Also: Happy Birthday to ME! 😀
Seriously. It’s my birthday. Let’s have CAKE! 😀 😀
Cake and a convo, table for 190. Ready to munch? Here’s your brain food:
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
WARNING: This post contains schmexy material, including (but not limited to) giraffe pussy and cartoonidy. Not responsible for chafed penises or scratched snatches. Common side effects include tantric comas induced by overstimulation of the medulla oblongata. All orgasms are final. No refunds. Exchanges encouraged. Proceed at your own risk.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
‘Kayso, to review: First there was this monkey business, then there was the blorgy (with the polyswing crossover conversation), which morphed into the whole ‘I Give Good Head’ thing, and now we are here today, having intellectual intercourse.
Any questions?
😀 😉 😛
Of course there are questions!
Not the least of which, is: What do you think will happen next in the following Scoob-a-rific situation?
Feel free to use your imagination. Or your sex toys. Whatever works. 😉
SO.
On with the post! There is much to discuss!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
AUDIENCE (That means YOU!) PARTICIPATION REQUESTED.
All thoughts are welcome!
(Just make sure you follow the rules.)
Please add to and/or expound upon any/all of the following:
As working definitions, we have:
Intimacy: personal trust, and a deep connection between two people
Kink: gaining sexual enjoyment from something others do not understand
Cheating: *intentional* emotional or physical violation of trust, including (but not limited to) omission of information and/or expecting/applying different standards to one or more parties within a relationship dynamic
These are working definitions (emphasis on the *working* ~ they are open for discussion and amendment), based on input from multiple readers (sounds orgy-rific, doesn’t it?) during our last conversation, are by no means all-inclusive. They are, however, a great place to start. So with that start in mind, I reiterate the following questions:
- What are your thoughts on intimacy? For example…
- Tiny says: Intimacy is when you feel comfortable enough to share your feelings for a total stranger sitting next to you on a crowded form of public transportation. (See also : A Shared Moment)
- Sarah says:
Intimacy is a connection between people. One that is real, and had depth. A good stimulating conversation can be intimate. What we are doing here is a form of intimacy. We are talking about things that are real and have some depth to them. We take a risk and expose ourselves in the hope that those we are having the conversation is also being real and true.
Intimacy one on one I feel is something you have with a lover. This is a deep kind of intimacy. But here too we are giving a part of ourselves to another in the hopes that they will treat it with care. An intimacy between lovers is an emotional bond, giving and receiving physical pleasures can happen here.
All of us as a group {read: those who are participating in this conversation} we have a connection and similar interests that stimulate us. We give a little of ourselves to keep the stimulation afloat.
Additional intimate food for thought can be found here.
- How do you define ‘kink’?
- Cheating: What does it mean to you?
Kinky?
Well, I warned you there would be giraffe pussy!
And in the afterglow of our last mind fuck, you (that’s YOU!) got me (that’s ME!) thinking about this:
- How does your own sex culture and/or personal philosophical construct affect/influence:
- Sexual communication within your relationship(s)?
- Social mores where sex is concerned?
- Gender roles?
- What are your thoughts on gender roles within a sexual dynamic?
- Given the opportunity to swap genders temporarily, would you?
- If you answered yes to the above question: Why?
- How much does a person’s appearance (or lack thereof ~ i.e., anonymity) play a part in your online sexual experiences? {That one is from the Mister, who occasionally sneaks peeks at my blog in supersecretspystealth mode (typically on Wednesdays) and is totally random about playing along at home.}
Additionally:
- Can you/do you *choose* to fall in love? Explain.
- What is the average amount of time it takes to orgasm?
- Sex and Money. How do you view the relationship(s) between the two?
- What is your experience with sex toys?
- How have your experiences with and/or views about *authority* played a role in your sex life?
- How has your family construct and/or the sex culture in which you grew up influenced your sexual choices over time?
And, last but not least:
Going back to the Velma & Shaggy thing… Do you think there was a mummy involved?
Sooo…
On your mark…
Get set…
Think! Discuss! Eat birthday cake! And Scooby snacks! And Velma! And stuff!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! What kind of cake and will there be ice cream?
Thanks!
I haven’t decided on cake yet. There are a myriad of baked goods inhabiting my kitchen already, so I’m not sure I want to add to the temptation just yet. We’ll see.
As for the ice cream… Well, there will definitely be cream. And there will be an Icicle. But that’s not quite the same thing. Lol.
Happy Birthday from all of your loving friends on WordPress.
Thank you. 🙂
First, Happy Birthday, darling.
Second, these questions have the old brain turning, so I may come back to answer some here, once ive formulated some intelligent thought, and I may link back to you in a post… or two.
I hope you get your cake and eat it too 😉
Xoxo
Thank you. 🙂
And I look forward to your return. And your linkage.
Hunh. Linkage makes me think of chain…which makes me think of bondage…and your blog…and…stuff…
And CAKE! 😀
Cake is good.
