Things that make you go, “…hmnh.”

There are a lot of things I enjoy about blogging. Often though, I think, the conscious ‘enjoyment’ bit is wrapped up in the things I am on the ‘giving’ end of. As in: I like creating content, participating in memes, organizing projects, etc. The doing bits. But there is a more… I dunno, passive is NOT the word I’m looking for… but there is a part of blogging that I also enjoy that could be considered ‘receiving’. Like, I really like reading other people’s ideas. When someone writes something or explains something or shares their experience with something that makes me go, “…hmnh.” I love that!

It can be very easy to fall into a mindset of “I agree with this so therefore it is good” when it comes to any form of social media. (And regardless of my antipathy toward social media as a whole, I fully understand that blogging is a form of social media. 🙂 ) I don’t find the *nodnodnod* and “Of course! This person thinks exactly like I do — therefore, they are brilliant!” practice of taking in new information to be particularly edifying.

Rather:

When someone says, “Hey, what about this?” and whatever ‘this’ is, is something that makes me think? That makes me look at my own opinions/experiences in a new way or shines a light on something that I’ve not thought about before? Or just thought about differently before? THAT, to me, is Brain Food™, and it always makes me hungry for more.

If you are the same way, perhaps you will enjoy what’s on offer below. These are all posts that have given me pause to ponder – my husband calls these types of things ‘thinky’ – over the past month.

Perhaps they’ll stir up a thought or two for you too. 🙂

The First Three — Questions: Am I doing it right?

(conversations we really need to have)

This is something that people deal with in all walks of life, right? Like: Am I handling this the right way? Is this what I’m supposed to be doing? Do other people have these same feelings (or lack thereof) about __________ [insert X, Y, Z, or Q Thing]?

It’s something that especially seems to come up in power dynamics: Am I doing this right?

And y’know…

I don’t Domme right.

And I really don’t fucking care.

But I think other people really do care. Not about what I’m doing — I’m not that egotistical! — but about whether what they are doing is what they are ‘supposed’ to be doing. Because I think peer pressure is a thing, and I think that even though the kink community can be very “There’s no ONE way,” the truth is…

The way things are presented often leaves folks with the idea that there is One Way. Or a best way. Or even just a general way that things should be happening.

And when your experience doesn’t match that, it can be a bit “…?…”

These first three posts are very much about the idea of following the perceived expectations of specific sexual roles and activities. (Titles linked.)

How do you feel when you play? by Ferns at Domme Chronicles:

This post came about when a less-experienced dominant woman asked a question in a forum. “Is there a way you should feel about this?” the asker questioned, in terms of playing on the D/ side of the D/s slash. “When play starts,” she says, “all I feel is awkward.”

Ferns wrote a brilliant reply to the person who asked, with and explanation and further expostulation in this blog post:

To expand on that further, ‘it’s complicated’ and ‘it depends’, neither of which are useful answers for anybody.

That doesn’t make them untrue. It does depend: What kind of play is it, what’s my mood, what am I wanting out of it, are we doing something new, how long have we known each other, how close are we feeling that day, etc etc.

I’ve spoken about Domme space (dom space, top space) before, and I think that’s something else again. That’s the rarified air of the perfect storm.

Either way, though, there’s no ‘single way’ that it feels, not even when it’s with the same submissive, under what looks like the same circumstances, doing the same kind of play. People are too complicated for that and any small change in mood or emotion or stress or room temperature or goodness knows what can change how play pans out, where it goes, how it feels.

The Problem with Causing Pain by Purple Sole at Purple’s Gem:

PS talks honestly about how he feels when it comes to (not) being a sadist. About the conflation of expectations of causing pain with the reality of being a caretaker, about the Not Into It-ness that he feels in regards to taking on the sadistic role.

My enjoyment stems from the power of the situation, taking control of littlegem’s emotional state and seeing the enjoyment that comes from it. I try to make a scenario based on the information she tells me and what I am comfortable with. After all there is no point doing an activity that you don’t want to do. Yes there are some little things I like, the sound of a crop hitting skin with a satisfying thwack, watching the enjoyment of littlegem as she sinks into a spacey mindset. But causing pain on its own, no, not for me. I don’t want to see littlegem crying from the pain I’ve caused, it just doesn’t do it for me. Maybe that’s because I’m much more comfortable with a care giving role. 

This is something that, as soon as I read it, I said to myself: We need to talk about this kind of thing more.

Because being a Dominant does not mean being a sadist. The two concepts sometimes overlap, but they don’t have to. And if you’re not into pain (I’m not! If it’s about sensation, that’s great; if it’s about hurting someone, not so much.) 

Oral equality: this handjob is worth more to me than head by GOTN at Girl On The Net:

Assumptions are never a good idea, right? 

And yet, there is often an assumption that – when it comes to sexual scorekeeping (which, for the record, is not something I’m a fan of; it happens though) – what you are doing for your partner should be reciprocated. In equal measure, and in kind.

Except sometimes what we enjoy giving and what we enjoy receiving are not the same thing.

GOTN talks about the concept of (the lack of) tit-for-tat in this post about oral sex and the orgasm gap.

I’m not a massive fan of getting head. I’ve said it before, and people are occasionally horrified: how can I call myself a feminist if I don’t insist on oral equality? I am a huge fan of giving head: I take egomaniacal pride in being able to suck cock so well that it has my other half whimpering and trembling on the edge of orgasm for the duration of an entire Portishead song. So where’s the reciprocal pleasure? What of the famed ‘orgasm gap’? Surely I, as a feminist, should insist on oral reciprocity? No.

Two More To Ponder

SOME DIFFERENT THINKING:  How much do you think about branding? About brands you use, about what you buy and why? What you are loyal to? 

Dar at An Exacting Life wrote a post recently called Branded. (I know that title will conjure kinky imaginings among my readers, but this post is only ‘sexy’ in the ‘wow, that makes me think!’ kind of way. 😉 ) She is SO GOOD at bringing everyday things – things we often don’t consciously think about – out into the open and creating discussion about them. If you have brand loyalties – and especially if you think you don’t – I’d encourage you to go have a look at her post and read what people are saying in response to her ponderings. 🙂

THINKING VISUALLY:  I am not generally a visual person. However, once in a while somebody else’s visual presentation of a concept/idea really makes me stop and think. This is definitely true of the photograph Mirror by Kisungura at My Controlled Ascent.

There is a quote attached to the photo in this post, but I’d strongly encourage you to look at the photo first. See how it strikes you.

BECAUSE

There is artistic intent and there is the impression left upon the audience: sometimes the two are synonymous; other times they are not.

I was stricken by this image, as well as by the quote, but for different reasons. And taken together…

Well. Let’s just say I have opinions. 😉

I’d love to hear yours!

What have you been reading lately?

What kinds of things make you go, “…hmnh”?