Do you usually feel you are better at sex than your partner(s)?
I had an interesting conversation with a partner around this question recently, as part of a larger communication exercise. Of course, to give any kind of proper response requires a good deal of delving, because no two people have the same definitions in regards to (1) what it means to be Good In Bed, and (2) what the qualifiers would be to consider one’s self Better. And so our discussion branched in various directions. I will share a bit of it here (hopefully in a way that makes sense), and would be interested to hear your thoughts on the matter.
To start with, I feel I should clarify my stance on being Good In Bed: I don’t believe any *one* person is necessarily “good” in bed. It takes two (or more; for the purposes of this post I will discuss pairings, but the concepts apply to partnerships larger than two as well) to tango, and while there are certainly skills to hone and techniques to employ, it is largely a matter not of one person being “good” in bed but rather, whether two people are good together.
To wit: Maybe you are the most skilled oral sex giver in the universe. Maybe you’ve read every Top Tips For Hot Oral Sex article ever written and you’ve honed your technique over decades and you truly believe, based on experience and feedback from previous partners, that you can make her scream your name to the rafters when she cums on your tongue. And you figure, since you’ve been doing your daily tongue exercise ritual in the mirror every morning for three years, that you can get her to orgasm in 2.3 seconds.
And that’s… Great? Or at least it seems so at the outset.
But if your partner had a traumatizing experience with oral sex in the past and cannot relax, or her clit is sensitive to the point where even a breath of air against it is painful when she’s aroused, or she’d simply prefer to have your mouth someplace else… Well, then. All the tongue technique in the world isn’t going to make you Good In Bed, let alone “better” than anyone else.
Being good in bed is all about being compatible – in level of desire, in enthusiasm for an activity, in being open about your own interests and open to your partner’s – and not everyone will be.
Sometimes there is an imbalance of experience between partners, and that comes in a variety of forms. It can be about the numbers (he’s had 57 sex partners, she’s had 4, and they are the same age), but in my experience the numbers don’t matter as much as What You’ve Done.
I am really bad at touch-screen typing. I may have mentioned that before.
I’ve had relatively few sexual partners, for example, but I’ve done a lot of things: visited a sex club, used a variety of sex toys, experienced anal sex (giving and receiving), had a threesome, had same-room sex with another couple, rode a Sybian, participated in impact play, ventured into watersports, fucked in front of an audience, had outdoor/risk-of-discovery sex (and been discovered – oops!), played with same-sex partners, etc. Someone whose *numbers* are the same as (or higher than) mine may have more or less kept to bedroom-only PIV sex and therefore had less adventurous experiences. That doesn’t mean I can’t be compatible with that person; it means that we bring different things to the table. It can be an imbalance, but it’s not one I view negatively. Likewise, sometimes you may run across a partner who has barely had any sex in their life or who has had an otherwise repressed sexual history. If you yourself were a wild child… Is it an imbalance? Yes. But that doesn’t mean you’re incompatible. It means the future is wide open. You can explore!
Every individual has different needs, curiosities, and desires. Being able to discuss the What and the Why of those things with your partner is essential to compatibility. If his idea of Good Sex involves candlelight and wine and an hour’s worth of open-mouthed kissing before removing a single item of clothing, but her idea of Good Sex is up-against-the-wall half-clothed frenzied no-holds-barred held-by-the-throat fast furious spit-lube fucking…
Well, let’s just say: Somebody is bound to be disappointed.
There are a lot of things to learn about a partner when determining compatibility, and while trial-and-error is an age-old method of discovery, there’s a lot to be said for – gasp! – talking about your preferences. That means asking about things – even the “simple” things – instead of making assumptions. Do you like kissing? How? Where? Open-mouthed or closed? What areas do you *not* enjoy being kissed? Touched? What kind of touches do you prefer? One man’s Too Rough is another man’s Barely There. Discuss. Demonstrate. Question.
How do you feel about anal penetration? What positions do you prefer? Hate? Why? Do you have any health issues your partner should be aware of? Do you like to be spanked? Hair pulled? How do you like your partner to talk to you during sex? Do you prefer absolute quiet? What are your thoughts on tit fucking? Do you enjoy scalping? What about bondage? Blindfolds? Have you ever experienced frottage? Would you like to?
