‘Kaysooo…
Mmmm… Robbie Williams. Eye candy. You’re welcome.
LOTS of stuff has come up for me over the past week, in conversations both on- and off-blog, because of all the great leads and segues and offshoots and branches (and whatnot) from the various posts you’ve been reading here on the topic of Coming Out.
And me being… Well, ME… I figured now was the time to bring some of those things to the fore – to “come out” myself, a l’il bit – because, thoughts. Thoughts. Are jamming. Mah brains.
Plus, Robbie Williams lyrics.
Which really… The lyrics should explain everything on their own.
♥
From Love Supreme (which is a total spoof on I Will Survive):
Oh, what are you really looking for?
Another partner in your life to abuse and to adore?
Is it lovey dovey stuff or do you need a bit of rough?
Get on your knees…
♦
And, from Angels:
And through it all, she offers me protection
A lot of love and affection
Whether I’m right or wrong
And down the waterfall, wherever it may take me
I know that life won’t break me
When it comes to call
She won’t forsake me
♥
What, that’s not clear?!?
*huffing my bangs out of my eyes*
Okay, I shall endeavor to explain:
Um, NO. Just… NO.
So there’s this… Schema… A porn-born, fantasy-driven, completely *unrealistic* schema, mind you… That a Female-Led Relationship (FLR) or any sort of Femmedommery {I am much more the former than the latter} is all about thigh-high patent leather platform boots and big boobs in bustiers and big hair and red nails and whip cracking and other such ridiculous frippery. There is also a H.U.G.E misconception that a man who is partial to FLRs is somehow “not manly.”
Let’s see, how can I put this delicately?
Uhmmm…
FUCK YOU.
See that second set of lyrics up there? THAT’s what it looks like for me.
Protection.
Affection.
Strength.
Respect.
Emotional fidelity.
Come hell or high water.
And for the record, I’m partial to denim cut-offs and tank tops. And that’s *if* I bother to wear clothes at all. So kindly consult Wardrobe and give your imagination a little tweak.
Also, no whips. I’m a hands-only kind of girl.
{Except with women… But that is a subject best avoided til another day.}
I really dislike labels, but since these are two labels (FemDom and FLR) that people have attached to me (mostly due to my comments on other blogs; I don’t talk about this stuff very much here) as a way of understanding my relationships, let me enlighten you:
It’s not about the wardrobe or the whips.
And it has nothing to do with “weak” men. A weak man would not be able to handle FLR.
Mostly, in my house, with my husband, it looks like this:
{Hmmm, this may not be the best example, but I’m going to use it anyway and hope you get the point.}
My husband and I both work: he, fulltime; me, partime – because that is the choice I make for myself within our relationship structure.
My husband’s money is “our” money. My money is MY money. Mostly, I contribute my money to the “our” money pile because I want to, but I don’t have to; it is a choice I make. I manage all the money. When he wants to buy something or build something or DO something, he tells me what he wants and I say ‘yay’ or ‘nay’. And it’s not about keeping him from the things he likes. It’s about being practical and living within our means. And that’s my department. He does an immense amount of work – not only outside the home to provide for us, but also at home to make our home the kind of place we both enjoy coming home to – and I say “yes” as often as I can. But I am the one with my finger on the pulse of our finances, because I manage them (frugally and carefully), and while we can (and do) discuss things as they come up, I am the one with the final say.
Pretty much, if you take that formula, and add a pinch of salt and a dash of lime, shake with ice and pour… That’s what you see when you look at us. Because as a basic model, this is true for everything we do, from deciding what’s for dinner to deciding who orgasms, along with all the whens and wheres and with whoms.***
Bottom line: He recognizes my various talents and appreciates my good judgment. He places me first and he follows my lead because he adores me.
Yes, there is – to quote the lyrics above – some lovey dovey stuff and a little bit of rough. But that’s not the brick and mortar. It’s not even the furniture. It’s just the decorations.
Making sense so far?
‘Kayso, how exactly does polyamory fit into this? And why am I talking about cuckoldry?
Un momento. I shall endeavor to explain.
So last week, seattlepolychick and I sat down to record a podcast. {I will post a link to the podcast once it is up. It might be a while. She’s the techie, and she’s a busy girl.} During our conversation about polyamory (and she’ll get into her definition of what that means on the podcast, as well as the differences between polyamory and polygamy), she brought up MFM threesomes and the total hotness of a man who gets off on seeing his girl (yeah, yeah, ownership and blah blah… you get the point) get good and fucked. The total hotness of the fantasy of having two guys at the same time. Of being the center of attention. (If they are straight, that is. MMF is something else entirely; the placement of the letters in threesomes is uber-important.) And the total hotness of wanting him to know you are taking your pleasure with someone else. Of knowing that he is excited by you doing exactly that.
Well, guess what?
It’s not a fantasy in my world.
It’s a reality.
