I took an online quiz this morning, answering the questions as my spouse would. It was for the purpose of determining “what kind of submissive” he was/is.
(Consider that introduction all the warning you’re going to get about the content of this post.)
Normally I roll my eyes and anything so Cosmo-like, but I was genuinely curious as to how he’d “rate” because:
- I am not fond of the term “submissive” or, generally, of men who claim to be (key word: CLAIM).
- I find certain submissive qualities attractive in men, but typically submissiveness is “defined” (by men, about men) in ways that are annoyingly kink-focused, while my interest(s) lie(s) in {1} intent, {2} behavior, and {3} (gasp!) personality.
- I was hoping that someone else out there might share my point of view that “submissiveness” is NOT about SEXSEXSEXSEX, but is, rather, a defining characteristic, and one that most men don’t/can’t/won’t recognize or acknowledge, even if they are the classic poster boy model for such behavior.
So I proceeded.
And you know what?
Somebody out there finally got it right.
The questions given were certainly not the best, and the situations proposed were fairly vague and were open for a bit too much interpretation, and initially, the answer-options were a bit too broadscope (with sex, power, and service being the three general themes), but ignoring all that…
I took the quiz, and when the results came back, I smiled.
Because somebody out there finally got it right.
Honestly, I was expecting to see a “rating” at the conclusion of the quiz along the lines of You are not a real submissive. Go hire a pro domme to flog you until you bleed and come back when you’ve decided you like that sort of thing.
But nope!
The creators of this quiz actually *got it* that there is more to submission than sex and masochism.
NOTE: My husband does not self-identify as a submissive male; labels are a tricky thing, and he has good reasons for disliking that one. I don’t need the term to understand the man. It doesn’t change who he is or how we are together. So if you’re reading this thinking, “I’m not a submissive,” believe me: I get it. But also, if you are involved with me intimately (I said intimately, not sexually – they are not necessarily one and the same) and are reading this, wondering whether or not you are submissive? If you are male, believe me: You are. Even if you are as vanilla as cream soda.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
To give you a bit of an overview:
Does my husband get off on being bossed by bitch women? NOPE.
Does he enjoy pain? No. (Though his pain tolerance is high, and there is the whole spanking thing, so… Kinda?)
Does he believe all women are superior to men? NO. (Seriously, this kind of thinking pisses me right the fuck off.)
Does he go out of his way to make sure I get/have what I want/need? Yes. Always.
Does he make sacrifices for me? YES.
Does he respond positively when I ask him to do something? Yes. (Yes, Ma’am.)
Does he concern himself with my pleasure? Yes, even when that pleasure is not sexual. Perhaps especially then.
See, the thing is, my husband is a sweet and lovely man.
Sure, he can be a handful. He can throw a tantrum and behave like an immature, irrational asshat. He is human, after all. He’s not perfect.
But mostly, he’s quite wonderful.
He does an amazing amount of work around the house without having to be asked, and he does it gladly. He does not grumble or whine, complain or wheedle. He just does what needs to be done.
Do I have to ask him to do things sometimes? Yes.
Do I have to remind him to finish a chore he started? Sure.
But big deal. He sometimes has to remind me to bring my wallet when we go to the store. (Which is actually another sweet and lovely thing, come to think of it. “Don’t forget your __________, hon!” is an oft-repeated phrase when we are headed out the door together. Because how many times have I forgotten to bring the stamped stack of enveloped invoices with me and don’t realize it until I get to the post office drop box? Or I walk out to my car without my keys/hat/sunglasses and have to go back and get them before I can leave?)
He does – and has always done – things to accommodate my needs and desires.
And before you start thinking, “Oooooh–! NOW we’re getting to the sexy stuff!”, uhmmm… THINK AGAIN.
Yes, there is that. Of course there is that. Which is why our relationship is structured the way it is, and why I had an MFM threesome when I wanted one, and why he remembered I’d said I wanted a specific kind of sex toy and gave me one for Christmas.
But there is so much more than that.
There is, and has always been, his attention to my safety. Which is why, when we first met, he took to picking me up from work at night so I wouldn’t have to ride the bus during questionable hours. And why, when we moved into our new house, he argued with me about installing a security system. And why, last weekend, he purchased a chemical-free cleaner and wiped the inside of my windshield clean and streak-free.
There is his respect for my intelligence and my need to continually learn. Which is why, ten years ago, he said “Absolutely!” when I told him I really wanted to step back from working for a while and go back to school. And why, when I said “I’m changing careers” he said “That’s fantastic! What do you need from me?”