But sex is better.
:: meanders off in search of sex ::
How is it YOUR birthday and you got Velma as a present for ME?? Happy Happy, Pluto!
Well, I like to share. 😉
And I’ll be having a HappiER birthday when people start answering my questions.
Waaaiiiiting…
Hmmm. *peers*
I see you peeking! 😉
I’m a habitual voyeur; what can I say?
Happy B-day! 😀
Um that’s a lot of questions. lol
I’m still getting used to this site and wish I knew how their emoticons. Shhhhhh
Intimacy? I always think back to my psychology classes and I remember on thing about how ‘they’ defined “love”. There were seven types. All consisting of some (or all) of three elements. I forget how they were defined, but “intimacy” was one of them. “Commitment” was another. and something to do with “sexual satisfaction” (aka “lust”) was the third. “True love” would have all three,
“INTIMACY” was the most important to me, and still is. Someone to share “EVERYTHING” with. <3
No ice cream for me. Thank you. (Lactose intolerant. 🙁 )
I'm not all that "kinky" 😛
And since all the "relationships" :I'm in are about as 'open' as can be, to me 'Cheating' just means 'lying'.
Um, I'd be lying if I said I was going to come back to "answer" the rest of what you asked. lol
Hope you had a wonderful celebration of the anniversary of the day of your birth! 😀
{Insert big hugs and optional kisses.} :*
Yeah, the emoticons here aren’t all that great. I find myself wishing I’d imported some from That Other Place. Shhhh…
TRUE LOVE = intimacy + commitment + lust
As definitions go, it’s fairly bare-bones and might be skewed toward monogamy… But it’s a place to start! 😀
Would you say you’ve experienced TRUE LOVE, Monssieur Fur?
And I’m with you on the cheating is lying thing, as both terms indicate a betrayal of trust. I’m not a liar (brutally honest, sometimes to a fault: Yes, ma’am, as a matter of fact, that skirt makes your ass look huge…), and I’m not a cheater. I will tell you outright what I want/what I’m doing, as well as who I want it (whatever ‘it’ may be) from/with; if you’re my partner, and we’re in a relationship, we’ll come to a point of agreement/acceptance about it, and then go from there.
I’m curious as to why you put quotation marks around “relationship”. Are those air quotes? Or is ‘relationship’ a pseudonym for ‘the general state of fucking somebody half to death with my nine inch cock’? (Yes, I remember the measurement. :P)
Thanks for the birthday wishes, my friend. I’ll eat your share of the ice cream. Or, at the very least, I’ll utilize the chocolate syrup in interesting ways. 😉
Here’s a return birthday smooch:
Happy Birthday.
Shaggy has been my role model since I was 10 in 1972 and Velma was and is my prototype for the perfect girl.
So I know full well what’s going to happen next….. Shaggy would never just “jump” on a hot powerful girl like Velma. She’s cleary a top and he’s cleary a bottom. He would come to one of those great screeching stops inches from her and say “Zoinks Velma! You are so much sexier than Daphine!”
If she gave him a postive response he’d follow up with “I washed the bedding in the Mystery Mobile just for you. No Scoobly smell at all! It would be just groovy if would you’d check it out with me?!”
Lol. And I’m sure there would be a “Jinkies!” in that scenario, in Velma’s sexy Domme voice. And possibly a “Like, WOW” from Shaggy somewhere along the way. 😉
Hmmm…
I wonder if Velma has a feeldoe…? Or perhaps she’s a strap-on type of girl?
Maybe both.
Thanks for the birthday wishes, and for answering one of my questions. 😀
I’m fairly certain Shaggy is in for a good shag. 😉
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Anonymity and facelessness allows for me to exchange initial, uncensored though and reaction. I would have a definite reorganization, redefining perspective if I knew the age of someone. Older is fine but a real young age, not as fine. Is that a fear of judgement directed at me?…yes I would say there’s some of that too. Great questions!! I’ll have to go back and answer more. Your H’s question was strongest to me today. Jayne
uncensored thought and reaction
That was his line of thinking as well; the whole idea that without knowing what the other person looks like (or vice versa), it’s easier to put aside fears of rejection and just be yourself.
You make an interesting point about uncensored thoughts and reactions. Whereas we all have filters put in place in the 3D world, those filters aren’t always in place online…which has the potential for both positive (you can just be YOU) and negative (anonymity can bring out the worst in people) impacts.
The age factor is often key to how we interact with people face-to-face. How does that morph, I wonder, when one doesn’t know the age of their digital paramour? And, if a bond has already been established with the un-aged lover, does *learning* their age change the interaction(s) that take place afterward?
I think it would leap over the judgement stage because a relationship has already been set. I myself can see myself just adjusting to the “wrapping” of my friend but with a foundation already in place, judgement gets hijacked in a good way… maybe?
