The Mommy Factor: on Mothering, as part of a relationship dynamic

Mothering

Where’s mommy?

My husband

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I don’t know exactly when it started — though I would hazard a reasonable guess that it was around the time we adopted our first cat together — but for the majority of our relationship, my husband has referred to me as “mommy.”

Usually this term of endearment was used while speaking to the animals. They would always greet us when we came home, and if one of us was home but the other was just returning, they would acknowledge the newcomer with varying degrees of enthusiasm (the dog) and/or disdain (the cats). So if I was already home, and my hubby was just returning, the animals would greet him and he would say — to them — Where’s mommy?

This has never bothered me; instead, I find it endearing. Because {1} I believe it is a term that developed out of an acknowledgement of my inclination to nurture, and {2} it has never been a term infused with any kind of negativity.

It is also not a sexual term.

There are things about the term ‘mommy’ that influence our sexual relationship though — and not in an age-play or taboo role play sense, but in an everyday This is how we roll sense — because mothering is definitely part of our overall relationship dynamic.

^And there’s your content warning, folks. If anything about the concept of taking on a mothering/parenting role in an adult relationship is tweaky for you, click away now.

What It Looks Like

I think a lot of people assume, when their hear ‘mommy’ and apply their preconceived notions to a relationship, they assume that either {1} the woman has a passel of kids, or {2} the couple must be in some kind of kinky-role MSDB¹ thing.

And y’know…

No.

*laugh*

I think, if we (‘we’ being ‘all of us’) are honest, that many romantic relationships have some aspect of parent/child built into them and it has nothing to do with kink.

It can *be* your kink, of course.

But it doesn’t *have to be* kinky.

Sometimes this parent/child thing is that they both want to be the boss/parent. Cue constant fighting.

Sometimes it means both parties behave like children.

Other times, though — probably most times — it is that one partner is more inclined toward nurturing/guidance/directorship/Emperor-ness and that the other partner is more inclined to look for those bossy parent-type qualities in the other.

This, of course, can look very different depending on the other factors that influence a dynamic.

But for me/us…

And here is where I emphasize the personal opinion/experience part of the program, folks: this is how it is for me; that DOES NOT MEAN it is like this for everybody.

…’mothering’ shows up in really basic everyday ways.

Like:

1. Did you brush your teeth?²
2. Tell me you did not just half-ass that job. Go back and do it again.
3. Momma needs a nap.
4. Are you finished with your chores?
5. Take your medicine.³

You get the idea.

And it is also present in showing/teaching where certain skills are concerned. How to make banana bread -and- Try not to set the kitchen on fire have come up in recent years. Don’t wash all the laundry with hot water and Clean up your own messes are continual works in progress.

But really…

The point, I guess, is that it’s just natural. Mothering – or the parenting dynamic, generally speaking – is not separate from What We Do.

It’s just what we do.

If that makes sense.

Where It Comes From

The question that kinky people usually ask is, “But isn’t it kinky?”

No. Not for me.

And the question that non-kinky people tend to ask — if they happen to know/notice — is “Where does this behavioral tendency come from?”

For me…

AGAIN: This is about me. Your perspective about your relationship{s} may vary.

…it’s mostly about having been an eldest child who took on the parenting responsibilities for younger family members at an early age (and who also did a bit of ‘parenting the parents’ in ways that were unfair but necessary). It’s ingrained, to a degree.

And I gravitate to people who — wittingly or not — seek that out.

For my husband…

I don’t even know if he sees it, honestly. But in a nutshell, where growing-up was concerned: his family was chaotic. The idea of setting clear expectations was foreign to his parents. And so was the idea of reasonable consequences (both good and bad). I think the lack of structure impacted him as a young boy in ways he carries forward even still today.

So picture, if you will, a somewhat chaotic nebulous form that is sparkling and exploding and moving about quite a bit without moving in an particular direction. That’s him.

And then picture a clear plexi encasement that surrounds it, keeping it safe from outside forces moving it randomly and likewise keeping it from exuding its chaos on others. That’s me.

Together: That’s us.

I am all about structure. But building a structure is kind of useless of there’s no one for whom the structure has been built.

He looks for structures he can fit into — this was the case with his previous career, for example — because it gives him a sense of security. When he doesn’t have structure, he flounders. Therefore: Where he is without structure, I try to provide it.

If that makes sense.

The Pros and Cons of Caretaking

To a degree, I think this structure-around-chaos model of relationship-ing is what got us through his kidney failure. Because illness is chaos. And dealing with the admin of doctors appointments and insurance claims on top of the scheduling challenges — not to mention paying the medical bills and all the other life expenses that come up — is like pouring gasoline on the chaos flame.

So the fact that I tend to ‘mother’ has long meant that I ‘manage’.

Right?

Like, I manage the finances and I manage the scheduling and I manage the day-to-day To-Do Lists.⁴ I manage.

And that ‘management’ – or ‘mothering’ – keeps us both in a space that feels safe.

I have a sense of safety in that something chaotic needs structure and I’m the girl to do it.

He is safe knowing that a structure is being built.

Call it a difference in skill sets or an opposites-attract quirk of personalities.

Or just call it mothering. (Because it kinda is.)

It’s a piece of the care-taking puzzle that fits.

Honestly, though, I think there are some drawbacks to the caretaking aspect. Because while I want to care for him, I do not want the care of him. For some, that is just a matter of semantics. But words are my schtick and I assure you: they are very different things. I am a partner, not a nursemaid.

And sometimes — not as much so now, because the majority of his health issues are behind us — it’s a line we skirt too near for comfort.

For his comfort as well as mine.

Because he wants to be an independent adult, right? But there are ways that he depends on me. And sometimes one aspect of his human-ness conflicts with the other.

So I mother him, to a degree.

But I am NOT his mother.

Other Thoughts

I have found, in ancillary relationships, that mothering also comes into play. Once it was a somewhat sexy term of endearment from someone who physically ‘got it’ where certain parts of my psyche were concerned.⁵ And while the term ‘mommy’ has not been used with any other partners since that relationship ended, the elements of caretaking/mothering are still there.

Basically: I’m inclined to be bossy motherly. And I gravitate toward people who need a bit of bossing mothering.

*laugh*

Because, reasons.

~ The End ~

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FOOTNOTES

¹BDSM, backward… Get it? 😉

²No joke. I mean… It’s funny, in it’s own way. But I’m serious. I ask him that almost every morning. *laugh*

³I once wrote a post by that title.

⁴To be exceedingly clear: I do not DO the To-Do Lists. I just create them. Then I supervise while he ticks of the boxes one by one. *laugh*

⁵I’m not going to explain. This post is already over 1300 words long. Feel free to read here if you want a glimpse.