There is his trust in my ability to manage finances. Which is why I control the checking accounts and design the budget and pay the bills. I seek input from him, of course. Of course. But the final decisions are mine. And, lest you think that I am some sort of dictatorial money-grubbing byatch, consider this: It was his decision to make it that way. And it’s a decision he’s stood by, even when times are tough. He’s been out of work since August, and it would be a natural reaction for him to start grabbing for control during a time when there is so much that is out of his control. But, no. He asks questions, yes. We are transparent with one another, yes. But the money is still mine to manage. Which takes an amazing amount of trust on his part. In all honesty, I would not be able to function if the situation was reversed. I have a tremendous amount of admiration for him because of that.
There is his trust in my decision-making abilities. Do I screw up? Sure. Does he hold it against me? Nope.
There is his willingness to put me first. And again, I don’t mean that sexually. Though there is that. I come first. (Regardless of whether he comes at all. Heh. 😛 )
He is going back to school. His classes start in a few weeks. A couple days ago, he seemed somewhat troubled by this turn of events, regardless of the fact that he is excited at the prospect. Why? “What about your MA?” was his question. My answer: “Well, I see no reason why I should spend $25,000 on a degree that’s going to earn me $40,000/year. Seems like a waste of money to spend so much on taking a paycut.” (I am a pragmatist.)
But he was concerned that his going to school right now was somehow going to slight me of an opportunity to do so for myself.
See? Me, first.
And really: Me, always.
Because he is a sweet and lovely man.
He is a gentleman.
And that, my friends, is what my cosmo-esque quiz came back with this morning.
He is a gentleman.
Not in a Southern-Boy Manners kind of way.
Does he open doors and pull out my chair at the restaurant and help me into my coat? No. And I don’t need that from him.
And not in a She’s-So-Superior awestruck choirboy kind of way.
Does he put me on a pedestal? No.
Does he put me first? Yes.
He is a gentleman.
And that, to me, is the number one attraction factor in my romantic relationships.
Do I need (or even want) someone kinky (I’ll get into my feelings on kink another time; for now, I’ll just say that for me, it’s not about doing a thing, but rather, it’s about experiencing a specific thing with/to/for/about a specific person) or masochistic or who always bottoms in the bedroom? NO. Sweet baby Jesus… A thousand times NO.
If the person I am with is kinky, or a bottom, or a masochist, that’s okay. If that’s part of Who They Are, I will embrace those facets of their Self (so kindly contain your lecturing). Of course I will. Does he want to bottom? To be denied? To __________? Okay, that’s cool. We’ll do that together. But, to me, all those schmexy things… Put simply: that’s not what submission is about.
Sex is not a cause; it is an effect.
And for me, the sweeter and lovelier the man, the greater the effect.
I could go on. But I think that’s enough for now. So I’ll leave you with this:
I have no idea what’s going on in this photo, or who that man is. All I know is that when I Googled “submissive male” this is one of the photos that came up. And I like it. 🙂
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Accreditation Mumbo Jumbo: Image sources listed where applicable. E-card and swimming lioness pictures found via Google. The $5 bill that says “You are smoking hot” is mine. 😉
“Your love and devotion is fueled by sex, tease, denial and a beautiful woman. You may not be completely submissive but when it comes to a woman who knows how to push your buttons sexually, you will ALWAYS back down and put her needs first. “
Actually, that’s pretty close, so I’m not arguing. Like your hub, I don’t self identify as sub (and neither does Mrs Edge identify as Domme). She reminds me to do things without nagging, and I do the same for her.
I still open doors for her, most of the time. And there’s no MFM in sight, although she’d be more inclined to a FFM. But overall, we like to think of it as being nice to each other.
I – we – are considerate. It’s really hard to put a label on it, you know?
Of course, I’m never cranky or an asshat, so…
I think that’s probably true of a lot of couples. Labels, schmabels. I dislike them immensely, which is why I so rarely write anything that requires their use.
Interesting that Mrs Edge would be more inclined toward an FFM (and I noted the placement of the letters; an FMF is a different configuration, with different parameters). The Mister and I have discussed that option, but have concluded against it. I’ll be very curious to hear if that ever comes to fruition for the two of you.
Now about this never-an-asshat superpower of yours… 😉
Mrs Edge would be more inclined to anything which puts her at the center, so FFM was correct 🙂 Back in our early days we dangled on the edge of trying it out, but it never went anywhere. Ah well…
Now about this never-an-asshat superpower of yours…
Well, perhaps most people wouldn’t agree with me about my assertion, but I stand by it.
I wish I’d gotten one like your husband, a genuine person–when I married, not the Fake Sweet & Lovely bad dream thing that I got, true colors revealed later & a pathological liar.( gone)
You’re a fortunate lady !
