on within myself at a comforting speed. When there are major components needing attention, shifting, adjusting and or possible removal, then my engine is running hot to accommodate and adjust mentally. That is the time I write or speak or act flippantly. The majority of myself is attending change and I only have a few brain cells to run other systems because I want to get that change done – handled. I become distant from friends and I know for sure that I have some casual friends who think of me as flighty because I’ve been in this state for a while now. The fact is, I don’t share the real thoughts of life’s changes stirring within until they’re almost over or until the route has been figured out and I can let up on processing. You who may read my thoughts are the ones who catch me in that changing light. I have this image of me as some substance and life is grinding me against a spinning stone. I spark and pieces fly up as I change shape. I have no understanding of why I cling to the thoughts of what needs to change but I do.
I first get a sense of something that needs change because it is in my mind’s peripheral view …kind of like a zombie. Sometimes, they go away or fade into the background but the change I must always tackle is the one that is like a zombie – relentless until handled. I think that the need to change is to be tested and questioned for sure so the change is made clearly and accurately. Change to me is choice in what I believe but the part that is relentless is the truth of the change. The truth of what the cost is if I don’t change. I may be talking from the deep end because I’ve been in a state of change for years now ending my marriage of 23 years. I MIGHT be a bit on the serious side but I had to be serious because the only other option was to accept what I could never accept – someone I couldn’t relate to.
Change comes and stands around me until I notice it’s there and I have to make room for it. Usually I have to throw things out and that’s where I resist but, after examining it and questioning myself to determine its true message, I know what direction to take. If it’s a big change, I try to resist but the truth under my stubborn reaction is that if I don’t act upon it, I am negating what I’m feeling on a deeper level. What use am I to myself if I ignore it. I think that ignoring the markers for course correction is a sure way to jack myself up really bad and that I try to avoid.
I have caught a wonderfully smooth feeling when I simply let it be and not thought about what was lost but rather, I quickly accepted the change without question. It was very, very nice. I need practice though.
That distance you speak of, the one that is created between friends when the majority of your focus is on attending to change… I get that. I’ve been on both sides of that equation in a relationship and it can wreak havoc. It can also bring two people, who have survived that kind of upset – especially when it’s a long one – closer together. Having people in your life who *get* the change process, and how you deal with your personal change process, is essential to one’s sanity I think.
I had a major LOL moment there. Remember the Night of the Living Dead movies? Braaaiiiinnns…
Ha! Bring on the zombie apocalypse. 😛
As for the quick acceptance… I think that’s one of the hardest things for anyone to do. We want so badly to hold on sometimes that we bloody our palms with the effort, and we forget that loosening our grip and letting go (in whatever form that takes) are viable options.
Ray Bradbury once said: Life should be touched, not strangled. You’ve got to relax, let it happen at times, and at others move forward with it.
We could all use a little more practice with that, I think. <3
I agree with your take. I wrote this in the midst of a major shift. This is the lighter side of handling a serious change from the front end. Getting out of my marriage was a complex reconfiguration of many meanings I held for love, marriage, honor, responsibility and self direction as myself, Jayne. As for the retreating mentally, it’s only because I feel I have to do the leg work. Support from friends and family is an oasis and I’m thankful for those times. The reality is that I have to act and make changes myself if I want to truly shift and change something. That’s just cold hard fact of change, serious or not. I like the analogy someone offered during a heavy spell and that was that I may be alone but we sail alongside each other. That was the sweetest consolation and it gave me a new gust of wind to keep on moving. Thank you for this collaboration post. I can’t wait to read the next ones. Jayne
Touching on your comment…
I did so much growing when I left my marriage.
It was life changing of course but it gave me new eyes to see the world, experience the world and people in a whole new light.
Good luck!
Thank you so much. I am a little thin skinned at times but it’s a wonderful change. All of the work was well worth it.
It’s been wonderful to read your metamorphoses, Jayne. All the small and the large changes that have happened… all the thoughts that swirl about in your brain. I’m glad to read what you share. I understand about pulling in to yourself… I tend to cope the same way.
xoxo
Aw, thank you Fatal. You’ve been inspiring all along the way. As for pulling inside…I have to reign it all in to get a good grip on things. : ) xo, Jayne