ALTERNATE TITLE: I think my vagina was abducted by aliens.*
So I kinda feel like this post should have a bunch of explanations and disclaimers, but I’m also not really in the mood for all that flibberty gibbet so suffice to say: This is just a weird thing for me. If you’re into any of the things I describe in this narrative and do not find it weird for you, more power to ya. My personal WTF?! response{s} contained herein are not a judgment on your own kinks.
It was one of those nights, ya know? The exhausted-but-not-sleepy kind, when the summer air is _just_ this side of hot and the moonlight is shining a bit too insistently through the window for the room to go fully dark.
The fan was on, but it was less ‘cooling shush of blades’ than ‘whispering heat with occasional frigid blast of atmospheric movement’ to make for comfortable sleeping. The lights were all out, but the moon didn’t get the memo and kept stabbing me in the eyelids whenever I’d turn toward the window. With the cat snoring on the pillow he confiscated next to my head, shuffle-whiskered and completely unbothered by my restlessness (and my spouse doing the same, albeit in the next room), I finally gave in to the urgings of my subconscious and attempted to masturbate.
It… wasn’t great. At first anyway.
I mean, my libido and I are really NOT on the same page as a general rule any more and I’ve pretty much just accepted that and moved on, but at the same time… Well. At the same time, I have – when absolutely necessary and/or when I utilize patience and sensate remembrances – pretty much still been able to get myself off when I needed to.
But that was just not happening.
My clitoral nub was playing hide-and-seek, my fingers could not find the right pressure, my shoulders were too tense, the air was too still/hot/breezy/cold, the atmosphere too bright, the humming of the refrigerator at the other end of the house vibrating to loudly…
It was just.all.WRONG.
But then something went ‘click’ and my brain pretty much shut down and my primal senses took over.
And it was even more wrong.
But in an oddly fascinating and pleasureful way.
See, generally speaking, I don’t find that fantasy – in terms of visual imaginings of conjured scenarios – is really my thing. To say I’m bad at it is putting it mildly. (And you can save your how-to advice for someone who cares — I’ve no desire to be good at it.)
HOWEVER
I *do* fantasize (if you can call it that) in the form of sensation. I wrote about it once for publication elsewhere (here, if you’re interested), and I’m not sure how to describe it in brief except to say that instead of focusing on a visual unfolding of events in my imagination, story-board style, I concentrate on feelings. Sensations. Things that would otherwise equate to scent or touch or texture or taste, I imagine into being while I masturbate as a way to focus my sexual energy.
Sometimes the things I feel, sensately, are based on prior experience. The stretch of scissoring fingers – two, three, four – working against the push-hold clamp of my vaginal walls, for example. Or the sensation of urgent lips, suckling with the stinging-pain pull-lave pleasure of a tongue lashing at my nipple.
But this time…
Remember how I was all “NOPE” about speculums as an instrument of kink?
Well, I’m not saying that’s changed. But for those of you who are visual imaginers, the best way I can describe the sensation my neurons conjured up for me to get off to on the night in question was the “Open up and say ‘Ahhh!'” pinching uncomfortableness that accompanies being spread open by a speculum.
To be clear: I did NOT imagine an actual speculum. Nor did I fantasize the tactility of the metallic or surgical plastic against my vaginal walls. It was just… I dunno, the spread?
And then there was the impression – still not visual, exactly… but also not NOT, if that makes any sense at all (and I imagine most of you are like, “No, this doesn’t make any sense at all, but maybe she’ll get around to the point eventually”) of penetration. Except I couldn’t feel the penetration properly because of the pinched-open-ness.
And then, well…
There was jizz.
Like, a hot-liquid-spray-coating-my-cervix** kind of jizz.
Which… I don’t kink to that, okay? I do *NOT* have a cum fetish (though I certainly don’t mind the stuff, and there are times I find messy sex and its aftermath to be extremely hot), and due to some emotional trauma from reproductive health issues, I especially don’t fetishize the idea of a cervical coating of the stuff.
Except that – maybe, at 2:39am on an uncomfortable summer night when I can’t sleep and am so tired-wired I can’t even fantasize in a normal (‘normal’ meaning ‘normal for me‘) way – maybe I do?
I mean, my lady bits were grooving to the concept. Not in a slow-jazz-head-sway kinda way either. No. My girl parts were spiky-hair mosh-pit heavy metal head-banging to the concept, as a matter of fact.
I know this because I came.
HARD.
Like, made-my-own-little-wet-spot**** kind of hard.
And then I fell asleep.
Equally hard.
And now I’m telling you about it. Which is not ‘hard’ exactly, but it’s not soft either. If you know what I mean.
Anywhoo…
Does this sort of thing happen to anyone else?
Do let me know in the comments if your imagination has ever hijacked your genitals. (Or if aliens have ever abducted them.)