If the online relationship is the chocolate, and the age/appearance factors are the wrapping…
I wonder if/how the *texture* of your tasty treat will translate in 3-D? Physical chemistry manifests itself differently when skin-to-skin contact takes the place of digital interface.
Or does it?
RIGHT! Yes, I’ve thought it that far. What if the physical is not your typical look for attractiveness. It could intensify the attraction incredibly because it is an UNKNOWN, and now tangible piece of candy sitting on your watering tongue… but I imagine going to a swingers club might be kind of sort of similar because you know everyone there is there for a similar purpose. I don’t have that experience but the unstated agreement is a done deal after you walk in the door. You have an easier manner of backing away from a stranger than an established online friend who knows you well enough. ?? its all speculation on my part.
I’m not sure I understand where you’re going with the comparison between online relationships and swingers clubs.
Let’s take blogging relationships, for example. It seems to me that people who blog in the same genre {people who all write about/read about the same broad topic(s), such as sex} sort of flock together, forming different subsets (subsexts?) depending on particular interests (BDSM, fetishists, etc) and/or styles of writing/blogging (personal narrative, erotica fiction, nude photography, etc).
Using the subset of Sex Bloggers: If all the sex bloggers were in one room, I suppose the general overall feeling might lend itself to a sense of comeraderie and acceptance of one another, regardless of kinks and quirks. In that way, I can see the Swing Club comparison. Sort of. (Note to Self: Write a post about your experiences with swing clubs.)
But as for having previously established a one-one-one pattern of interaction with a specific person via the internet, and then being influenced by their personal appearance at a later date… ??? Perhaps you can clarify? It’s entirely possible that I’m thinking about a scenario like this, and you mean something else entirely.
I didn’t read the “this “reference yet. I didn’t want to confuse myself. My reference to swing clubs in the context of an online relationship meeting AFTER establishing a strictly corresponding relationship( no visuals) was only about the sexual experience of a stranger. I imagine, walking into a swing club, you “know” some intimate information just by walking into this “unique and private” group of adults that you may have sex with. Meeting an internet connection that you “know” and shared some intimate information with, is to me similar. (I did read your experience with the ?dildo bull riding at a club)
LMAO at “dildo bull riding”. That’s certainly one way to put it! Lol.
My ‘note to self’ was more about posting answers to some commonly asked questions from readers about what swing clubs are like, in terms of layout and activities and etiquette, etc.
Thank you for clarifying the comparison. It makes more sense to me now.
I was focusing on the “attraction” part of the original question.
Sorry, my train of thought sort of derailed on the swing thing. Let’s go back to the candy analogy, shall we?
So in re-reading this thread, this is what I’ve gleaned so far (and please correct me if I’ve misinterpreted something):
1. Lack of physical appearance (no photo, etc) is NOT an inhibitor to online relationships, as the freedom to just “be” is easier when there is not fear of judgment about one’s appearance. The focus is, therefore, on what’s inside the person with whom you are establishing a relationship. That person and the burgeoning relationship between the two of you. THAT is the chocolate.
2. As long as an attraction has been established, and a rapport has been built, appearance doesn’t matter too much once it’s finally revealed. Especially in terms of age. Age and looks are the wrapping on the chocolate.
3. When the online relationship becomes face-to-face and skin-to-skin… When you finally meet in person… What happens to the chemistry? Does it intensify or fizzle? Does the chocolate that seemed so sinfully delicious and creamy smooth actually taste that way in real life? Is it beyond your sweetest expectations? Or is it grainy? Perhaps you were expecting milky, and you realize upon tasting that it is dark. Or is there a surprise filling? Cherries? Caramel? (Insert advertisement here: Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t…)
It is on point #3 that our thoughts went in separate directions, I think.
Please, continue.
I’m enjoying our conversation. 🙂
yes, thats where my head is and sooo, I imagine that the wrapping in an online relationship can be diminished if “normally” it would have hit you as unattractive. The swingers club version of this analogy, the “unattractive” wrapping might be diminished by your own mutual desire for the experience. That is only how I think my mind bridges the gap to engaging in online sexual experiences -IF I WERE to see my online other and NOT be attracted. Have you ever had sex with someone you weren’t attracted to in a swingers club BECAUSE of your desire for the experience and that person was the one creating your opportunity for what you desired ( and they were nice but not so attractive )?
Have you ever had sex with someone you weren’t attracted to in a swingers club BECAUSE of your desire for the experience and that person was the one creating your opportunity for what you desired ( and they were nice but not so attractive )?
EXCELLENT QUESTION!
And the short answer is “No.”
The only person I have sex with (i.e., participate in penetrative intercourse with) at the club is my husband. Largely because the people there are, essentially, a bunch of strangers. And I don’t have sex with strangers. I’ll have sex in front of strangers though. Lol. And I’ll watch them. And I’ll listen to them fucking each other. But personally, the in-club experience is more about sexual freedom (in a mostly exhibitionistic kind of way) than it is about skin-to-skin interactions with other people.