How well do you know your own body?
From my conversation yesterday:
Me: One thing, with the question of “better” –
Him: Yes?
Me: I’m better at my own body than anyone else, at least as far as what I’ve already discovered about myself. And that’s a big part of being “good in bed” I think, self knowledge.
Him: I expect that with most people, you always know yourself better imho.
Me: Exactly.
I firmly believe that if you don’t know your own body, or are not willing to explore your own body, you are doing yourself a huge disservice. Your partner is not going to know all your magic buttons just by looking at you. They might find a sensitive spot, or elicit a squeak from you when they touch you in just the right place; they may know where the ‘typical’ hot spots are and explore you with their lips and fingers in those places. But unless you know yourself and are willing to share what you know about yourself, those fly-by-night attempts at Doing It Right can be a long, arduous, and sometimes frustrating process. For both of you.
I know what I like. I know what I don’t. I know where and how I prefer to be touched. I know what kinds of touches I respond positively to, and which places on my body are most sensitive. I know I have a complicated relationship with my breasts. I know my clit is a skittish Victorian maiden until you stroke her just right. (Then she’s an insatiable French… alley cat.) I know where my own line between pleasure and pain lies. I know I prefer pressure to friction for clitoral stimulation. I know how many fingers I can take, how much lubrication I need, and how deep I prefer my penetration. I know a great many things about my own body. Sharing those things with my partner helps him find his way around my pleasure zones. Essentially I give him a map, he does the same for me, and together we go treasure hunting. From there, we have the opportunity to strike gold. (The last time I was with my long distance lover, we discovered a new jewel. *eyebrow wiggle*)
Communicating your preferences, learning your partner’s, knowing your own body and sharing that knowledge with someone who is willing and eager to discover new things with you… Those are key components to sexual compatibility.
And sexual compatibility is really what being good in bed – together – is all about.
What about you?
Are you usually better in bed than your sexual partners?
How do you define Good In Bed?
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I love the journey we’ve started, and the discoveries we continue to make *twist, twist* great post as always.
I like to think that I’m good at figuring out what needs to be done in bed based up the person I’m with and what, if anything, I know about them. If I don’t know anything, I’m good at improvising and being intuitive…
Kdaddy23 recently posted…Six Years
That’s when depth and breadth of experience makes a bigger difference, I think: When you don’t know anything about a person.
It gives you a more informed “bag of tricks” to pull from.
I’ve learned to make a few key points known, no matter if it’s a long-term relationship or a one-off encounter. Usually people who don’t know any better will automatically go for what THEY like, and since some of my “don’t do that”s are considered to be ‘universal’ Things To Do, it saves everyone a lot of trouble.
‘Not there. . here, please.’ So well-said, as usual, with many fine points to consider for happy success. Thank you ! I have to admit I hadn’t heard the term ‘scalping’ but managed to figure it out, I think.
“No, a little to your left. No, no… Your OTHER left.” 😛
Scalping (or scalloping, also called shrimping – don’t ask me why) is foot play, specifically the sucking of the toes as part of foreplay or during intercourse. 🙂
“Every individual has different needs, curiosities, and desires.”
So very true, and in so many other aspects of life.
Barry K Rosen recently posted…Lion’s Tooth
It should be self explanatory, yes? And yet so often we assume – incorrectly – that our lovers (will) like the exact same things we like.
Strange, that.
Dear Mrs. Fever—Once again, I sit at your feet! I am a fifty-something and exploring my sexuality for the first time in my life; I have had others explore it for me at a very young age and I have now come full circle with ownership of my body and its pleasures and I am enjoying the ride! I would like to email privately for some blogging feedback, if you are agreeable to that…? XO DWD
Dysfunctionalwomansdigest@gmail.com
Good for you! Understanding one’s self never gets old, no matter what age we begin. 🙂
I’ll send you an email.
This is why I hate all those 7 steps to giving great head, 11 ways to rock your partners world in bed etc etc because they imply they have all the answers when in fact they rarely have any because knowing all those stuff might be slightly useful but it can never be as good as communicating with your partner and knowing them. Even in the one night stand scenario I have had lovers who were amazing, they knew nothing about me but they attentive, initiative, keen to share their body and very keen to know as much about mine as possible in the short time.