Because my husband LOVES to see me on the receiving end of pleasure. And that’s true whether he is participating, or watching, or just knowing that it’s happening. (Because I have other partners that I see alone. And since I don’t do sex without relationships, we have our own style of non-monogamy ~ which fits under the general umbrella of polyamory ~ that we’ve worked out to fit.)
***And this is where the ‘with whoms’ come into play.
See, a lot of people associate the idea of a man’s wife fucking other guys (with his knowledge) with the concept of cuckoldry. And there is a misapprehension that if she’s out with other guys, she’s not satisfied at home, and that therefore the husband/boyfriend/whoever-the-fuck should be ashamed.
NOPE.
Don’t get me wrong. There are definitely people who kink to this. But the humiliation factor in the ‘typical’ interpretation of cuckoldry just doesn’t work for Me. I do not – now or ever – ‘do’ humiliation. Not in any form. NOT MY KINK.
So, to review:
Robbie Williams lyrics. FLR within the context of a loving, committed relationship. No whips. Poly. Partners. Pleasure. In whatever form that may take.
Clear as mud?
Heh. Well, that’s where the WTF comes in, eh?
😉
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
NOTE: This may well be the only time I go into this much detail in terms of What It Is That We Do (WIITWD), so I would recommend that if you have questions, ASK. I’m happy to answer them. And if you aren’t sure you want to ask publicly, you are free to email me.
ANOTHER NOTE: There are still a couple people who are working on their Coming Out stories/posts. They will be published as they are completed. In the mean time, we will return to our regular programming.
AND A DISCLAIMER: No cartoon lab mice or Matel dolls were harmed in the production of this post. And I did not take that picture of Robbie Williams. Some dude in Italy did.
Life has had me by the super-duper short and curlies….but I have been making time to read along and keep up here. It sometimes (more often than not) boggles my mind how much our lives mirror each other’s. A lot of this (most of it) could have come out of my own key board. And yeah…it’s a whole lot of WTF and some days it all looks like it needs score cards and three or four quad shot lattes……..just to keep up.
I knew that if there was one person out there who would *get* this, it would be you. 🙂
Reblogged this on The Suburban Domme and commented:
What she said………
Oh boy do I get it……I was particularly “oh man I get that” invigorated by your “FUCK YOU” comment.
In fact so much so…I am reblogging you…..and saying thank you for writing a blog for the Suburban Domme.
*grin*
*wink*
&
*SWAK*
Riding on coat tails……. not a habit I have often…… but damn……sometimes the coat tails are so right and sexy…….I just gotta hop on:)
I mostly don’t bother to explain any of this stuff to anyone, because there are SO MANY preconceived notions that it would require a novella’s worth of an answer to the most simple of questions.
“How did you get into polyamory?”
My response to what is, on the surface, an innocuous question, would take hours to explain. And it would still probably make about as much sense as me saying, “Yellow. Because the monkeys only wear hats to tea parties on Sundays. And the leak in the roof looks like macaroni salad. Like tap-dancing naked.”
Oy. o_O
Anywhoo…
Thanks for the reblog. 🙂
Enjoy the ride. 😉
Most welcome…
And the “trying to explain”………
Quote:
And it would still probably make about as much sense as me saying,
“Yellow. Because the monkeys only wear hats to tea parties on Sundays. And the leak in the roof looks like macaroni salad. Like tap-dancing naked.”
—————————————————————————
You nailed it.
Yellow, I like yellow.
🙂
All I know is that you, my dear Mrs. Fever, are one busy woman! And as long as you’re having fun, that matters more than how you’re having that fun…
Something like that! 🙂
I’ve done more writing in the last few days than I have in a long time. Feels kind of good.
Love,sex,fantasy,reality, They aren’t the same. Compatibility needs to be in there somewhere too. Sugar,spice,snips,snails all in a big stew pot. Slow simmer over a long time blends the flavors into something new and delightful.
It’s difficult to make any accurate generalizations. So it probably is better to avoid them. In the case of my wife and I, our fantasies are fundamentally different from each other but still compatible. We both like porn. She likes to fantasize about individuals. I like to fantasize about activities. She likes particular actors and doesn’t care as much about exactly what they are doing, I really don’t care which actress but want to see XYZ. Fantasy is not the same as reality. She might find a real hunk, but he turns out to be into something really awful. I might find someone who enjoys my form of kink, but she’s an awful person. That’s when reality rears it’s ugly head. My train of thought derailed after it hit that kink in the track.
You said,
Protection.
Affection.
Strength.
Respect.
Emotional fidelity.
Come hell or high water.
I would change that to,
Come hell or high water
Affection
Strength
Protection
Emotional fidelity
Respect
C.A.S.P.E.R. or you don’t have a ghost of a chance. Sorry, wordsmith in me had to do that.
Fantasies exist in the mind. Relationships are the realities you have to deal with. People have different needs and talents. Life partners rely on the strengths of the other and provide the strength when needed. Two people that have the same strengths and weaknesses can’t really help one another.