Most of our swing experiences have taken place in private settings (i.e., people’s homes), and only after we’ve developed a friendship. And in those situations, we have experienced uneven levels of attraction. For example: One couple was particularly attracted to me, but I felt pretty ‘meh’ about them. The female half of that couple was enthralled with the Smotch, and he really liked her as well. The guy… Yeah, he did nothing for me. So we ended up having same-room sex with them (Smotch fucked Feve; other guy fucked other woman), and I helped Smotchy give the other woman an orgasm (we sort of tag-teamed her), and that was that.
I’m wildly independent, but I’m also extremely attuned to my husband, and we *both* refuse to do anything we don’t really want to do, just because it’s available.
The whole ‘I’m not attracted to Person X, but they are attracted to Me’ thing is delicate. Coming to a mutual agreement about what we will and will not do, without hurting anyone’s feelings in the process, is a difficult dance indeed.
That last comment on the delicate and difficult dance is what I see as a “wrapping” that makes that activity un- attractive. If I have to think -process too much, my Vjayjay closes down, and I guess I would have to be an exhibitionist or want to play in the setting. I guess the swinger thing is something that changes as you get more attuned to the situation. It sounds exciting though. Playing with your partner in that setting is as far as I think I could go too.
Playing with one’s own regular partner (spouse or S.O.) is very much the norm, from what I’ve experienced, inside a club setting. There are people who are “hard core” swingers, who participate in full swap (partner swapping with full penetrative intercourse), knowing virtually nothing about the other couple. And there are people who don’t interact with anyone at all, preferring to stay to themselves and just watch. And there are all manner of interactions along the spectrum in between. It’s definitely a unique environment.
I get what you’re saying about ‘thinking too much’, which is why we prefer to play in private settings. And we never play at a first meet. We meet someone, we have dinner (or coffee or drinks or go dancing) with them, get to know them a little bit, talk, flirt, laugh, and generally enjoy ourselves. Then we go home. At that point, Smotch and I talk about who and what we did or did not like. We discuss possible scenarios. We ask each other questions. We let any attraction we felt during our ‘get-to-know-you’ date just sort of… Simmer. Then, a couple days later, we talk some more, and we make a plan. Do we want to invite them out again? Do we want to invite them over? What are we interested in? What might they be interested in? And all the while, there are typically emails or texts or other forms of ‘light’ communication(s) happening with the other couple, which can be used as a platform for establishing guidelines. And we just take it from there, sort of rolling with the punches as we go.
Does that make sense?
And you can’t do all of that in three hours at a swing party.
I understand – you’re smart!
Or something. Lol.
Happy birthday Mrs Fever. I really enjoy reading you, though I’m only new here. I think you’re wonderful! x
Thank you. And thank you. And welcome! And thank you. 😀
Lol!*grin-grin-grin-grin*
It seems like I’ve been slinging my crap about the first three an awful lot – to the point of self-consciousness, wondering if I’m talking in circles. Thus, I’ll shut up about those. For now… 😉
In typical Dave-fashion, I’ll jump to a few cherry-picked questions:
Very minimally. The way I see it, people will age and change and those that are comfortable with themselves will show it. That’s what is attractive to me. The intellectual and emotional… energy… being the key. And, perhaps, the increased opportunity or requirement for compersion.
I’m not… sure? You can avoid putting yourself in the situation where feelings develop, by removing your willingness to develop an emotional level like that. Or even contact that would have that grow. But that doesn’t mean you can choose; you can simply limit the factors to allow that option. Making a deliberate choice… “I’m gonna fall in love” doesn’t seem possible… does it?
I have *no* clue; my personal experience is so varied that it’s not even a helpful touchpoint. 😀
None at all, though I view money as a lesser need (beyond the base needs of Maslow). If anything, I can see more money being a detriment to sex. In some ways, perhaps, creating a choice paralysis situation.
Huh. I’ve never thought about it, really. Perhaps it has, because my nature is to buck the system when it doesn’t make sense to me. Exploring new things that aren’t socially “standard” at times. As far as some buried desire for increased authority… no, that’s never been some sexual emulation latent need or desire. Neither the inverse: to capitulate to authority symbolically.
Cherry… Picking… ??? Lol.
To some degree, I think figuring out mutually-understood meanings for terms like these requires talking in circles. And dancing in squares… And swimming in figure eights… With, possibly, a triple-lutz on ice. Just for good measure. Because not only are (1) our interpretations of each term personally subjective, but also because (2) the connotations (as opposed to the definitions) of each term are going to be different for every individual, based on experience, education, preference, and all the other filtered lenses through which each person views their universe. And our own personal histories influence our overall views as well.
You bring up a good point about compersion being a factor in online relationships. I’ll have to ponder that one for a bit. Compared to experiencing compersion one-on-one… Is it different? More intense? Less emotional? Magnified? And does it make a difference whether or not you know what the other person looks like?
