The only “personal growth” I’m experiencing is around my waist line.

That joke about gaining “the Covid 19”? It’s no joke!

I know I’m not alone in this, but over the past few months, I’ve put on weight.

It’s not something I’m happy about, especially given how long and hard I worked to take my excess weight off, but it’s A Thing nonetheless.

I’m big on personal responsibility. It’s not anyone’s fault but my own if I eat poorly; I have nobody to blame but myself if I gain weight as a result.

And before you start with your “But it’s the pandemic…” responses, or “It’s because THE WORLD…” excuses — NOPE.

It’s me.

Has the pandemic affected me? Yes.

How?

Work

Besides (or alongside) being the impetus for excess poundage, COVID-19 has impacted my work.

But unlike many who have endured the shift to working 100% from home (and whose daily exercise has thus been reduced to ‘walking from the computer to the fridge’), my shift has been less extreme.

Am I working from home? A little bit, yes.

But I’m an essential worker. And as such, I’ve still been going to work on a regular basis for the past four months while the world has been imploding.

And the work I’ve been doing… It’s terrible.

I provide a service that people need, yes. (Thus: ESSENTIAL.) But unlike Normal Times, I am now limited in scope as to where and how I can perform that service.

Which means I have, for the past four months been working a contract that I *despise*.

The hours are exhausting, the pay is terrible, and the STRESS…

Going to my contract site causes me stress. Being at that site… Just getting to my contract site causes me stress. And getting through the day at my contract site – absorbing, in the process, other people’s trauma and being ever-more strangled by the reins that have been drawn tighter and tighter on a daily basis from The People In Charge (who have ZERO understanding of what it is those of us who work there actually *do*) – causes me stress.

And the levels of stress I’m dealing with?

They cause HUNGER.

Hunger is a stress response.

While certain levels (and types) of stress will cause people to push food away, other types of stress cause people to crave it. (There’s a really easy-to-understand Harvard Health overview this topic here if you’re interested.)

And by feeding that stress response – by literally feeding it, by shoving food in my mouth (particularly carb-laden foods) – I am perpetuating the stress hormone release cycle that causes me to feel hungry.

Am I actually hungry? As in: Do I truly need sustenance?

NO.

But I’m eating – UNHEALTHILY – even though/when I don’t need to.

And as a result, I’ve gained weight.

“So you’ve gained a little weight. So what?” you are thinking.

It’s not just the number on the scale that makes this a big deal for me. There are other factors at play.

1. My ongoing-stress levels are kicking up my cortisol, which is a contributor to weight gain; both factors (cortisol and excess weight) impact cholesterol. I brought my cholesterol levels under control by losing weight; if I allow this stress to continue and continue overeating as a result, I will have very real health consequences to face.
2. The amount of negative impact my current work contract is having on my stress levels, my mental health, and my emotional well-being is unacceptable. By continuing to work in that environment, I am party to my own downward health spiral, part of which includes the pounds I’ve gained.
3. By ‘letting go’ of my personal responsibility for food intake in recent months, I’ve released myself of personal accountability where my health – my body – is concerned, and that is completely unacceptable to me.

Add in the fact that I’ve spent a lifetime battling weight, and that – finally(!!!), after figuring out what works for me – I felt like I’d ‘won’ that battle…

Gaining weight feels like losing.

And I’m a damn sore loser.

So it’s time to focus on winning. Specifically, on winning back my health.

As I’ve said above, I believe in personal accountability. I – and only I – am responsible for my decisions, and therefore accountable for the consequences thereof.

The first objective in making better decisions about my health is to remove as many negative stressors as possible. And while there are more things causing stress in my life than just my work, my work is the primary stressor over which I have control. As of Thursday this week, I am exercising that control by making the conscious decision to walk away.

Yes, I’m ‘essential’.

Yes, the services I provide are needed.

But I’ve done more than my share in the past few months, and with the additional pressure of doing so under heightened states of emergency (and with the increasingly-unhelpful strictures placed on me as higher-ups respond in a panicked fashion to those emergencies), I am – at least for a couple months – walking away. And in doing so, I am prioritizing my personal well-being.

And for those of you who are wondering about finances, about how I can ‘afford’ to walk away: That thing about personal accountability? It applies to my financial situation as well. And since I’ve *accepted* accountability for my own financial situation throughout my life, I have funds available to see me through during my hiatus.

Meanwhile, having done the financial accounting and having made the decision to take a break from work: I am holding myself accountable in specific, measurable ways with my diet again and NOT giving myself a break on (over)eating.

I accept that it will take time. (It takes twice as much effort – which translates to twice the time – to burn a pound than to gain one.) But I’m going to take the time. And put in the effort.

Because my health is important.

What does any of this have to do with personal growth?

While my blog title may have been somewhat tongue-in-cheek in equating ‘personal growth’ to an expanding waistline, I think embracing better health as ‘personal growth’ fits in this situation. Because while personal growth is often about learning something new or expanding one’s horizons, it is also about accepting individual responsibility. And when personal growth instigates change, that growth must stem from a place of embracing personal accountability.

One of the things the COVID-19 pandemic has highlighted – in ways many of us never expected – is just how important accountability can be.

So while I may have put on a few pounds during lockdown, it’s a weighty reminder to myself:

You – and only YOU – are responsible for your choices, and therefore accountable for their consequences.

What have you taken responsibility/accountability for during lockdown?

What steps are you taking toward personal growth as a result?