The subject of fantasies (and their applicability – if any – to reality) came up in the comments section on my last post, and I’ve been mulling over the concept(s) a bit more these past couple days. I find I am curious to hear others’ thoughts on the matter.
One of my long-time readers, who is a good friend, commented, in part:
In the case of my wife and I, our fantasies are fundamentally different from each other but still compatible. We both like porn. She likes to fantasize about individuals. I like to fantasize about activities. She likes particular actors and doesn’t care as much about exactly what they are doing, I really don’t care which actress but want to see XYZ.
I think this is one of the reasons porn is just not interesting to me. I have no interest in the actors, and unless those actors are engaged in a scene that depicts something I am specifically interested in doing with the partner who is watching porn with me, I mostly just feel like, “Meh.”
On the other hand: I totally understand the general concepts expressed about motivation/interest. I’ve mentioned before that fantasies are not really my thing (I have vivid dreams, however – which are generally based on the “specifically interested in” precept set forth above), but if/when I “go there” it is person- and activity-specific. As I said in (partial) response there:
I don’t fantasize much, and my desires/curiosities tend to be very person-specific. I like sex. But *how* I like my sex depends on *who* I’m having sex WITH. I don’t think that’s particularly unusual, but neither is it the norm.
To further expound on my point:
There are things that I have general curiosity about or a vague, undefined interest in. I don’t consider those things to be “fantasies.” If someone taps into those ideas – shares them, expounds on them, says “I want to do/try/be __________ with/for/because-of YOU” – then, for me, *that* is when I get specific in my imaginings. To me though, that’s more of a mental exploration of What Could Be than it is a “fantasy.” Because my arousal from the idea is directly tied to my desire for the individual.
Does that make sense?
And I’m open to hearing just about anything from my friends and lovers about their fantasies. But there is a huge difference between “I think about getting a blow job while I’m masturbating” and “When I stroke my cock, I imagine your mouth on me, the heat and wet, the pressure at the back if your throat driving me to the edge.” The former is generalized and clinical (yawn); the latter is personalized, in a specific and arousing way.
So my friend and his wife watch porn, and manage to like the same things but for different reasons. I have very little interest in porn, but I recognize it as an avenue through which people can “experience” their fantasies. Not being a particularly visual person (at least not in that way), porn does little for me. But both concepts he mentions – being into a person, and being into an activity – register for me. I just like things to be personalized.
As I said in my comment (above), I have general curiosities. Those are not things I actively “feed” or “flesh out” but rather, they are things that I say to myself, “I wonder…”
Occasionally I share my wonderings with someone I trust. How they respond will determine how that curiosity gets explored/shared, and my desire/arousal factor when it comes to That Thing (whatever it may be) often becomes a distinct desire to do a specific thing with a specific person.
On the other hand, I also have ideas/images that pop into my head at random times that take me by surprise. Things I haven’t given conscious thought to.
I will be soaking up the sun’s rays, in a state of drowsy arousal, feeling the heat against my skin, and I’ll get a vision(?), for lack of a better word… States of being, roles, situational subsets, etc. Things that I go “Whoa…” about and then sort of file away to mull over later. Or I will be masturbating and juuuust as I reach the edge, I flash onto a crystal-clear picture in my mind that seems to come from nowhere. I have found that, for me, these “whoa” moments tend to be directly tied to my limits; sometimes physical limitations apply, but more often these Flashes are related to my/my partner’s psycho-sexual (hard) limits and/or the emotional limits of one/both of us.
Which can be confusing if you let it.
{I don’t let it.}
😉
Do I think about those things when I masturbate? Yes, sometimes. Other times I just let the sensations wash over me. My husband is often dumbfounded, because when he asks me what I’m thinking about when I orgasm, my response – more often than not – is something along the lines of “The colors exploding behind my eyelids.” Also, when I masturbate, I don’t think it’s fantasy-driven. It’s much more of a biological need. When I’m hungry, I eat. When my bladder is full, I pee. When I need to cum, I masturbate.
Is this just a Me thing? I tend to be equal parts intellectual and imaginative, and I wonder sometimes if this not-really-fantasizing is “normal.” I’m not overly concerned about normality, but I’m curious if other people can relate. Or maybe I’m just overthinking it?
Also, there is this:
Fantasy is all mental.
I don’t agree.
I don’t think fantasy is all mental. Fantasies can be imaginative, yes. But we develop fantasies to escape or to explore or to “try on” ideas. Fantasies can be motivated by emotional needs just as much as by physical. Or psychological needs/wants/desires. Adrenaline junkies and danger addicts have very different fantasies than an agoraphobe or a spouse in a sexless marriage. Creating a fantasy that gives you a high as opposed to one that makes you feel “normal” or allows you to feel loved/desired… Very different things, no?