I agree that opening one’s self up to the possibility of deeper connections and/or intentionally seeking those connections is a choice. Therefore, once the choice to be open has been enacted, if “love” happens as a result, that love is, to a point, a choice. I also believe that once the new and fresh NRE feelings have faded, and the endorphin high has worn off, choosing to remain “in love” (and working to keep that love alive) is a choice. The actual falling-on-your-face, ohshitreally? feeling of recognizing love for what it is, when it first happens… That’s… Not so much a choice. Lol. Not for me, anyway.
Thanks for the cherry-picking, Dave. Was it as good for you as it was for me? 😉
Exactly. And, related to experience, they change as we mature. I keep thinking back to when I was young and innocent (yes, there was a time I was like that – believe it or not :P) when sex was mysterious and new and what seems tame now, seemed wild and perhaps kinky back then.
I think it can be magnified and more intense, and in those cases even more emotional. Because of the nature of the compersion being remote, if it’s actually compersion it can take into account the realities of that distance. At least, that’s how I try to look at it – I’m happy for someone being happy; it doesn’t reflect negatively on me that I am not the one able to provide that happiness and the realities of the situation actually *enhance* that for me. With compersion, for me, it doesn’t mean a damn thing what the other person looks like. Feelings not equating to physicality.
I’m not sure I agree or disagree with that. I can see it in one way – to make the effort or do the work to get past the hump of NRE letdown and growth beyond that. But is it a choice to remain in love? It doesn’t seem really the right way to describe it; the choice being the commitment or effort, not the choice of feeling.
Mmmhhhmmmm. ::braingasm:: 😉
And, related to experience, they change as we mature.
We mature?
…what seems tame now, seemed wild and perhaps kinky back then…
And this is where the whole ‘outside the realm of normal’ part of defining ‘kinky’ comes into play. What each individual considers “normal” varies greatly from person to person, and each person’s perspective/acceptance of what is “normal” changes over time.
Now on my blog, I tag some of my posts under the heading of ‘kink’. Not because *I* think it’s kinky, but because the things I’ve written have previously been labeled by other people of my acquaintance as being “kinky”. There are also members of my bloggy audience who identify themselves as being part of The Kink Community (and who, based their own interpretations of my activities, consider me an honorary member of that community), and under that umbrella heading are all sorts of subsets niche groups: BDSM practicioners, Swingers, etc. So I try to be sensitive to that when tagging my posts.
With compersion, for me, it doesn’t mean a damn thing what the other person looks like. Feelings not equating to physicality.
In my limited experience, I have found that to be true as well. Knowing what someone looks like is not required. Though there is something to be said for being able to paint a clear portrait on the canvas of my imagination when it comes to erotic goings-on… For the feelings part? Appearance doesn’t come into play.
But is it a choice to remain in love? It doesn’t seem really the right way to describe it; the choice being the commitment or effort, not the choice of feeling.
This is a mindset issue for me. Just as I can choose to shut myself off, I can choose to keep myself open. I can choose to take him for granted, or I can choose to show him appreciation. The demonstration of love through action(s) nurtures the feeling(s). For me, if a relationship is to have longevity, there must be effort and feeling. (And each partner must engage in both.) The two are intertwined.
Would you care for another braingasm?
Now this is damn interesting. Self-identification as part of the kink community being a matter of pride? Oddly enough, my INTJ-self *really* digs categorization and applying labels to understand things, yet I’ve never even considered myself a member of the kink community – and have no desire to do so. I’ve got no problem with that community itself; perhaps it’s the difficulty in actually defining… ah ha!… kink.
If I can’t define it to a degree of understanding in myself, how can I really figure out if I’m part of the community or not? Additionally, I suspect that’s why I don’t even *think* of tagging posts with “kink” almost at all. Stepping outside the subjective view when it comes to blog *tagging* really makes sense – the tags are for others to find the post, not for self-reference. Mostly.
The absolute first thing that clicked for me when reading this is… that fits for any type of love, to me, not just romantic love. Although, for some reason, it seems like it’s more difficult (for me?) to flip that switch to the off position for romantic love than other types. I think. Part of it – I believe – is by the time I have an internal identification of “love” I’ve already made those choices consciously or not. Sounds kinda counter-intuitive or non-standard, but I dunno… I suspect it’s a slow rise/fall for many, rather than a “defining moment” kind of thing.
Since you didn’t seem to pick up on it the first time I answered…
Yes. Please.
😉
I picked up on your “Yes, please.” But I don’t give multiple braingasms that aren’t reciprocated. 😛 I was waiting for you to “give me head”. Again. 😉
Labels, for some, are something to be proud of. A badge of honor, so to speak. Something that says, “Yes, I am one of you! I am not alone!”
For others, labels are like the obnoxious name badges one wears at a conference: misprinted sticky things that peel off easily and leave behind an unpleasant residue.
