Figure Drawing At Its Hardest

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I can’t tell you exactly what it was about the experience that made me respond the way I did, but something about it just worked.

Was it the physical formation of his body, his musculature beneath naked skin holding a pose? I don’t think so. Not exactly. (Though no doubt it was a contributing factor.)

Was it the knowledge that all of us in the room — clothed in turtlenecks and jeans, sweaters and boots — were slightly chilled despite the layers and that he, the model — wearing only alabaster skin — had no such protection from the cool air within the cavernous room? Perhaps. (I am not unduly mean, but once in a while I enjoy a man’s discomfort.) Though you wouldn’t know he felt the cold; there was not a single goosebump on his body.

There were goosebumps on my body though. Specifically in the region of my nipples.

And as he stood posed in front of us all, his exposed genitals were anything but cold. (Unless he was oppositely-wired for temperature response?) I’d say, from the way his at-rest penis slowly stretched to attention in front of our eyes, that he was getting quite warm.

Though why viewing this should make *me* warm remains a mystery to this day. (Because I am NOT a visual-stimulus person.) While I find my spouse’s anatomical changes fascinating, any arousal I feel from that display of blood-rush (and subsequent loss thereof) has everything to do with my feelings for him as a person and his usefulness to me in such a condition; it is not, and has never been, about the mere swelling and receding of flesh. And it was definitely not about *that* with this would-be mannequin.

But it was about something.

When it came to my responses that day — goosebumps, though not from the coolness of the air — it was not {only} about the body of the model or {particularly} about how that body was responding in front of 20 pairs of watching eyes.

Though one of the responses was a bit like a shiny red bow on a beautifully wrapped surprise package.

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Just So Much Noise

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The worn-thin cotton of his pajama pants feels like silk against my fingers as I stroke thumb and forefinger alternately over the growing flesh beneath them, the barely-there shhh-shh, shhh-shh lost beneath the cacophony coming from the adjoining hotel room.

The noise — unexpected, unwelcome — comes in titters and guffaws, yells and hoots, slurred words and too-far-turned-up tunes from four young women celebrating a birthday who are either uncaring or just plain unaware that there is anyone in the universe outside of themselves. Anyone, for instance, in the room next door. Anyone in the room next door, for instance, who inhabit a universe alone and who might prefer to make some celebratory noises of their own.

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…and now I’m qualified to wrestle alligators.

Operation: Deck Furniture

…is now complete.

*

I got Smotchy to help me, and once the feet were on, I tackled the cushions.

Which took me 30 minutes.

For three cushions.

Ten minutes per cushion.

Because there was no air space around that foam inside the cover. And because the way the zippers are sewn, you have to make thick foam board-style padding bend. Which is rather like asking a thick-set size 12 lady to cram herself into size 8 skinny jeans.

IT CAN BE DONE.

It just requires a lot of muscle. And contortion. And swearing sweat.

But I now have a deck couch!

brown wicker deck couch with blue cushions

…and the experience of putting it together has led me to believe I might be qualified to sportfish for sharks.

Or wrestle alligators.

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Inching Along

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There should be warning labels on boxes containing unassembled furniture parts: MAY CAUSE HOMICIDAL IDEATION IN OTHERWISE NORMAL PEOPLE.

Good. LORD.

May has muchly been Home Improvement Month at casa del Feve, and after sanding/cleaning/restaining the deck and setting/repairing the awning, I ordered deck furniture. (Woohoo! said I. Look at me being such a fancy adult!)

Well. Said furniture arrived.

And it took over an hour to unbox. (Because, hello airtight crammed-in packing.)

And so far today, it has taken an hour and a half to not-even-half assemble.

Because there really are do-it-yourself put-together items out there WORSE than you find at IKEA.

Note: I am never ordering from Wayfair again. EVER.

Also: I don’t have mm tools. I live in ‘Murrica. It’s inches for me.

So when ordering, I note that the product description says, “all tools needed for assembly included” (and I believed it — mistake number one!), and I don’t stop to wonder whether I’ll have tools of my own to do the trick.

But when the assembly begins…

Turns out the ‘tools’ provided are total crap. And everything is in FUCKING METRIC.

So.

Eventually — like maybe sometime in August? — I will have a deck couch that looks like this:

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