Duh.
And no, you most definitely do NOT have permission to cum.
These answers ~ and more! ~ can apparently be found on my blog. Because Oogle-gay, in all its wisdom, refers people to my blog when they type in questions (search terms) like this:
- is she stealing my term “non latex condom” (seriously…all one phrase, no question mark, and all lower case)
And this:
- permission to cum tease and denial
And while pretty much anyone who’s looking for a Sybian synopsis can find one here {you wouldn’t believe the number of search terms including the (oft-misspelled) word ‘Sybian’ that route readers to Casa del Feve, but while do women enjoy sybians ~ um, yes…duh! ~ makes sense, 2 women with nipples to each other on sybian definitely misses the mark}, this is NOT ~ I repeat, NOT! ~ the place to cum (you don’t have permission, remember?) if you want your cock crushed.
‘Kay.
So, to summarize our main points as succinctly as possible:
- Yes, I am stealing your sperm. That’s why I use non-latex condoms. Duh.
- No, you do not have permission to cum. Again, I say: Duh.
- Yes, women “enjoy” Sybians. This woman does, anyway. Um, Duh.
- No, I will not crush (or bind or trample or whip ~ enough with the CBT, people!) your cock. Yeesh! (I’ll spank it though. And your balls too. I’m kinda…skilled…at that. In case you were wondering.)
We’ll just ignore the fact that #1 and #2 sort of negate one another, okay? Because that would be looking at things logically. Which obviously (see the triple-Duh’s above) is not the way to go. Therefore, in honor of The Most WTF?!? Search Terms Ever, I’m going to defy logic. Which means I’m going to answer more moronic musings, questionable queries, and curious comments from…erm…Those Who Are Desperately Seeking A Clue.
Clench your buttocks, people! And don’t say I didn’t warn you…
(And for the record, Q does not necessarily mean Question. It just means I looked at my stats page under Search Terms and this is what I found in the Queue.)
Q: What do black stiletto boots go with?
A: Nothing. Which is why I wear mine with my birthday suit.
Q: What is the meaning of LMP in BDSM?
A: I have no idea. But my LMP is a Licensed Massage Practitioner, and she’s a sadist who abuses me regularly. And I, apparently, am a pain slut. Because I continually go back for more.
Q: hairy risig mature
A: Whaaa…?
Q: “coughed and coughed and coughed”
A: I think you’re confused. I don’t give prostate exams. Only prostate massages.
Q: Take ass temperature pictures.
A: No.
Q: mature legs wrapped around missionary
A: NMK. (Not My Kink. Learned that one at dinner last night.) For the record, I have never wrapped my legs around a missionary. And maturity has nothing to do with it.
Q: “not wearing a bra”
A: Damned right, I’m not.
Q: Baby, it’s cold outside naked.
A: Duh. (Again with the Duh.)
A: Wanton Wednesdays.
Q: Most spankable ass of the day?
A: Ooh, two in a row!
Q: fuckinghusband’snipples
A: Erm… Um, okay… And here we were doing so well…
Q: “fucking myself with my lelo”
A: OhFuckYes… I’ll go do that right now. (One last time: DUH.)
CBT is NMK. I did see some really odd videos about ballbusters. There is a “Scientific” name for that kink, but I can’t recall it. While perusing porn one night I saw a category devoted to that. The videos were all quite short, it doesn’t take very long to kick someone in the crotch. The Dom taking care of these guys could’ve been a place kicker in the NFL. Actually there is probably someone out there that gets turned on by any activity. I’ve talked with AB about texting random sets of characters to pervs to see what they come up with. And speaking of pervs, I see Arch is back at AFF. It’ll be a pleasure to read him again. I google myself every now and then. It’s kind of fun to see what I’ve been up to. I’ve tried calling myself a few times. {My name is fairly common. I know of at least a half dozen that have the same first, middle, and last names. Quite a range in ages though.}
Googling myself is NMK. But I am always entertained when I read the Search Terms column on my WordPress stats page.
Yeah, Arch told me he went back so he could blog. He’s been moody lately, so if he’s being a dick, be extra nice to him. It pisses him off. 😛
I’m not one for crotch-kicking. Yet for some unknown reason, the term “cock crush” (WTF?!?) leads people straight to me. Whaaa…???
The weirdness of the universe is astounding.
The only crazy one I’ve had so far in search terms was “My husband won’t allow me to wear panties at home.”
I don’t know when I became the go-to authority on that particular First World Problem…but, I hope I could be of some service to the poor woman. Or service her. Either way.
I’m not sure how search engines compile WordPress content or how long it takes to do so, but don’t be surprised if you find “married sex with a vacuum” or “cell phone thrust in ass” on your list eventually. Because that’s what you write about. Duh.
So I’ve no doubt you’ll soon become the number one authority on many things, if you aren’t already. Servicing women who aren’t wearing panties is just the beginning.
I used to read a blog called The Dom Next Door (the ‘used to’ is HIS doing, not mine; I would still read him, but he’s stopped writing), and he once wrote that one of his most random search terms was “belly button squirm”. Has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?
I’m honestly quite befuddled at what leads the “cock crush” crowd in my direction. It’s actually my number one most commonly used search engine term, and I have yet to figure out what I’ve written that would promote that combination of words, let alone the true meaning of them. Makes me wonder how many of my followers are antsy with anticipation, waiting for me to torture their tool…
Count me as NOT among them! 🙂 I may disire a myriad of activities done with an to ‘lil Sinner’…crush has yet to make that list. If it ever does, I’ll skip the search engine and head straight to your digital door. Because, if Goo-gull calls you THE expert, it must be gospel.
Gospel, eh?
That’ll be three Our Fathers and three Hail Fevers, Sinner.
Amen.