Why?
No, seriously… Why? It’s a good question to ask yourself.
Do you want a threesome so you can experience a specific sensation? (DP, DVP, spitroasting, being sandwiched, etc.) Do you want to be the center of attention? Perhaps you’d like to gift your partner with being the center of attention? Or are you doing it to please your partner, just going along? (Danger, Will Robinson!)
Are you ticking boxes off your bucket list, and figure, what the hell, why not? Is compersion your thing? Perhaps you are a hedonist?
Is this about your self esteem? Or maybe your ego? Are you testing yourself? Do you desire an intro to the swingles scene?
Do you get off on watching? Being watched?
Maybe you kink to something your partner isn’t into, and want to try pegging/fisting/rimming/CBT/insert-kink-here with someone else but still have your partner be part of it? Do you want to be able to Dom/me two subs at a time? Sub to two Dom/mes?
Can you answer any of these questions? Have you even thought about them?
If yes, please continue reading. If no, kindly go back to the beginning, turn on your brain (it’s inside your head – the one that sits on your shoulders), and think about it. Knowing where you’re coming from will help you – and your partners – to choose a direction everyone is comfortable with, and you’ll all be much more likely to have your threesome experience be a good one.
What configuration are you looking for?
The letter configurations in threesomes make a difference. In other words: Who is doing what with/to whom? With a shoutout to the aces and non-binary folks who may be reading this, I’m just gonna briefly outline the commonly-held understandings of just *what* those M and F letters in a threesome lineup actually mean.
- MFM (Male-Female-Male): Female in the middle, no M/M sexual interaction
- MMF (Male-Male-Female): All parties interacting, bisexual contact between males
- FMF (Female-Male-Female): Male in the middle, no F/F sexual interaction
- FFM (Female-Female-Male): All parties interacting, bisexual contact between females
- MMM (Male-Male-Male): All parties interacting, usually bisexual or gay males
- FFF (Female-Female-Female): All parties interacting, usually bisexual females or lesbians
Aside: FFM tends to be the most commonly held het-male fantasy threesome configuration, because hawt chicks gittin’ it on. [Insert eyeroll here.] The thing is… Yes, you’ll find this in real life. If you hang with a swing crowd, you may even find it regularly. But it kind of bothers me, personally, that this is often the go-to picture of What A Threesome Looks Like, because I think it’s unfair (and unrealistic) that women are just sort of expected to be keen on F/F action (and can take a lot of heat for not meeting that expectation), while men can be like, “no other dudes allowed,” and it’s considered normal.
My personal threesome experience has been MFM. I would *LOVE* to have an MMF, but have not {yet} found the right partner(s) with whom to proceed. I have started the conversation with my paramour, however, who has expressed some curiosity as to where that might lead. So…
We’ll see where that goes. 🙂
Where do we go from here?
If you’re partnered, and you’re planning on having a threesome with your partner: First, talk to your partner. Hopefully you’ve been doing that all along, as you’ve been determining what type of threesome it is that you want, how you want it, and why. If not, do that now.
Whether you’re partnered or not: Be prepared to talk about why you want to have a threesome and what type(s) of configurations you prefer. Do some deep digging and discuss things you’ve experienced that turned you on (visuals, fantasies, things you’ve read, etc.) as well as things that kill your libido/interest/desire.
And try to think beyond just Who Does What To Whom.
Yes, it’s important to state things like “I’m keen to try oral sex on __________” or “I really want to watch another man slide his cock into your __________.” It’s also imperative to state your hard limits.
Likewise, it is important – and completely OKAY – to say things like, “I want to touch __________ and watch you __________, but I’m not ready to have penetrative sex with __________” and “I want to guide and watch more than I want to touch; I’d rather be the director of the scene than one of the actors participating in it.”
But it’s also important to discuss other things, like what your personal limitations are in terms of practical matters like:
- time (are we dedicating a whole day to this endeavor or do we have to be home in three hours to relieve the sitter?) and
- energy (how much emailing/calling/texting do you want/need ahead of time and afterward?), as well as
- allergies (if the scent of bergamot gives you a migraine, your partners need to know that cologne is a huge NO) and
- hydration (have bottled water handy and/or be go-with-the-flow about taking breaks).
Pragmatic details are important and, if openly discussed ahead of time, can make your threesome experience much more pleasurable.
What about food? Flowers? Gifts? Will there be drinking? (I really don’t recommend it, but to each their own.) Who’s driving? Who’s hosting? Are we ordering pizza? Who is providing condoms? Are there any medical conditions that require attention? What about physical limitations?
Yes, the sexy stuff is good to talk about. A lot. And I don’t mean “whisper fantasy fodder in your spouse’s ear about the upcoming threesome play time.” I mean talk about things honestly and practically and get a good idea of everyone’s comfort level.
But don’t forget to hammer out a few functional fine points as well.
And once you’ve done that (or while you’re doing that, depending on the situation)…
Figure out who you’re going to invite to your threesome.
With threesomes, just like with kink, you do YOU. What works for you is what works. Period. That means the people involved have to ‘work’, and there is no magic formula or One Right Way™ to figure that out.
