Welcome To Vagina!

No, not Virginia.

Vagina.

The state that is its own state flower.

Or something.

So:  Welcome to Vagina!  I’ll be your tour guide.  And before you ask:  NO, there will be no free rides through the Tunnel of Love today.  Also:  I hope you brought your raincoats.

‘Kaysooo…

Every now and then I get befuddling questions about What Women Want and I am sort of at a loss as to how to answer these inquiries, because no two women are the same (say it with me, now:  NO TWO WOMEN ARE THE SAME!), so unless I am the woman in question, I can’t particularly help much in the How To Please A Woman department.

What I *can* do, however, is give you a little insight into How To Please ME (me, Me, ME!), which will be abundantly useful not the slightest bit helpful, but may be entertaining nonetheless.

First and foremost, let us examine what my vagina IS NOT, mmmmmkay?

My vagina is NOT:

• an apple:  do not give in to temptation; bites will get you kicked
• a baseball game:  foul balls will not be tolerated
• a cavern:  put your spelunking gear away
• a construction site:  kindly quit your jackhammering
• a chalkboard:  scratching your nails down it is going to result in cringing… and in bodily injury ~ YOURS
• a hockey puck:  slapping at it with your stick will not get you to your goal

Oh, and also:  My vagina is not even remotely like the insides-falling-out snatches you see in porn.  Not.  Even.  Remotely.

Actually, while we’re on the subject:  Just forget everything you’ve seen in porn.  Women do not just start Unh-unh-unh-unh!-ing when you thrust your unshaven face onto her snatch and start scratching her all to hell with your bristles.  Nor do women have orgasms from penetration alone after 37 seconds of pounding, with no foreplay or lube.  (Clitoral stimulation is pretty much mandatory, and if you don’t know what that means, read this book.)

And LUBE.  Jayzus God, don’t get me started.

*lightbulb moment*

Perhaps I do have a thing or two I can tell you about How To Please A Woman.  (Or, at the very least, How To Not Piss Her Off.)

Here’s a universal tip:  WET against WET slides and glides, people!  At the very least, wet your fingers with saliva (hers, yours, another player’s, doesn’t matter) before you go poking and prodding.  

Ever belly flop down a Slip ‘n Slide that hasn’t been wetted down?  Doesn’t matter how sweaty you are, that little bit o’ moisture doesn’t get you very far before you’re sticking and gripping and grinding to a halt.  So use some common sense, eh.

But f’reals:  LUBE.

Getting back to my vagina…

If I say, “Get the lube” (or any other variant, such as “Get the fucking lube already!” or “Lube it or lose it!”), GET THE FUCKING LUBE.  Do not argue, do not say, “But you’re so wet!”  Do not pass go, do not collect $200.  Just shut the fuck up and do what you’re told.

Yeesh.

Seriously:  Women’s bodies vary in both the quantity and consistency of the natural lubrication they produce.  Wetness alone is not proof that she is “ready” and lack of wetness does not indicate that she’s not.  It’s important for women to know their own bodies, and its important for partners to listen when she vocalizes her needs.  As I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten…creamier(?)…for lack of a better word, and I’ve found that friction (a la penetration via toys, fingers, or other body parts) does not increase the ‘flow’ (so to speak), which means things can get real uncomfortable real fast.  I highly recommend trying various kinds of lube, and to go back to re-try brands that didn’t work the first time around after a few years have passed.  Besides the fact that manufacturers are constantly “improving” their formulas, and therefore negating the results of previous sexperiments…  I suspect other women with reproductive health issues have already figured this out, but hormones that are regulated and/or artificially introduced to the system have different effects on the body at age 25 than they do at age 40.  The only thing you can do is keep trying.

:: deep breath ::

Holy elongated paragraph, Batman!  (No, that was not a euphemism.)

That said:  I love me some Astroglide.  (I wrote a story about my potential lube commercial once, here.  And no, I’m not getting paid to advertise for them.  Dammit.)

Also, many sex shops sell lube in individual packets on the cheap.  They’re great for travel, and perfect for trying something new without spending a fortune.  Pick up a few and see how they work for you before buying a bottle.

Uhmmm…  Where was I?

Oh yes!  The state of Vagina.

The vaginal opening expands and elongates with arousal, but the tissues can also swell during/post orgasm.  The rush of blood to the area can make a woman hypersensitive and things like air temperature and endorphin rushes have various effects as well, and not always in predictable ways.  So what feels good during foreplay may not work during intercourse, and what feels amazing during intercourse may feel horrible the instant she cums.  This is one of the reasons I despise the pounding/jackhammering mentality.  It can feel good, yes.  But typically it only feels good during a very specific time period and for a limited duration.  Otherwise:  OUCH!  (If you’re into pain, that’s another game entirely.)

Simply put:  Pay attention to her responses and alter your actions accordingly.

Oh!  And fingers?  Totally different than cocks.  Generally speaking…  Gentle curving motions (one finger) or scissoring (two fingers) or swirling (three or more) is going to be much more pleasurable than thrusting in and out.  Oh yes.  Yes, yes, yes.

Tongues…

I could write a whole post about oral sex.  (And perhaps I will!  But not today.)  But the list of Do-Nots would take at least 739 words, and this post is already long enough as it is.

Let’s get to a few “do’s” now, shall we?

• DO take your time.  Explore.  Listen to her feedback, verbally and physically.
• DO relax.  It’s not a race.  It’s about pleasure, not pressure.  Don’t hurry her.
• DO keep your nails trim, your face smooth (or your beard soft, if you have one).
• DO stay.right.there when she tells you to; changing it up when she is clearly stating she doesn’t want you to is going to throw her off, and frankly, that sucks.
• DO be persistent.  Practice makes perfect.
• DO enjoy the scenery.  Vagina is the most beautiful state in the nation!

Sooo…  I’m sure I left a gazillion things out, but that ends today’s tour.  If you are interested in future bookings, or would like to sign up for our next class, Advanced Basics:  How Not To Fuck Up While You’re Fucking, please register at the head (heh) desk.

😛

Ladies (or non-ladies ~ I’m an equal opportunity tour guide), feel free to add your thoughts below.

Also, I have no clue how to tag this post.  Suggestions are welcome.

HENJOY!