Personally, labels are something I avoid. But I understand their usefulness to those for whom categorization is critical. So when it comes to tagging my blog entries, I try to think outside of myself, and look at the content through more than just my own eyes.
Now this is damn interesting, you say.
Of course it is. Because *I* am damned interesting. Lol.
I suspect it’s a slow rise/fall for many, rather than a “defining moment” kind of thing.
And that would be a damned interesting topic to explore. I have experienced both. Though my slow rise/fall was more along the lines of a gentle liftoff…then a rapid ascent…and an explosive crash and burn. My “defining moment” love was with Smotchy. I can remember clearly the exact moment I felt a shift inside me. It was the equivalent of an internal earthquake; my mental and emotional tectonic plates rumbled into alignment. There was a brief fuckshitdamn moment, then I looked into his eyes, and I knew everything was going to be all right.
And it has been. It’s been better than all right. It’s been abso-fucking-lutely amazing.
*
This mushy moment has been brought to you by Nick and Nora Charles, and by the letter A. For Awwwwwww…
Check your box.
(Yes, of course that was deliberate. :P)
Check your own. A package has arrived. 😉
Happy Birthday late!! Sorry I am late to the conversation but you will have that….2 days in my countdown….Hee ha ha hee….ok no idea where that came from!!??
* Sexual communication within your relationship(s)?
This can be a tough one but an important one…For me in my relationship (which today feels negative, because my man is a butthead the last week or so, but we all have our days/weeks) I am a talker, but to get him to talk is really hard…I try and will continue to try, I feel he himself does not know what he wants..therefore it makes him unable to answer my questions. a simple question of what kind of porn do you like, he can not answer, his answers is one he has not already seen….ok which leaves me to do all the foot work…he does not complain about what porn i choose so this is good…but it is like this in all areas of our sex life…..
**Social mores where sex is concerned?
I am so glad to see this fading away, but as i grew up and I know my moms generation was bad about this, if you are a women and you do not have a man something ‘must be wrong with you’ attitude..We women were defined by our having a man, did not matter if the man was an asshole, you were nothing without a man..Thank God my girls do not have that bullshit attitude….
Gender roles?
*** What are your thoughts on gender roles within a sexual dynamic?
I have to think about this one…..
**** Given the opportunity to swap genders temporarily, would you?
Yes i would like to have a penis for a day or two…
***** If you answered yes to the above question: Why?
To understand them better, to see what it is like to have a penis and having balls that are always in need of adjusting….Having balls dangling between my legs would be an experience….I love being a female, I would only want to check it out for a minute or two…
****** How much does a person’s appearance (or lack thereof ~ i.e., anonymity) play a part in your online sexual experiences? {That one is from the Mister, who occasionally sneaks peeks at my blog in supersecretspystealth mode (typically on Wednesdays) and is totally random about playing along at home.}
I have not played any online stuff.
Additionally:
*** Can you/do you *choose* to fall in love? Explain.
I think you choose to fall in love, you may think you are falling in love with someone, but unless you put the work into it it is not love, it is lust..love is work, lust is a feeling we get without any work….
****** What is the average amount of time it takes to orgasm?
My first one takes the longest after that it can be seconds between them….
***** Sex and Money. How do you view the relationship(s) between the two?
sex and money have and will go hand in hand always….if you have the money you will always be able to buy sex…
****** What is your experience with sex toys?
I have a lot of experience with sex toys……love them, have them, want more, don’t need more just want more!! they make sex fun…..for both people..I have a sex machine my man made for me…I love it….
***** How has your family construct and/or the sex culture in which you grew up influenced your sexual choices over time?
My mother was the loudest person I know when having sex….holy shit the woman was loud…she made me think that sex was great…don’t get me wrong sex is great, but i miss the step of learning what makes me happy, masturbating and that caused a lot of unsatisfied sex for too many years.. I was taught that masturbating was wrong and have learned and believe it is not wrong…it is where all girls should start when exploring sex…Boys do they start masturbating at a young age, so should girls…..
Your countdown is almost complete! Yay! Two more days!!!! 😀
I understand what you mean about your partner not being able/willing to answer what, to you, seems like a simple question. I’ve learned, with my darling Smotchy, that often the questions I think are ‘simple’ are things that can be mental/emotional angsty entanglements for him to answer. There are often past experiences he’s drawing from that have impacted him negatively, about which I have no clue. (Or maybe it’s because I’m thinking about sex and he’s thinking about alligator wrestling. So it takes him a while to switch gears…? Lol.) So sometimes, instead of asking a question, I will make a statement. “I think…” Followed by, “What do you think?” It gives him a starting point, and once he’s engaged in his own thinking process, the conversation moves along from there.