So often, people put on masks for each other, and by the time they come off, it’s “too late” – the ‘damage’ (kids, marriage, mortgage, the traditional trappings) path requires much bloodletting to navigate.
I’m glad you got out of your relationship, but I’m sorry you had to first experience the pain of that kind of betrayal.
I am lucky that my spouse and I bring out the best in each other. It’s not always easy, but we’ve learned a lot from past mistakes and work hard not to repeat them with one another.
Thanks for reading!
I found myself nodding the whole time that I was reading this. It always feels like the underlying relationship somehow gets lost in the kink or sex in articles, quizzes or other people’s assumptions.
This is so similar to my relationship with Snake. We discuss things. We take care of each other. Wonderful post.
EXACTLY.
Happy New Year, Mrs. F. – I have to say that I think this is one of my favorite posts of your ever and it just made me smile the whole time I read it. To me, you just described happiness and perfection through any and all flaws, and, at the end of the day, kinks or not, that’s what we all want and need.
Despite his lack of Southerness, he sounds like more than a gentleman in that, simply put, he sounds like a nice, gracious, loving, trusting, and special man and I wish you both nothing but happiness in 2016.
(oh, and I agree with you on the MA. I almost did that myself before thinking about the fact it meant zero to my career now and would cost a ton just to have it.)
Awww… Thank you! 🙂
He actually spent a short time in the south during his developmental years. That might have something to do with it. 😉
As for the MA… I figure I’ll need something to keep me occupied when I retire. So maybe I’ll do it then? Either that, or when it’s free. (Keep your eye on the sky – I heard pigs will be flying by!)
Anywhoo…
Happy New Year to you (two) too! Reflecting on 2015, I have to say: I’m so glad to have ‘met’ you!
I really enjoyed this write– you have expressed so many important ideas here — nicely done!
Thank you. 🙂
MMPI, Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory, it answers all questions or so some would have you believe. Sub or dom, leader or follower, Alpha or Beta, it’s a common way of looking at people. Pity it doesn’t work.
Actually it does have it’s uses, but most people don’t fit an exact pigeonhole. It’s also likely that people with a certain personality trait in non-sexual situations are going to exhibit that trait in sexual situations as well. Cause and effect are not always clear. I consider myself to be a loner. I can lead or follow. Sometimes I prefer not to {to quote Bartleby}.
Alpha and Beta are pack terms, and I have never been fond of packs. They are just herds with a hierarchy, that require displays of violence to maintain or gain power of place. I prefer people who are comfortable enough in themselves that they don’t need to constantly fight with others to know they are powerful.
I think most people can lead. I also think most people will follow. It depends on who else is involved, and where we are trying to go. In relationships, one may take on a role that is partner-specific. I know my husband brings out different traits in me than my ex did. I am still the same Me (and yet I am not – time and experience change things), but I “show” differently against one “backdrop” compared to another. Like I told someone else recently, blue is blue is always blue… But there are shades of blue, yes? And cobalt looks very different next to turquoise than sky blue does next to orange.
Sometimes it’s a matter of foil. {And I’m not doing algebra this early in the morning. :P}
Happy New Year!!! Such a lovely post with so many thoughts that sound familiar. Your writing is a pleasure to read, to absorb and sometimes relish the thoughts. Look forward to hearing more.
What a lovely compliment! Thank you.
Happy New Year!
This was beautifully written. Happy New Year!
Thank you. Same to you! 🙂
A lot here…and I would say agree as close as one can to totally agreeing (is really possible to totally agree with someone? or is it that I just think too much?) I think two of your lines really underpin what you are saying: (1) Sex is not a cause; it is an effect; and (2) I said intimately, not sexually – they are not necessarily one and the same.
Both my spouse and I have agreed that sexually intimacy, which is itself a kind of physical intimacy, is an expression (or effect) of an deeper, more profound intimacy. All it goes along with intellectual intimacy, emotional intimacy, spiritual intimacy….
While I wouldn’t say that the “label” submissive fits me, (and if I am it is more a manifestation of anxiety that leads me to let someone else take charge and, hence, the responsibility; not a very healthy way to interact in any relationship). Yet I had to laugh at the top e-card: We have concluded at times that we are in a lesbian relationship; even though my guy-ness is definitely there. Maybe at times we just a couple of gay men. I don’t know. And I don’t think it really matters that I don’t know. What matters is that the two of continuously seek a richer, more textured intimacy.
Thanks for this post. I’ll have to show it to Ms. Trope.
