by Jayne Ayres
This is the first in a new series of guest posts. For more information, click here.
How I deal with change of my own was difficult. I can talk about it as if I understand it but I think it doesn’t matter what I say or think. Change just IS, irregardless of me. I have found my own personal change to be static and relentless in it’s need but I feel it’s a mental mercurial process.
I am like a rock tumbler, changing within continuously as if it’s a current that I am not controlling. My mind is always going like music in the background. It doesn’t stop unless I am rigid in repetitive actions of responsibility and purpose, but that’s only because I can’t think about it at those times. If most of my life is aligned, I have a light juggling going on within myself at a comforting speed. When there are major components needing attention, shifting, adjusting and or possible removal, then my engine is running hot to accommodate and adjust mentally. That is the time I write or speak or act flippantly. The majority of myself is attending change and I only have a few brain cells to run other systems because I want to get that change done – handled. I become distant from friends and I know for sure that I have some casual friends who think of me as flighty because I’ve been in this state for a while now. The fact is, I don’t share the real thoughts of life’s changes stirring within until they’re almost over or until the route has been figured out and I can let up on processing. You who may read my thoughts are the ones who catch me in that changing light. I have this image of me as some substance and life is grinding me against a spinning stone. I spark and pieces fly up as I change shape. I have no understanding of why I cling to the thoughts of what needs to change but I do.
I first get a sense of something that needs change because it is in my mind’s peripheral view …kind of like a zombie. Sometimes, they go away or fade into the background but the change I must always tackle is the one that is like a zombie – relentless until handled. I think that the need to change is to be tested and questioned for sure so the change is made clearly and accurately. Change to me is choice in what I believe but the part that is relentless is the truth of the change. The truth of what the cost is if I don’t change. I may be talking from the deep end because I’ve been in a state of change for years now ending my marriage of 23 years. I MIGHT be a bit on the serious side but I had to be serious because the only other option was to accept what I could never accept – someone I couldn’t relate to.
Change comes and stands around me until I notice it’s there and I have to make room for it. Usually I have to throw things out and that’s where I resist but, after examining it and questioning myself to determine its true message, I know what direction to take. If it’s a big change, I try to resist but the truth under my stubborn reaction is that if I don’t act upon it, I am negating what I’m feeling on a deeper level. What use am I to myself if I ignore it. I think that ignoring the markers for course correction is a sure way to jack myself up really bad and that I try to avoid.
I have caught a wonderfully smooth feeling when I simply let it be and not thought about what was lost but rather, I quickly accepted the change without question. It was very, very nice. I need practice though.