When looking for a threesome partner, a few options you could consider:
- ask a trusted friend (with the awareness that the ask – as well as any resultant sexual activity – may change the friendship)
- ask someone you met at a sex club or swingers party
- develop an online friendship with someone specifically for the purpose of having a threesome
- utilize a sex dating website and state your expectations clearly (with the awareness that 99 out of 100 message senders will completely ignore your profile)
- get in touch with someone from your past
- ask for a referral from someone who had a successful threesome
- go to a swing club
There are plenty of additional options as well. Be creative. Choose one that works for you.
And THEN…
Fuck.
Suck.
Lick, tease, spank, bind, penetrate.
Watch.
Stroke, massage.
Peg, command, sandwich, spitroast.
Taste.
Sigh.
Smile.
ENJOY. 🙂
Well, um, I’ve done the first five a few times and you’ve done a hell of a job explaining this; so many people wanna do this but are afraid because all anyone ever hears is how these things can go wrong so, brava, Mrs, Fever!
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Thanks. 🙂
Mishaps may happen, but it’s much easier to ‘right’ a situation that gets wobbly if everyone is on the same page to begin with. (Which should be common sense… But common sense is not exactly common.)
Nicely done! Communication and owning your particular kink is key. Also all three people have to want it, if one is merely allowing the threesome, then watch out because jealousy will raise its ugly head. Also, I might add that setting rules beforehand about who can and can’t do what with whom may sound like a good idea (frequently these rules are put in place to “safeguard” the primary relationship) people engaging in threesomes find they form attachments they didn’t expect and end the breaking or disregarding these rules (Note safe sex rules should not ever be broken). Being open to see where the relationship leads can help with managing expectations. Threesomes should be hot fun, and as little drama as possible.
Absolutely: NEVER just ‘go along’ with a threesome. Likewise, kink. You have to be invested or it won’t work.
And good point about rules.
Outside of my hard limits, I don’t really believe in making “rules” about who does what with whom. State your interests and when something makes you uncomfortable, say so. RIGHT THEN. Pretty much that’s my “rule” – it works, but only because I do the communication legwork ahead of time.
Some good advice. And thanks for the definitions at the beginning. Never really thought about MMF vs MFM etc.
Oh good! I’m glad that was helpful. 🙂
If the third person has an S.O. they should be aware of what’s going on. It is possible to get dragged into drama.
On a geek note, early hard drives were often MFM or SCSI {pronounced scuzzy}
Computer drives that is. Other drives can get hard in a variety of configurations.
Good point. Informed consent is important, not just as a drama-reducer but as an issue of sexual health and respect.
MFM computer drives? Sounds like something Transformers and Autobots would kink to. 😉
Great advice here and I am glad you defined the different letter combinations. Lots of people seem to be unaware of their meaning which could make for a tricky situation if you agreed to indulge in one without knowing what the other peoples expectations where
Mollyx
Molly recently posted…He is my…
Knowledge is power. 🙂
I love it. Thank you for an informative and interesting post, Feve ! 🙂
🙂
I like the questions, and agree that it’s terribly unfair to expect the *hawt chicks to get it on
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🙂
I’m with the het males here, my threesome preference is an FFM, I’m not that keen to experience another male joining us again. I much prefer the company of females. Once of my favourite group experiences was a FFF but it was part of a larger group so I didn’t discuss it in my post.
But I totally agree with you on the question of why, it’s really important to understand and communicate where all parties are coming from.
Larger group experiences (foursomes and moresomes) tend to have very different dynamics than threesomes. At least that’s been my experience.
But regardless of whether the number of people involved, be it 2 or 12, it’s definitely important to communicate. 🙂
This is very good. I have been thinking about having another ffm. I would love a mmf or even a mfm. But my husband is not down for it. and really all i need is another cock and they got strap on that work for that. or a TMF would be great especially if they had the breast implants in. oh a dick and tits all in one package. now that would be perfect. oh shit TMI TMI………lol
My life has had a few twist and turns the last few years and i find myself not trust anyone. So for me I need for a friendship to begin with the understanding of sex will be apart of it when all party’s are ready. Everyone gets a voice. Then I start looking at how often to triangles actually work. As far a relationship outside of the bedroom.??
So i am thinking about presenting the idea of another couple to my husband. I have been approached by two different couples that I find to be intelligent and interesting and could be fun. This way at the end of the night you know who you are going home with and the emotional after math is well shit i don’t know. But i am sure there is an after math. Well back to work for me.
Living the dream with a few nightmares along the way……
Peace, love and happiness to you
When we first opened up our marriage, we thought playing with other couples would be the ‘safest’ way to go. Which is logical in its way, I suppose. For the reasons you state.
But I’ve found couples to be tricky. It’s hard enough to find ONE person that we both like well enough and connect with on a suitable level; finding TWO, especially with the stipulation that those two be in a healthy relationship with one another and both be equally on board with ancillary explorations…
Well, let’s just say that the complications exist, and they don’t just multiply when there’s more people involved; instead they become exponential.
Good point i had not thought about that.