A Matter Of Measurements

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My spouse is the King of Random Questions. I should be used to it by now…

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Straddling his backside, my knees hugged firmly to his hips, I smoothed shea butter over my husband’s battered skin. My hands were working their way down and I was just debating over delectable ways to torture his ass, when he snapped out of his own head space and broke his silence with one of his infamous Random Questions.

In a voice brimming with curiosity, he asked me, “What’s the length of an Olympic pool?”

More than a bit engaged with the task (and flesh) at hand, I nudged him gently and told him to roll over, then answered distractedly, “Eight and a half inches, I think.”

I was just about to take *his* length in hand when his choked laugh disrupted my reverie.

Quirking an eyebrow in askance, I paired my stern voice with a saucy grin. “What?” I demanded.

Eyes downcast, but still snorting back a chuckle, the Mister replied, “Pool, hon. I asked about Olympic pools. Not poles.”

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This momentary lapse (Get it? Pool? Laps…? Never mind…) in concentration has been brought to you by 12/21 (so much for the end of the world…apparently the world didn’t get the memo), True Blue spa products, and the letter M. For massage. And Mister Fever. And Michael Phelps.

‘Kayso, I’m off to practice my breast stroke… 😉

Does this brain make my head look fat?

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Here’s a free health tip: Phenylalanine will hijack your blood pressure and jump a rocket ship for the moon, so you might want to *not* consume that particular product. (And for those of you who are like, “Whaaa…?”, or who are thinking, “Dude! I don’t do drugs!”, let me enlighten you: Phenylalanine is found in soda. Mmmm-kay?)

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So regardless of the fact that I’ve been trying to get my spouse to take an omega supplement (brain food and cholesterol reducer all in one!) for months now, he has blatantly ignored my sage advice and blithely gone about his own business. Recently, however, the Mister purchased a brain supplement (I’m fresh out of jokes here, but we’re not talking about his little head) that, unbeknownst to us, contained an ingredient that caused his blood pressure to skyrocket. (Yep, you guessed it: Phenylalanine. Fee-nul-al-uh-neen.) I, of course, being the Wife Who Takes Care Of These Things (a.k.a., the Best! Wife! Ever! ~ yes, the title comes with its own exclamation points), called the health food store to arrange for the return of the offending (o-feen-ding) product. As per their policy, we were able to exchange but not return, so the smiling (read: sooo ready to go home) sales clerk directed me to the vegan omega supplement I was looking for and, as a result, unwittingly took part in our momentary marital drama.

The Mister: (holding a bottle of sunflower lecithin, looking befuddled) Maybe I should take this instead…?

Me: (holding my omega supplement, which contains sunflower oil) Maybe you should take this instead.

Le Clerk: If you want to improve brain function, I’d agree with her.

Me: (under my breath, to the Mister) Improve your brain function!  Agree with me!

The Mister: (*Snort*) Ungh.

Me: (to the clerk, with a huge smile) I think it’s working already!

Le Clerk: (nodding obliviously) It’s such a smart idea to take omegas.

The Mister: Yeah, my wife is plenty smart. (muttering good-naturedly) She’s brilliant.

Le Clerk: Well, the reason omegas work so well is because of the amino acids.  Your brain is made of amino acids, water, and fat.

Pause

The Mister: So, considering that my wife is so smart, it’d be accurate to call her a fat head?

"Why, it's a Major Award!"

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Leg Lamp

LOVE A Christmas Story!  I have no idea where this leg lamp label originated, but *I* hijacked it from this blog (with her knowledge, of course!) for use in this post.

“Frah-Jee-Lay…  Must be Italian!”

If you haven’t seen the movie (and if you haven’t, shame on you!), you will not understand.

Moving on.

SO.

I got an award.  A bloggy-type award.

Typically when I get nominated for an award, I just kind of smile and shrug (read: look puzzled and cringe) and say “Um…thanks?  I think?”  There’s a whole list of rules titled How To Receive Your Award With Grace and protocol usually requires that I share intimate secrets with my readers (uhh…don’t I do that already?) before sending them (my readers, not my secrets!) on to visit blogs of other perversions persuasions.  I did this once before…sort of…but that was back when I had like five regular readers.  Now that there’s at least seven of you (give or take) who regularly read my ramblings, I felt I should make more of an effort to accept this latest one.

