Sexy

      9 Comments on Sexy

What does ‘sexy’ mean?

It’s a word that gets thrown around a lot. A person may be described (or self-describe) as ‘sexy’ and an item of clothing might be ‘sexy’. I think intelligence is sexy; my husband thinks sweaty Feve is sexy. Someone who’s super into music hears a new tune and dubs it ‘sexy’. A collector purchases an amazing antique one-of-a-kind thingamajig that will perfectly round out their collection of whatsamabobs, and says, “Ooooh, that’s sexy.”

But…

What does it mean?

According to the for-the-masses Google definition (above), ‘sexy’ means:

  1. sexually attractive or interesting
  2. sexually aroused
  3. exciting or appealing

And, y’know…

That just doesn’t work for me. *laugh*

Because, context. And individuality. And attraction (or lack thereof) and Is it 117 degrees? Then no fucking way and there is always ALWAYS the issue of whether or not I might be hangry.

But to break this down — and there’s your exit, folks; if this kind of thing does not appeal to you then run away now, while you still can! *laugh* — I cannot utilize this definition in a way that suits me.

BECAUSE, to start with:

  1. sexually attractive or interesting
    • attractive to who?
    • interesting in what way?

I am not an externally-motivated person. (Which probably explains a lot of things.) I grew up knowing what approval and disapproval meant, and what the consequences of each judgment were, but I did not make my decisions based on those things. Good decisions, bad decisions, mediocre decisions… I’ve made them all (and borne the consequences) but always with my radar attuned to my internal compass. Looking for someone to say, “Good job!” or “I agree with you” was not something I did. Likewise, looking for someone to tell me, “You look pretty” or “I like your hair” was not something I sought.

And I think that translates to this ‘sexy’ business.

Because, as an adjective, the definition of attractive or interesting implies that it is being found attractive or interesting — by another person — that makes ‘sexy’… Well, sexy.

And primarily, it’s the ‘other person thinks so’ part of this that really REALLY doesn’t work for me.

But it’s also the whole blanket-statement feel of the definition that doesn’t work.

For example, in terms of what *I* find sexually attractive or interesting: Let’s take a physical characteristic. In the general sense, do I find skinny-ness attractive? No. But if I am attracted to a person, then I am attracted to that person’s body; if their body is slender, I’m going to be attracted to it because it is what houses Who They Are. Likewise, other exterior ‘attractions’ — dimples, freckles, wrinkles, etc. Do I like those things, generally speaking? Not particularly. Do I dislike them? No. I don’t have strong feelings about them either way. But if those traits come attached to a person, and I like/dislike that person, I am likely to like/dislike that trait as pertains to that person.

Is a smile sexy? It can be. But it can also be cruel, cunning, mischievous, sardonic, teasing, or vague.

Are swimsuits sexy? They might be. Depending on what (and who) they cover up and reveal and whether I am interested in that skin or in the person housed within it.

What about the second definition?

Sexually Aroused

This makes slightly better sense to me.

And yet it doesn’t.

Because — as I commented on a post I read recentlyfeeling sexy and wanting sex are vastly different things.

Like, I know *that much* about what ‘sexy’ means to me.

Desiring sex, feeling aroused… Do I ‘feel sexy’ during those times? Ehhh…

I don’t know?

Like, I approach sex as something that’s both fun and functional (or dysfunctional — hello, menopause); if I want it, I do something about it. I don’t stand around thinking, “Oh my… My libido just woke up… Don’t I feel SEXY!”