Physicists might not do well with a three body problem, but chemists can handle polymerizing.
I thought you’d appreciate that cartoon. 😉
Excellent point about the complementary angle; “compatible” does not mean “the same.” Lack of commonality can make things challenging though, and at some point – whether we’re kinky or not – we all have to learn how to bend.
I don’t fantasize much, and my desires/curiosities tend to be very person-specific. I like sex. But *how* I like my sex depends on *who* I’m having sex WITH. I don’t think that’s particularly unusual, but neither is it the norm. For some reason though, in the fantasize-about-FemDom world, men have a hard time understanding that it’s not so much about the costumes as it is the people wearing them. o_O
Fantasy is all mental. Just a guess, but I suspect men masturbate more often than women, hence they develop more fantasies.
I don’t think fantasy is all mental. Fantasies can be imaginative, yes. But we develop fantasies to escape or to explore or to “try on” ideas. Fantasies can be motivated by emotional needs just as much as by physical. Or psychological needs/wants/desires. Adrenaline junkies and danger addicts have very different fantasies than an agoraphobe or a spouse in a sexless marriage. Creating a fantasy that gives you a high as opposed to one that makes you feel “normal” or allows you to feel loved/desired… Very different things, no?
There are things that I have general curiosity about or a vague, undefined interest in. I don’t consider those things to be “fantasies.” If someone taps into those ideas – shares them, expounds on them, says “I want to do/try/be __________ with/for/because-of YOU” – then, for me, *that* is when I get specific in my imaginings. To me though, that’s more of a mental exploration of What Could Be than it is a “fantasy.” Because my arousal from the idea is directly tied to my desire for the individual.
Does that make sense?
And I’m open to hearing just about anything from my friends and lovers about their fantasies. But there is a huge difference between “I think about getting a blow job while I’m masturbating” and “When I stroke my cock, I imagine your mouth on me, the heat and wet, the pressure at the back if your throat driving me to the edge.” The former is generalized and clinical (yawn); the latter is personalized, in a specific and arousing way.
Do I think about those things when I masturbate? Yes, sometimes. Other times I just let the sensations wash over me. My husband is often dumbfounded, because when he asks me what I’m thinking about when I orgasm, my response – more often than not – is something along the lines of “The colors exploding behind my eyelids.” Also, when I masturbate, I don’t think it’s fantasy-driven. It’s much more of a biological need. When I’m hungry, I eat. When my bladder is full, I pee. When I need to cum, I masturbate.
I suppose it is more socially acceptable for men to masturbate. Because of that, your theory may be correct in that they masturbate more. I, for one, have always been in tune with my own body and have never been particularly squidgy about sex or about seeking sexual satisfaction. So I take care of my own needs, whether it’s once a week or three times a day. I have no idea how that compares to the majority of women though. I’ve long been accused of thinking/acting “like a guy” when it comes to pretty much All Things Sex.
Pingback: Insert Catchy Title About Fantasies, Here: __________ | Temperature's Rising
Saved as a favorite, I really like your blog!
“the total hotness of a man who gets off on seeing his girl get good and fucked”
I think I blushed a bit, reading this 😁
JL Peridot recently posted…A First for Everything
Well, pink cheeks are not an unusual occurrence around here. 😉
Love this post…It mirrors where I’d like my wife to be. A great post!
I love watching my wife with another man. I use the term cuckold for me but for me there is absolutely no humiliation at all in the word or in knowing another man/men who may or may not have bigger dicks get to have sex with her. In a true sense of the word cuckold, I am not because I actually know she is having sex with other men and approve of it. One man who has been a long time visitor to her bed I have never met and probably never will. I just like the word and like the fact that my wife can have sex with anyone at anytime and does not need and will never ask for permission.
You have a great blog thanks for taking the time to keep it up and fresh
Pingback: This is a test | Just Another WordPress Site
Came across this blog?, by following a post and commentary by Denying Thumper.
We are most likely much older than you and your readers….i am submissive..She is somewhat dominant.
We both< i think, a more dominant lifestyle, but ….but ….but…life has interfered and now while I desire more. She has lost …not her love for me, but the desire to be what she used to be…
We won't break up, but in our own way live with what I see as half of what we could be.
I am an obsessive reader of many things on many topics……she doesn't as reading was always difficult for her. I used to teach HS Special Ed and so many of the kids I worked with fall into this category. In life quite capable, but will never 'read' for enjoyment and to learn as it is too difficult and frustrating.
OH!, if you actually ever read it…
a couple more things.
How do I actually 'follow' you? there seems to be no way to join the site.
I am male, who has deliberately allowed and worked to become more feminine, at home and would love to be more 'out' but it is a smallish community and too many people would recognize me as have a semi-public vocation.
Lifestyles change as lives change; I can relate.
If you are viewing this blog from a desktop, look to the right — in the sidebar, toward the top of the page, there is a section that tells you how to follow.