Your comments about women being defined by the men they are with (or not with) brings up an interesting perspective about power. It is only recently that being a single woman has been viewed as a *chosen* position, and there is power in choice. Yet, are those old attitudes truly gone? Or are they more subtle? Looking back on my own life… It seems to me that during my single years, people were very much concerned with the “Are you seeing anyone?” question. Why? What’s wrong with NOT seeing anyone? Or with seeing a series of someones, *without* the end goal of Finding Mister Right? Hmmm…
I agree with you about love requiring effort. It cannot sustain itself on air alone. It must be fed and nurtured in order to grow.
….if you have the money you will always be able to buy sex… I agree. And the buying and selling of sex, particularly when viewed in terms of power, is a fascinating and frightening topic for exploration: prostitution, human trafficking, slavery, the historical keeping of mistresses, extramarital affairs… The list goes on. From the child sex houses in Macau to the “hushing up” of sex scandals amongst the rich and famous… Sex and money have been entwined throughout history, in every culture, and in every nation. The range and scope of the $SEX$ conversation is fathomless.
And then there is the whole sex toy industry… I’m betting you’d make a great salesperson! 😉 (So would Monkey. I suggested he start his own business. Lol.)
Thanks for sharing your perspectives, Sarah. And for the birthday wishes. 😀
Thank You…I always enjoy answering questions, gives me a chance to put my two cents in…LOL
A belated Happy Birthday! As always you have some good questions and some good replies. I’m 51 and it’s interesting to note the changes from when I was a teen/young adult to now. The single biggest difference is the ease of communication. I used to get swingers magazines in those dark days before the internet. It was more of a challenge to meet or meat like minded people. The cryptic ads could only provide just so much info. In the 90’s the BBSes started getting popular and it got a LOT easier to meet people. There always was the possibility that they weren’t using photos of themselves or the photos could be several years old. Mine here are about 30 years old, but I don’t hide that. Physical appearance is not one of my main concerns. I can think of a blogger at the other place who is so picky about physical traits that I doubt that he could ever find someone who met his desires about appearance and also would be interested in a connection.
I share one of Sarah’s frustrations. I’m very introspective and think everything to death, my wife doesn’t like to think about things, and I am often left trying to figure out why she likes this but doesn’t like that. In terms of porn she gets turned on by vocal actors and actresses. It took me awhile to figure that out. It also highlighted one problem for reality. I’m not vocal. I think it comes from my childhood. My parents were vocal and when I got old enough to figure out what they were doing, I didn’t like hearing it. I think that pushed me in the other direction. When it comes to porn I can watch it on mute and it doesn’t bother me in the least.
One of the first things that really attracted me to my wife was her attitude about sex. She was the least jealous woman I had ever met. In the intervening years I have met other non-jealous types but they are in the minority. I’m not the jealous type either. I hear people talk about their spouses as if they own them. I don’t feel that way. I’m not owned and I don’t own anybody else. There are some I trust and many that I don’t trust. I do value discretion. She isn’t always as discrete as I would like, and it tends to generate more friction from her relatives. My relatives, and me too for that matter, have the philosophy that if I’m not involved and not forced to watch then it’s none of my business. Her family is more judgemental.
The ease of having conversations like this is the best thing about technology. In the old days finding people to talk to was not easy. It was possible in large cities and to a certain extent in college towns. But even then it was not easy. I think we’re seeing more openness politically because of more openness on social networks. On Facebook a high school friend of mine was commenting about hate being directed at gays. He made the comment, “How can you hate someone for something that isn’t a choice.” I replied, it often happens that way. You don’t pick what race you’re going to be and that doesn’t stop racism. Hatred is a learned behavior. Sorry, don’t mean to get political. Sex is much more fun than politics.
I always suspected Velma was a tiger under all those clothes. The actress in the movies was pretty hot too. Cartoon tits always defy gravity. Why aren’t there any sex vids from space? Boobs that stick up with out silicone, cumshots that fly the length of the spacecraft, could be an explosive decoupling if the guy shoots when she squirts. Uh, Houston, we have a problem, all the buttons are sticky. And ground control’s reply, “What’s all that stuff floating around?”
Wild
You make an excellent point about the ease of communication via the interwebs, Wild. Though I have no idea what a BBS is…
Both you and Sarah have brought up the topic of porn during the course of this conversation. Her question for her S.O. was, “What kind of porn do you like?” If I had to answer that question, I’d be hard-pressed to do so. I rarely watch porn. There’s an unfortunate inter-relationship between sex and drugs in the porn industry, and that saddens me. Also, the majority of videos I’ve seen feature fake boobs and fake orgasms, neither of which hold any appeal for me. The last time my husband and I rented a porno (which we only do about every 18 months or so), we both fell asleep half way through the movie. In real life, I’m a voyeur (though I prefer listening to watching ~ opposite of you, I dig aural sex), but when it comes to watching on film… Bleh.