Fantasies come from somewhere. And they speak to a need/want/desire inside a person. Whether that need is psychological, emotional, social, intellectual, physical, spiritual, sexual… It varies. And if I’m going to explore your fantasies with you, or you with me, I think it is important to uncover what’s underneath them. Because that, in my not-so-humble opinion, is the key to turning fantasy into reality.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
What about you?
(How) Do you fantasize?
What are your thoughts on fantasies?
Talk about serendipitic…….two blogs in a row…that could have come straight out of my own keyboard.
I can’t count the arguments Monssieur Notasub and I have had over this topic. He’s never been able to grasp the fact…I don’t have fantasies and on occasion he has taken that part of my nature far too personally. He thinks he’s not doing something right becasue I don’t fantasize.
(My gawd…..the male ego is a fragile thing…….even as it is being male egocentric…..lawdy man!)
He’s even told me it wasn’t normal to not have fantasies.
Hell, I’m cool with that…the last thing I ever want to be considered is “normal.”
I do have “sexy thoughts”…that random thought thing you mentioned….I get that.
More often than not……the random thoughts are about either one of my guys and the thoughts are very precise and tend to be more about location and events then they do the actual act of knocking boots. More often than not……..these random thoughts are born out of something from my past with either one of the guys. I need some kind of an emotional connection to the person…..for any thought to go beyond the “hey that’s hot”~*heads turns to other side*~”oh looks shoes on sale!!”
The “vivid dream thing”…oh hell yes….in fact…it’s those dreams I use as fodder to write the porn fluff stories I write for both guys. I can’t just conjure up something sexy…..without a dream forming the landscape first.
Porn does nothing for me…….I’ve always written this off to the fact I’m not much of a voyeur.
By voyeur…
I mean I don’t “watch” a much of anything….TV, movies and such.
I do watch some things, but I am very picky and it has to be something that is going to keep me engaged with plot twists and turns. I’d much rather have my nose stuck in a book…and the books are going to be of a nature that isn’t going to need sex as part of the plot. I don’t do bodice rippers—-chick type stuff—- of any kind. “Chick stuff” tends to annoy the hell out of me. I swear the next girlfriend that offers me her copy of Fifty Shades….I’m gonna take it and set it on fire right there in front of her!
But…I digress……
You wrote:
Because my arousal from the idea is directly tied to my desire for the individual.
Does that make sense?
I’m writing:
OHH HELL YES!
Gawd I hate it when a whole thought doesn’t make it from brain…to my fingers then to the keyboard:
for any thought to go beyond the “hey that’s hot”~*heads turns to other side*~”oh looks shoes on sale!!”
Make the above:
for any thought to go beyond the
“hey that’s hot”
all it takes to lose the
“that’s hot thought”
~*heads turns to other side*~
”oh looks shoes on sale!!”
I followed. 😉
Hmmm… I need some new sandals…
*nodnodnod*
I swear, sometimes you are soooo “on my wavelength” that I think we’re DJ’ing the same mental radio station. 😉
I, too, am a reader. I am VERY picky about what I watch. It is rare that I watch anything at all, let alone porn. Hubs and I used to rent a blue movie now and then (like once a year), but it’s been a looooong time since we last did so; we figure “What’s the point?” because it never fails ~ one or both of us always fall asleep! 😛
Bodice rippers… Yeah, no. I confessed in the comments on Fatal’s “coming out” post that I sometimes read paranormal romances. I don’t mean vampire stuff. I mean stories that rely on world-building and alt-universe imagination. The sex in those books tends to be hot, but it’s not the whole point of the plot. Rhyannon Byrd is really good at that. I also like books that are co-written by a male/female team. It makes for outstanding laughs, and if there’s any sex involved it’s typically realistic and humorous. Jennifer Crusie and Bob Mayer (also known as Brad Thor) are a great team. Don’t Look Down made me snort water out through my nose. And NOT in a 50 Shades of Stupid kind of way. 😉
Anywhoo…
I digress.
(As usual.)
Men’s egos: YES! So fragile! And so often tweaked for reasons that make no sense to me! You know, when I brought the idea of exploring MFM to the Mister, I was SO careful because I was concerned about the whole comparison/not-good-enough/she-doesn’t-want-me/I’m-not-satisfying-her thing that men are so well known for. But nope! He was like, “I’m in!”
YET…
When I’ve brought other ideas to him, things that *should* be no big deal, he’s totally freaked out.
Hmmm…
And they say WOMEN make no sense. Yeah, right.
*muttering to myself*
But getting back to fantasies…
I completely understand where you’re coming from on the “inspiration” thing. All the ‘erotica’ (I use that term loosely) I write on the blog has its basis in reality. I write about real people and real events (past, present, or desired future) because the *connections* are so important.
And shoes! Shoes are important too!
*swiveling my head to the left to check out the foot jewelry*
GRIN.
Yeah, I get it. 😉
All of it. 🙂
We need a new word for “sexy musings”.
I’ve never thought of what you write in the blog about your own sexuality, the pleasure and joy you find IN IT…as “erotica”.