It is human nature to find likeness in one another; sharing a thought that someone else ‘gets’, or experiencing something others relate to tends to be interpreted as “agreement” – perhaps it is, perhaps it’s not. But commonality is established, yes? And thus the first threads that tie us together have been stitched. 🙂
So regardless of the ‘totality’ (or lack thereof) of your agreement: You can relate. Thank you for that.
I could write volumes on intimacy, and have, in the past, hosted some fascinating discussions on this blog around that very topic. At its heart, intimacy is trust, is it not? And what direction that road may take us is anyone’s guess.
Interesting thoughts on how handing over power as a result of anxiety releases you of responsibility… I think that happens in marriages (“I have to check with the boss” is a phrase that makes me cringe), so thanks for putting that out there. You say that kind of relationship dynamic is unhealthy. To bring it full circle: I totally agree. (But can anyone *actually* “totally agree”? 😉 )
Pondering the notion that intimacy is based on trust, on reflex an initial thought is intimacy is based on a kind of blind trust. This can have a negative connotation, as in blind faith, because it connotes a person will not or cannot see the reality, mindlessly maintaining the trust (or faith). This could be true, but there is at least another kind, one which would have a more positive connotation.
This second kind is a blind trust existing within someone with eyes wide open. Maybe a quick way to describe this is someone who authentically (rather than merely in abstraction) believes in innocent until proven guilty of defendants. This is one of the more difficult facets of our legal system to follow at times (“…he or she has already been judged guilty / innocent in the court of public opinion.”). So this is not a trust in one’s spouse because “he or she could never do something like that”, which can be translated a lot of times as “I could never be in a relationship with someone who did such a heinous crime” or even more strongly “I refuse to believe I could be in such a relationship”.
Rather it is a trust in one’s partner that — given what has been presented, given what one’s own eyes have seen, own ears have heard, acknowledging the nature of perception and memories (eye witnesses can be the weakest part of the evidence against or for someone) with its biases and frailties — he or she is innocent until the evidence emerges to the contrary, all the while embracing the reality that not only could he or she be guilty, but also one’s self could wrong.
This ramble was spurred on (aside from the morning coffee kicking in) from a comment one of my bosses gave me many moons ago during an annual review. She said “You are the most loyal person I have ever worked with.” A key reason this has always stuck in my head is because she leaned forward and added “But I mean that it in a good way.”
In a committed relationship, there are likely aspects of blindness that are actually just our brain’s way of protecting us from pain. We may see, we may not. Either way, we can proceed with blindness.
Trust is not necessarily blind though, nor is it all-encompassing. Where intimacy is concerned, it can be one-dimensional. It can also be multi-faceted. Usually it is born of shared experience. The more layered the (types of) experiences shared, the more elaborate the (forms of) intimacy. It plays out in everything from inside jokes between co-workers to emotional closeness/support between sisters to risky endeavors between lovers.
Innocent until proven guilty… It’s quite complicated, yes? “Guilty” has a specific legal definition, but beyond that, I’m not sure how I feel about people being “guilty” of certain behaviors. There is right, and there is wrong, and a thousand nuanced in-betweens, and no two people will view any given situation in the same light. So “guilt”? Hmmm…
What you speak of seems, to me, a matter of extending to the people with whom we are intimate the benefit of the doubt. We believe in them.
I don’t believe anyone is “innocent” per se, but I do choose to fully embrace the ones I love – as they are, for who they are. Will I get hurt? Absolutely. Will I do it anyway? Absolutely. But that’s not always a bad thing. (As a side note/thought: Healing can be bonding.) I accept that pain is a part of life and love and relationships, and I try to learn from it. If my partner is of the same mind, and we believe, at the end of the day, that we are “for” (rather than against) one another, then our level of intimacy can grow.
Is that loyalty?
I don’t know.
Does loyalty have anything to do with intimacy?
I don’t think so. It *can* be, but the two concepts are not necessarily entwined.
…and now it’s my turn for morning coffee…
And breakfast. All this thinking is making me hungry. 😉
So much to rattle on about. Great questions and notions. I will in the interest of brevity 🙂 just throw out (from my world of splitting hairs) that giving someone the benefit of the doubt is a result of a “thinking through” whereas blind trust arises without any significant firing of the neurons. Enjoy your breakfast.
I agree, 100%. 🙂
Thanks for the great conversation!
As I’ve said before, whatever my other …issues may be with my appetites and my desires, I love men. And I married the best one ever.
Good ones are hard to find.
“Submissive” is not an adjective I would have chosen for somebody like YDH as U describe him. U used much better words, and “considerate” would also be appropriate.
Thanks.
It’s complicated, because there *is* a power dynamic between us, but at the same time, that’s soooo NOT what we are about.
I don’t get along well with labels. 🙂
Labels almost always oversimplify.