*Second Alternate Title: SPUNKY VAGINA***
**See, the aforementioned second title makes a certain sort of sense. But then again, not.
***While a fun play on words, the actual spunky-ness of my vagina is not really at issue here.
****See? Spunky-ness. Of more than one variety.
Wow I’ve missed reading the *spunky* things you write! I was laughing so hard I snorted and my dog looked at me like wtf is wrong with you?! I get what you are saying I don’t think of people but more of the sensations. The spiky hair mosh pit description was what had me laughing so hard. Thank you for the awesome Monday morning boost Mrs. Fever. 😉
Snort-laughing is a risky undertaking, particularly so if one is drinking anything at the time. 😉
So true.. coffee hurts lol
This happens to me all the time. Maybe not in the exact same way, but in enough of a way that your post made total sense. I’m not great at masturbation, at all, but I know enough about my body to usually make a fairly decent-ish orgasm happen. Sometimes though when nothing is working, what will work is something totally random that’s I don’t consider to be a kink of mine. No idea how or why this happens, but if it gets me some pleasure in my pants I’m all for it, lol. Fabulous post, thank you for sharing x
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It’s kind of rare for me to treat masturbation as anything more than a necessary exercise these days. It’s rather like jogging. Or taking the dog for a walk. Or weeding the garden or suchlike. (Can you picture it? “Be with you in a minute, dear. I just need to unroot the dandelions from my ladygarden…”) So for my ‘fantasizing’ to kick in is a bit of a rarity. But when it does, it’s normally a *little* more in line with my actual, y’know, interests.
But, whatever. I’ve long known that my vagina has a mind of her own. 😉
This is a brilling description of something quite indescribable! I love this – you write it so well, even though you poke fun at yourself, it makes so much sense! I totally get it – thank you x x x I’m going to pay more attention to how I ‘visualise’ my sensations – often it’s completely like dissolving into fractals. Great post 🙂
I’m glad it makes sense. Fractals… I can picture that. Like sort of a sensatory slide show, but not necessarily temporal or linear. 🙂
It happens to me and especially on those nights when sleep evades me like the CBP is chasing it, like a couple of nights ago and I was hot and uncomfortable, home boy was snoring away but the rest of me was trying to wake him up, which wasn’t that, um, hard to do. It’s not easy to explain what might be going on in my head; not so much fantasies but I’ve likened it to my brain streaming sex or people I’ve had sex with and at high speed; I can’t really “see” but it’s feeling while not trying to focus on the pressure that’s building… and homey is still reading the memo.
It was beginning to become and exercise in futility; you know it’s bad when your mind can go through a half-century of sexual sensations, get on the right “path” – and gets stuck in a traffic jam. And the thing that popped the cork wasn’t re-experiencing a feeling or sensation: I shifted my hips a couple of inches to the left and – eureka!
No thoughts, no feeling a moment or anything else that might flow through my head in that moment. Shift – boom.
Asleep two minutes later.
Hahaha! 😛 I’m gonna remember that next time I’m stuck in a similar ‘traffic jam’. Just a little wiggle to the left! 😉
Well I’m a guy and I know all too well my penis has a mind of its own! Not a rarity to be watching or reading something and feel a stiffening like, “Now? Really?” Kind of nice knowing guys aren’t the only ones who have to put “up” with it!
Well, being the fan of words that I am, I can totally relate to the ‘reading something’ bit. The content doesn’t have to be sexual to turn me on if the phraseology is stellar. 😉
It is so interesting that our brains take us places we think we don’t want to go. The way that you wrote was so effective in taking us along with that process and it has happened to me over things sometimes. Usually I am scared to admit them though let along write about them so credit to you. 🙂
Thanks; it was a little weird during, but I sort of tuned out the ?!?! 😱 until afterward. It’s strange how certain imaginings can be “Oooo, HOT!” when the reality is more like “Ewww, NOT!”
This was a great read. I always fantasize about things when I am masturbating – I have to have a vivid picture in my mind. On a few occasions another had entered that space that i would not have chosen to put there and I have run with it and come! That may be similar – and I try and forget the picture for future sessions. Cause i say NO i don’t like that 😉 – minds and bodies – odd things!
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I think my lack of picture-esque fantasies probably stems from just not being a visual person. I can – and do, often; reading is my preferred form of entertainment – paint my own picture from well-composed words, but somehow when the picture appears first, it’s like my brain shuts down.
When I *do* conjure visuals, they’re usually based on a real-life desire that’s been shared by a person I know (and who is then clearly a part of the scenario I’m imagining), and it’s vivid with the details we’ve mutually discussed.
Dreams, on the other hand… Well, that’s another matter altogether. 😳
While I can’t imagine it (because that’s now how I fantasize), I definitely understand the libido not matching up with the will thing — and frankly, take what you can get when you can get it — even if under other circumstances you’d be a nope on something.
Also, a spunky vagina is a happy vagina…at least some of the time. 🙂
Yeah, I think my type of fantasizing falls into the category of Yuneek & Speshul. 😉
Yep, definitely had this happen to me. One that really took me by surprise was suddenly finding myself imagining a double penetration thing with two men of colour. Now the DP thing is totally me but the other part of it is not something that has ever been a thing for me in that I have not fetishised it all…. It totally flabbergasted me, especially when I came so damn hard as a result of the fantasy.
And this comment is the first time I have ever mentioned it.
Mollyx
Thank you for sharing!
The subconscious mind is a wild and unpredictable creature. 🙂
Them damn lucky aliens get all the fun……….
‘Intergalactic’ does have a kinky ring to it, don’t you think? 😉
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