Kitty, from Loving Without Boundaries, writes about polyamory and ethical non-monogamy. She sent me some interview questions on the subject(s) a couple weeks ago, and my responses (which may cause more confusion than clarity) can be found by following the link.
Poly Interview: Ethical non-monogamy from a married female blogger
Down the rabbit hole we go… 😉
Happy reading!
I recognized you in your language and answers. I’m with you on labels and people needing them to decipher the world as if that can be done that easily. I loved that quote you added in. I think that says it all. Your heart is just one that grows and will not halt. xo, Jayne
I struggle SO MUCH with labels; many people find them comforting, in that they are a way of identifying or “belonging” to a group, but for me they are stifling. It can make things difficult to *not* put a label on things though, and I try to be sensitive to that with my partners, because “Where/How do I fit in your life?” is an understandable – and perfectly valid – question for them to ask. It’s just not an easy one for me to answer.
I agree with you. I see labels as confining and misleading if it isn’t perfect – which…no one is perfectly one way. If they are then I have to think they are practically psychopathic and that’s scary. I know though that to some, a label is a hand rail to hold onto so they know what way they’re going. In general, I like figuring things out along the way by feeling. (It’s not going well at the present moment but that’s just life being life.) I just have to deal with it. I would guess you would have to find someone with a similar mindset to make it “easier”.
I really agree with your not being out to family and almost all friends. I pretty much think there is no value to being openly non-monogamous and it raises uncomfortable questions for everyone. It may sound strange but my wife’s primary objection to my non-monogamy is that someone will find out, and people do love to gossip; they will wonder what is wrong with her, and why she would tolerate such a man in her life.
It has been a huge adjustment for me to realize and understand her feelings in this matter, and to respect her desire for insulation and privacy.
And I especially loved your tuna surprise analogy. Hahahahaha.
My husband is, similar to your wife, very concerned about What People Think. He worries that if his friends or family found out about our non-monogamy that they would think less of him, as though he couldn’t keep me satisfied (if they knew what I do) or that he is a cheating creep (if they knew what he does). I long ago ceased fearing other people’s opinions; my husband never learned not to care. It’s hard sometimes, to sift through that veneer of fear. It can make communication incredibly challenging, to say the least.
Coming Out… Meh.
Generally, I think my sex life is nobody’s business unless they are IN it. But it’s not easy to justify silence when it comes to love, is it?
I can understand worrying about what others think. It isn’t a huge overwhelming thing for me, but I can’t totally shake it. For me it stems from my ego and pride. I don’t want ANYBODY looking down on me. If someone wants to feel superior to me it triggers a strong desire to take them down a notch or two. But it also means I tend to hide {more or less} a lot of my true self. To thine own self be true, and go ahead and lie to casual acquaintances. That’s not totally true, but it’s close. I’m reminded of something that happened at work a while back. I wrote a blog post on another site last November about it. I titled it, “Apparently I used to be a swinger.” Here it is.
That’s the rumor going around work. The thing that has me really puzzled is that I don’t remember stopping. Today a coworker told me that another coworker had said that I used to be a swinger. The female coworker being quoted to me has been embarrassed by other coworkers commenting on the fact that she has a profile here. First of all, big whoop, you don’t approve of my actions on my own time away from work? Go fuck yourself. Obviously go fuck yourself because you disapprove of other fucking people.
The female coworker and hubby claim to be nonjudgmental in their profile. They probably aren’t, but I’m not thrilled with my named being brought up. Some would say the only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about. Perhaps but I have noticed at least a few other familiar faces here. Now, my views on fidelity have not changed. If everybody involved is okay with what’s going on why not have fun. So how does that make it that I USED TO BE a swinger. Does a lack of recent activity mean that I am not a practicing swinger? Well I could certainly use more practice.
Wild, apparently
I wrote it there because I know that some coworkers must be reading my blog there. Rather pointless now. I post 2 or three things a year. So coming out, not so much in terms of openness. I have surprised a few people when they have managed to get close. I have been surprised a few times by people that weren’t surprised when they got close.
I am an introvert. I don’t isolate myself, exactly. But I insulate. I don’t share my opinions or experiences with people who don’t matter, and I am pretty much never provoked to reveal anything about my beliefs or practices to anyone. I am known for presenting alternate views (on everything from parenting to postal prices) WHEN EXPRESSLY ASKED, and most people don’t ask, because they are more interested in pontificating than discussing.
It’s very difficult to ruffle me. That comes from years of experience of being talked about. You might say I have a unique family history; I learned early to be comfortable in my thick skin, because if I hadn’t I’d have long ago been flayed on the alter of gossip, paying for the sins of the father(s).
Those are the basic ingredients that keep me from being wounded by other people’s opinions. Add a teaspoon of sugar and stir.
I realize that this is not the norm.
I also realize that being “out” looks different to different people. For me, it’s less about the telling than it is the doing. Loving out loud. For my spouse, being out would mean making mass announcements and oversharing with friends and coworkers. There’s a big difference. And his way, with his lack of filter and hyper-sensitivity to feeling liked/accepted by others… It would be a nightmare.
I don’t isolate I insulate. I like that. It describes the way I interact on a casual basis. I agree wholeheartedly about people wanting to pontificate not discuss. I have also noticed that a LOT of people assume that their opinions are the norm. They think everyone agrees with them unless that person actively disagrees. And if that person does actively disagree then they are being “In your face” about it.
I am so glad I found your blog. Your insight is refreshing. I can’t wait to go further down the rabbit hole.
Follow me, Alice! 😉
(Just watch out for the Mad Hatter. 😛 )
Thank you for the lovely compliment, and for taking the time to explore my blog. 🙂
I will follow with a gleam in my eye. And Mad Hatters don’t scare me ;-).