Mollyxxx
EXACTLY.
Ditto: Keen to learn, keen to share – that makes all the difference.
Not everybody knows what they like. I’m very introspective, but I know some that really aren’t. It can be frustrating because you accidentally get something right and they can’t tell you what. It’s……..just because. I have noticed that people that view a trait positively can also flip to dislike it. Confident and assertive can become pushy quite easily. The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. The difference between pain and pleasure often is the mood you were in just prior.
There are lots of things I haven’t tried even though there are only so many orifices and protuberances on the body. And I do like thinking and learning about new stuff even if I’m only an observer.
Likewise, traits about one’s self can be both an asset and a detriment. I’ve been frustrated in relationships where, because I am *willing* to take the lead and initiate sex, it becomes *expected* that I – and only I – will be the one to do so forevermore. I don’t mind being the aggressor/instigator when it comes to sexual activity, but I need a partner who knows how to reciprocate. I want to feel wanted too, y’know. I tease my husband sometimes when he gets randy and tell him no, or that he has to wait – playfully, and appropriate to otherwise planned engagements – but I love that he shows me he’s interested. My ex rarely did, and then he just didn’t anymore, and he couldn’t understand why I didn’t feel desired. 😕
Hmmm… This is not rocket surgery.
I’m sure you’d have fun with the survey I used to facilitate this conversation. I found another one too, that would be right up your alley: https://www.weshouldtryit.com.
So much of what I’m interested in doing is dependent on who I’m interested in doing it WITH. But there are definitely things I want to try, protuberances aside (or inside or upside-down). 😀
This is a complicated topic, but fwiw, I think you nailed a lot of the key issues and complexities. In my case I consider myself a “limited accommodator”. I am open enough to things to refuse almost nothing and have enough experience to be good at most of what might be asked of me, BUT…….(and this ‘but’ is as big as the butts I tend to personally enjoy) I do have ED. So………………….THE #1 biggie that nearly everyone wants at one time or another (hell, I’d love it too if it was possible) is pretty much off the table.
This limitation has colored every relationship I have ever had. In fact, I believe ED has pretty much shaped my sexuality in addition to shaping my overall personality and identity. It’s a huge elephant I bring into every room I find myself in.
So, one of the things I have naturally looked for in partners, is a dislike or indifference to intercourse. What I have found though is that women who don’t gravitate towards intercourse also have deep issues about multiple aspects of their sexuality. So, this ‘solution’ comes with its own new set of challenges.
But the one point you make that I have unfortunately found to be all too true is about a person knowing themselves. For whatever reason, I have managed to find partners in two of the main relationships of my life who don’t/didn’t privately self-explore. When menopause came, things that worked no longer did, and I was left with the task of trying to figure out what could work. I love a challenge, but, like Captain Kirk, I hate no-win scenarios, and these often turn out that way. How am I supposed to find out what you haven’t figured out for yourself?
Worse yet, is that in each case, it always happens that these women who never wanted intercourse before now wonder if THAT is the missing key. They’re not sure. They haven’t explored it. And yet, this ends up being the potential solution…………………….. the one I can’t provide. Ironically, in each case, artificial aids allowed some exploration of this and lo and behold, but intercourse/penetration ended up NOT being the answer.
In comparison, I have also had relationships with women who did masturbate and explore, and there I managed to have some of the most mutually satisfying sexual escapades of my life….ED be damned.
I am going to conclude with one last issue of compatibility, and it is something potentially irritating to women. (sorry) But, in my experience, and in the other experiences of men I have talked with, it seems like the male gender tends to be whatever they are sexually…….for life. Women, however, can be one thing for decades, and then suddenly morph into someone else sexually…….with that new sexual identity sometimes being drastically different. I, and others I have talked to, think this is the key reason divorces are so common around age 40.
I think you’re right about our sex-differentiated wiring. For the most part, what works for him has always worked. But what works for me (or doesn’t work, as the current case happens to be) has changed pretty drastically over time.