Maybe the buzz is ‘feeling sexy’. That body-on-alert thing that happens when it’s charged with sexual energy, y’know? If that’s the case, though, then during all my years of dealing with PCOS-fueled testosterone-driven high libido should have somehow equated to “I feel sexy.” But mostly it just felt like I was constantly flushed/overheated and… I dunno… always ready(?)… but it wasn’t a seeking. It was more like a biological fact. I wasn’t in a state of seeking out sex (though to be fair, sex was always available to me during that time despite the fact that my husband’s libido and mine did not exactly match; perhaps that’s why it never came to that), I was just in a state. *laugh*

A n y w a y

In terms of ‘feeling sexy’ equating to ‘sexually aroused’, I think there have been times when I am energized in a certain way because of the sexual activity I’m participating in (or anticipating) and *that* buzz… that energy, that awareness… it has a heady effect sometimes. The anticipation more than the participation, honestly. Because for me, being the one who so often is orchestrating things — and therefore maintaining vigilant attention in ways that can distract from my own pleasure — comes with a level of Can’t Relax that does not induce feeling sexy.

But the lead up? Getting inside someone’s head, feeling that oomph when they figure out how, with words, to press my buttons… Yes, I think that has an element of feeling sexy to it.

But again, it’s person-specific.

(And honestly, there are no specific persons right now who are cranking my thermostat. It’s set to Igloo.)

And it’s definitely relationship-specific.

Like… Sometimes, because of the structure of a relationship and the give/take where sexual energy is concerned, little things like nicknames become Very Big Things. In past relationships there have been pet names that, when spoken just so, have put me into and instantaneous state of I WANT YOU. But if someone else was to use that term of endearment toward me, I wouldn’t bat an eyelash.

SO

Sexually Aroused = Sexy?

In that instance, yes.

And what about other instances?

Which begs the question: If something causes you to become aroused, is that thing ‘sexy’?

And this could be anything, right? Like, with the terms-of-endearment example above, I’d say YES. But there are other things that are ‘maybe’ and probably a few hard NOs.

I have a thing for texture, for example. Softness is a big deal to me. Satin/slink is not. So if I’m clothed in something that feels soft against my skin — pajamas or loose T-shirts or swishy sundresses made of cotton or tencel — then I tend to lean into the Mmmm of that feeling, which sometimes leads to a bit of feeling Mmmm…

Like so.

If that makes sense.

But are those things — PJs, T-shirts, sundresses — ‘sexy’ in and of themselves?

Maybe?

Maybe not.

And what about other things that make you feel sexy?

Eating oysters is supposed to get your motor revving, I hear.

Is eating oysters ‘sexy’?

*laugh*

Okay, enough already.

But seriously: What is sexy?

‘Feeling sexy’ is a Good Thing, I think. But hell if I know what it means.

I’d be curious to know how you define it (if you do).

© Mrs Fever – Temperature’s Rising

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9 thoughts on “Sexy

  1. missy

    I really enjoyed reading this and there was so much logic and sense to your line of thought. That said, I do feel sexy sometimes although I am not sure having read your piece I can put together a good explanation of what that actually means. It is a feeling which is hard to pinpoint and explain in words. It isn’t just about wanting sex but more about some thing that comes from inside. There is usually a sense of seeing what others might see and feeling good with that. I suppose the rest of the time I definitely don’t see myself this way so it stands out. There is a carefree abandon which allows me to be more active or something too. Anyway I am getting nowhere fast here so will draw to a close. Great post though and you have me turning in circles. Missy x

    Reply
    1. Mrs Fever Post author

      It’s difficult to define!

      I like the concept of “carefree abandon” as a descriptor for ‘feeling sexy’. I can definitely relate to that! 🙂

      Reply
  2. KDPierre

    When dissecting a word, particularly a subjective adjective like “sexy”…..or “pretty”, or “funny”, or “delicious”…..one could apply similar arguments that, while personally revealing and honest, don’t offer an alternative. A single word is merely one tiny tool in an imperfect language geared towards communication among a multitude of different-thinking humans.

    For the sake of language, I see no problem with the listed definitions of “sexy”. Overall they seem fairly accurate to how most people (and let’s face it, the usage of regular people who are currently alive, is what sets the parameters of definitions and language. You know, the whole: “Language is a living thing” argument.) But as such I see no problem with you stating your problems with those definitions. You are you, The word is a word. It’s like having some personal quirk that leads one to preferring a hand wrench to a socket wrench. Others might prefer the opposite, but it’s just a matter of which tool in a vast toolbox that you more comfortable using.