The word “erotica” always means “escapism” to me.
Your sexy musings don’t persuade the reader to escape…..
You, your sexy musings….. bolster the reader to ATTAIN.
And that is all…
(For now….
I am on scat duty…
No……not scat play.
I have recently adopted a creature which looks much like a red Doberman but craps like a Kodiak …..and scat duty means making sure my lawn mower can make it thru the yard without having to worry about scat breaking off a mower blade.)
*passing back*
M.M.R. DJ head set
M.M.R….
Mind Melding Radio….
Can ya dig it??
😉 🙂
Lol @ “scat duty” ~ Our neurotic canine has crossed the Rainbow Bridge, but one of her fetishes was extreme fastidiousness. She would NOT crap in her own yard! So hubby and I shared “scat duty” (otherwise known as “walking the mutt”) every day, rain or shine. And given where we live… Yeah, it was mostly rain. Ugh. I miss a lot of things about having a dog, but I *don’t* miss THAT.
Sexy Musings… Yes, we need a new word. And YES! I take issue with the term ‘erotica’ for the same reason. I want people to relate, not escape. It’s SO nice when people *get* that.
WMMR radio…
I like it! We could be like WKRP, minus Lonnie Anderson. 😉
Now, off to work on a sexy set list… 🙂
Yes I would agree about a difference between sexy musings and fantasies. My definition is a little different. Sexy musings consider possibilities that could happen. Fantasies go beyond one’s limits in a way that is intriguing but is definitely a “Not gonna happen”. Having an orgy in a restaurant is probably a good way to get arrested. It might be fun other than that. Thinking about scratching an itch until it bleeds can be obsessive. One thinks it will feel good. It dwells on one’s mind. Doing it hurts and leads to infections.
I tend to be very voyeuristic. I think that does tend to be a male characteristic, but there are certainly exceptions. I married one. I am less of an exhibitionist though. I do remember going on double dates with another couple, one couple doing things in the back seat, the other couple driving around. The first time the woman driving turned the rear view mirror to make eye contact I just about shot a load because of the eye contact. That was before I met my wife. I was still in the Army.
My wife’s favorite actors were Peter North, TT Boy and Randy Spears. She likes that lean muscled look. It wasn’t about their personalities. It was visual stimulation based on their appearance. Yes, that is shallow. Fantasies don’t have to be deep. I am attracted by almost all somatotypes. Since that is less important to me, I don’t concentrate on which actress. Boobs that are full of milk move differently, therefore I like pregnant and lactating women. Lips and eyes are two of the primary means of nonverbal communication. Eye contact is intense. Porn directors know this. Since most porn is watched by men, the females are told to look at the camera during the action. Lesbians are a common male fantasy. Lesbians kissing is a vital part of lesbian porn directed at men. An interesting little jab to throw at homophobic males is, “Do you like porn? Would you like porn if the guy couldn’t get it up? So you only like seeing guys hard then?”
If you have an orgy in a restaurant don’t have shish kebabs, and watch out for the soup. It’s hot.
“Not gonna happen” as a way to define “fantasy”…
I see what you’re saying.
But what if it DID happen?
You mention lactation. Maybe that’s a fantasy, according to the NGH construct. But what IF…
???
Those ‘flashes’ I mentioned are often NGH type things because, as iterated in the post, they are often tied to limits. But with the right person, under the right circumstances, when the earth tilts juuuust so…
Maybe?
And maybe pigs will sprout wings and take to the sky. I mean, it COULD happen. Right? 😉
Eye contact is HUGE, but only in real life (for me). But that’s because I’m into a *person* as opposed to a practice. If he’s looking AT ME and the look in his eyes is FOR ME and the pleasure he’s feeling is BECAUSE OF ME… Oh hell yes! But a stranger on film, making eyes at a camera because he’s getting paid? Meh.
That’s my “not really visual” quirk. Generally speaking, I’m not visually stimulated. Unless it’s personalized.
Aural stimulation is an entirely different matter. 😀
Yes exactly, what if. The pulse races at the thought. Do I cross that line? Do I *go* there? It gets into the mix of fear apprehension then release, very much like an adrenaline junkie on a thrill ride.
I think one of the reasons the “Rocky Horror Picture Show” has remained popular for so long is that when the audience participation is done right the characters on screen appear to react to what the audience says. There have been scifi stories where people go into the screen or characters come out of the screen. And the RHPS experience is almost like that. An audience participation porno would be, well a trip to a seedy adult theater. But it could still be fun. The thing about doggie style is you can both watch TV.
Sound does nothing for me. My wife gets into it. I could watch the porn on mute and it would be just as good for me. But that is a big part of what she likes. I think in my case I have hangups because of thin walls. Any time I’ve done anything in a motel I’ve always wanted the TV on loud enough to keep anybody from listening. Exhibitionism and shyness have epic battles in my psyche.
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