I’m with you on the You Don’t Own Me thing. However, part of being an adult ~ and being in a respectful relationship ~ is acknowledging that our partner(s) are impacted by the choices we make as individuals. So I’m very careful to include Smotchy in the general goings-on, and if/when things progress to a new level with a new person, the two of us talk about it extensively. I’m fortunate to have a spouse who not only talks to me, but listens to me as well. Communication is key for any relationship to work, but especially for the polyswing crowd, I think.
And thank you for the birthday wishes. 🙂
What are your thoughts on intimacy?
I think that a lot of people really don’t understand what the word really means or they just look at one aspect of it – it’s just not about being in a relationship or sex. Intimacy has many levels of depth and it’s being able to understand and recognize this that matters – then act accordingly.
How do you define ‘kink’?
I don’t although I’m aware of the definition. To me, if you kinda/sorta understand the nature of the beast – us – then the word really doesn’t have any meaning except to scare people into having sex in the prescribed and preferred way – and who wants to do that all the time?
Cheating: What does it mean to you?
It’s just breaking the rules and, as I’ve said, it’s easier to beg forgiveness than to ask permission when your needs, physical or otherwise, are not being met. When people in a relationship fail to change and adjust, you can bet your ass that cheating – or the termination of the relationship – is on the horizon. The question becomes one of what are you (generally speaking) willing to do to keep your partner – or yourself – from cheating? The truth is most people aren’t willing to do anything – it’s easier to dissolve the relationship rather than compromising one’s tightly held beliefs… even if some of them are in error or based on faulty logic.
The question becomes one of what are you (generally speaking) willing to do to keep your partner – or yourself – from cheating?
My husband and I intentionally deleted any form of ‘excluding all others’ type language from our wedding vows (which we wrote ourselves), because there have been ‘others’ ~ in one form or another ~ from the get-go. And neither of us wanted to commit to something that made no sense to our relationship dynamics. So rather than ‘preventing cheating’, we instead addressed the question ‘What does fidelity mean to you?’, and we had that discussion early and often in the development of our relationship. So we were sort of proactive in regards to preventative maintenance. If that makes sense.
Well, there you have it; you and your husband did something about that while most people wouldn’t. They’d rather let the relationship die first.
And it did make sense.
Gender roles…
Would I change roles temporarily- yes!
I think I’m wired like a man in the way I think sexually.
One of my fantasies is to use a strap on- not necessarily on a man, it could be a female, but I think the power of “pounding” with a penis is something I want to experience.
As far as experimenting with them in the bedroom – while I think like a penis head quite often with my sexual appetite and such…
I enjoy flipping dominance. I like to take control, tease and “say when” penetration can occur.
On the flip side of that, for a guy to stop throw me down or push me against a wall, car, whatever and have his way with me is just hott!
Apparently I’m greedy and I want it all!
I used to have a strap-on. Currently, I have a Feeldoe ~ specifically, a Realdoe ~ on my Wish List. 😀
As for “thinking like a man” sexually… There are *stereotypical* behaviors associated with male attitudes when it comes to sex, and there *traditional roles* males tend to take on during sexual interactions, but there is such a huge variance in both arenas, that your statement is a bit difficult to interpret. So, to clarify:
I know when *I* say, “I think like a man,” what I mean is…
I compartmentalize. I can separate sexual activity from emotional expectations. I’m not ‘needy’ in a kissy-touchy-feely-cuddleme kind of way. I go for what I want. I communicate my wants/needs/desires boldly. I don’t wait around for the other person to make a move; I go after what I want.
That list is by no means all-inclusive, but it’s a place to start.
So that’s what *I* mean when I say, “I think like a man, sexually.”
So I’m curious: What, exactly, do *you* mean by that?
Something along the same lines –
I meant if I see something that stimulates me in a sexual way I don’t take on the traditional southern (I’m a Nola gal) female attitude or way of thinking, like he should approach me.
If I want it I say it, act on it.
As you said I too am not afraid to communicate my wants or needs and when it comes to sex it’s sex… I think great sex is even better when you have a connection with someone but as you put it “cuddle me” or emotion is not necessary or expected.
Thank you for clarifying. And you bring up another interesting topic concerning gender roles: Regional Attitudes.
I could go on for days about sexual suppression in southern women because “ladies don’t do those sorts of things”.
Bleck!
Ha.
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Only going to do one of these.
How do I define kink? In a word, voyeurism. I like to find ways for people to see me naked, just this morning I got in the shower in my hotel right before the housekeeper walked in and left the curtain open so she would be sure to see me.
Was actually stroking my hard cock when she walked in and hoped she would stay to watch me finish.
Kinky enough for ya?
http://thisismyoutsidevoice.wordpress.com/2013/04/17/warning-18/
Voyeurism… Or exhibitionism?
Do you kink harder to *doing* the watching… Or to *being* watched? Based on your linked post (and the modeling poses I saw before), my guess would be the latter, rather than the former. But the two often go hand in hand. So… ??? Would you care to share some more?
(And again: Beautiful photo! 🙂 )
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