    The other thing is……………..well………..it’s an English word, and prone to imprecision. When you describe your view of sexy, I think perhaps if we were German there would be a composite word describing your person-driven concept of sexiness ( attractivebecauseitisyouness ?)

    For me “sexy” is a word that makes me laugh for similar reasons that it seems incomplete or inaccurate to you. Similar…..but not the same. It’s just that very few things strike me the same way they do others…..’sexiness’ a few significant notches down in the top tier. Yet I do accept the definition and if asked could provide an answer of what I find sexy….and by “sexy”, to me is something….a trait, a look, a notion, that triggers not merely admiration, or acknowledgement, but some aspect that tickles the groin……even if the stimulation was to the brain. And maybe that’s how I would define sexiness: “a pleasantly teasing tickling of the brain, eyes, ears, nose, and mouth that you feel in your crotch.”

    On another point, I envy your trait of not being externally motivated. I am a lamentable combination, initially internally motivated, but then way too needy of external reinforcement once the ‘thing’ has been done. With me though, it’s not really about getting a compliment (because I am not truly comfortable with compliments and some even trigger distrust …..”why are you complimenting me? What do you WANT?” ) but getting some sort of interaction. It can be negative. It can be critical. But for whatever reason, any accomplishment, even one I objectively know is worthy, seems hollow without a sense of having shared it. I can tell you, you are better off as you are, because such an outlook leads to perpetual disappointment.

    Reply
    1. Mrs Fever Post author

      My husband is highly affected by external dis/approval and has a similar aversion to compliments, so I get this; you describe it very well.

      I like your caveat for ‘sexy’ — “in a way that tickles the crotch” — because it captures the essence less vaguely. As you say: it’s an English word. Our linguistic (non)descriptors say much about the culture they originate from, yes? As well as show where our focus lies. One need only look at how many words the Inuit have for ‘snow’. 🙂

      Reply
      1. KDPierre

        I do believe that language develops with the priorities of a society. Your example of Inuit “snow terms” actually came to mind when I brought up how Germans string a bunch of words together to form a more refined description. Another is the ancient Greeks and their “love” differentiations. The Inuit NEED to know about snow, their world is snow. The Ancient Greeks were about thought and philosophy. We are a basic society for all of our technology and advancements, focused on easy, immediate gratification. Most of the people I know really don’t like to think too much. Vocabularies today are abysmal as texting supplants the well-crafted letter. Our language reflects who we are, or at least what we find important enough to warrant description beyond the vaguest.

        I did realize upon reading your reply, and then re-reading my comment, that I not only made several errors in the post, but neglected to answer your question: What is “feeling sexy”? For me it’s a level of confidence that extends past merely feeling, clean, attractive, competent, or entertaining, and into the realm of feeling that whatever I am putting on display……not much different than some bird doing a mating ritual…….is WORKING or seems to be working. Putting out a vibe that I know I can succeed is “confidence”, but putting out that vibe and getting signals back that it’s working, thus feeding more confidence is “feeling sexy”.
        KDPierre recently posted…Bells of St. Mary’sMy Profile

        Reply
        1. Mrs Fever Post author

          I am with you on ‘signals’ — there is a reciprocity of some kind, at least for me, when it comes to “feeling sexy.” Like a groin-tingly hi-five… Or something. *laugh*

          Reply
  3. Marie Rebelle

    Very interesting post, Feve, and like Missy, I do feel sexy at times, but to explain what it is to feel sexy, even at that moment… that’s something entirely different. Also, I can feel sexy in a dress one time, and the next time the sexy feeling is just not there. Indeed, what is sexy?!
    ~ Marie xox

    Reply
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