So without further ado…

Compassionate Communicater

I think she got the ‘Cum’ part wrong, but ‘Passion’ I can do.  If it was *my* award (oh, wait…it *is* my award!), it’d be the ‘Cum, Passion It’ Award.

I’m a ‘Cum, Passion It’ blogger.

Heh.  😉

So, if you’re anything like me (yes, yes, I know…you are your own individual, a unique and special snowflake, and nobody is anything like you…You-Neek and Speh-Shul, you are), you probably read the little quote (which, by the way, should be attributed to someone, even if it’s ‘Anonymous’) on the certificate above and said, “Whaaa…?”

See?  You’re more like me than you want to admit.  😉

Or, perhaps, you *like* me more than you want to admit?  You like me!  You really, really, like me!  (Yes, Sally Field said it first.  I think I deserve an award for properly annotating my quotes.)

Anywhoo…

I found out the general gist of this award is that it’s passed from one blogger (Blogger A) to another (Blogger B) because Blogger B strikes a chord (however off-key it may be) with Blogger A.  Sometimes that chord is not so much a chord as it is a funny bone.  So she (Blogger A) likes my blog (written by Blogger B) because it makes her laugh and she (Blogger A) gave me (Blogger B) an award because of it.  Woo-hoo!  Go me!

And…

Stuff…

‘Kayso, enough about me.  Let’s talk about other people.

Behind their backs.  😛

The general rule is that in receiving this award, I’m supposed to link to seven other blogs I think are cool. If you were paying attention, you’d know I’ve already included two links above.  The first one (a la The Leg Lamp) is PG and is full of short funnies that are good for a quick snort-laugh.  The second one (She Who Gives Random Awards, a.k.a. Deviant Wench) is also funny but definitely *not* PG, if you know what I mean.

So now for the remaining five:

Ned’s Blog:  This post had me snorting water out my nose, and I’ve been following him ever since.  Ned Hickson is a (PG) humor columnist, and he’s well worth clicking your mouse to.  Erm…  Well…  Clicking your mouse…  You know what I mean.

innocent1:  He doesn’t post very often, but he’s funny.  And PG.  Sorta.  Mostly.  I think.  And I read his blog even though I don’t understand his penchant for running.  I mean, does anyone truly like to run?  I don’t.  I *do* it.  (Run!  I *run*, perverts!)  But only in short bursts.  And usually only if the Mister is chasing me…

Lance + Jeff:  If a gay Christmas tree is “put-together,” then I wanted the straightest-ass tree possible.  I read this line and I was hooked.  There’s some stuff in this blog about Dollywood and Disney World that I don’t get at all, but these boys remind me of my brother (the one I actually like, I mean; I have three, but the two who *aren’t* gay are… um, not my favorites), even if they do frequent Dunkin’ Donuts a little too often to be considered healthy.

In The Forest, Falling:  To say Sparks In Shadow writes beautiful poetry does not do her words justice.  She paints her words on the page with precision; no splatters, no drips, no runs.  Her poems are a delight to read.

A Shot A Day:  Photography, pure and simple.  He’s learning how to use his first DSLR and as you will see from his gallery, he’s doing an awesome job of it.

(If I linked to your blog and you came back to read this ridiculously long post, consider yourself nominated.  Feel free to don your tutu and cavort about doing cartwheels.  Or, feel free to do nothing about it.  Either way, really.  And:  If I read your blog regularly but did *not* link to you in this post, consider yourself spared from the agonizing ordeal of preparing an acceptance speech.  Also, consider yourself awesome.  :D)

So there you have it!  Seven peeps for you to peruse.

Awww…  Were you expecting 100% kink?  Sorry (not really) to disappoint you.  I’m a well-rounded reader.

And speaking of being well-rounded:

Cleaning My Curves

   I’ll bet you thought I forgot, didn’t you?  Nope!  Happy Wanton Wednesday!

My Dear Partner…

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When what’s left of you gets around to getting what’s left to be gotten, whatever’s left to be gotten won’t be worth getting, whatever it is you’ve got left!

From: Davis
To: Wallace

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To: Davis
From: Wallace

When I figure out what that means, I’ll be sure to come up with a crushing reply.

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Rapid-fire retro repartee brought to you by Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye, a la White Christmas. LOVE the holiday classics.

What’s your favorite Christmas movie? (Debbie Does The North Pole does NOT count!)

Do tell!