The first time I had a panic attack, I didn’t know what was happening.
My chest was constricted. I couldn’t get a clear breath.
We were in the car.
My boyfriend kept reaching for me and other than seeing his hand continually coming at me (a hand I was using my own to furiously bat away), I was completely blind.
Hyperventilating.
Dizzy.
Nauseous.
My head felt both like it had shrunken to one-twelfth its size and also like it was about to explode.
I was frozen. Gasping. Falling through space while rooted to the passenger seat during an otherwise mundane drive.
When my vision started to black, my ‘flight’ response kicked in and I went from being completely unable to move one second to clawing out of my seatbelt and slamming shoulder-first into the door the next.
It didn’t dawn on me that I was in a moving vehicle.
There was, in fact, no ‘dawning’ of rational thought at all.
I was drowning in plain air. Desperate for space.
The only thing I knew in that cramped, airless moment was that I needed to escape.
I had a lot to figure out after that first attack.
Thinking it was late-onset asthma or some other lung-capacity issue, I sought medical advice. Test after test after test came back with, “nothing is wrong here.”
But something was wrong.
And when it happened again – in an equally innocuous circumstance – I refused to be placated with “you’re just fine” answers. Because clearly I was NOT fine.
Finally I got a doctor who said, “Tell me what’s going on in your life.”
And once she’d heard the short list (I was working in a ghetto; my boyfriend had just gotten out of the army and moved in with me; my financial situation was strained; my family – which is full of madness – was relying more and more heavily on me in ways that were unhelpful), she said, “This is not a physiological issue. Given the amount of stress you’re under… I’m confident that what you’re describing is panic. You’re having panic attacks.”
[…?…]
( ! )
It was still another year before I ended things with my boyfriend (even longer before it was truly ‘the end’ because we continued living together); more than a year after that before I left my home state behind; another year after that before I truly felt free.
And what I spent all those years figuring out was that I needed space.
There were practical ways I went about establishing my physical space. Not least of which was the fact that I moved 3,000 miles away.
But also there were ways I learned – and still utilize – to maintain the mental/emotional space I need to stave off panic.
It’s not foolproof. Even though I’m better at recognizing the impending claustrophobia of stress closing in on me, I’m imperfect; I still take on more than I should and don’t always have a realistic expectation of myself in terms of the amount and types of stress I can handle. I still get overwhelmed and at times I have to fight to breathe.
But I know it for what it is now.
And in naming it ‘panic’, I have – over time and with support – hobbled its ability to attack.
for the Reminiscences prompt: SPACE
To learn more about the project or to participate yourself, please see here.
I’m glad that you were able to create a safer space for yourself and that you were able to take away the hold panic had over you. It reminds me of a TV show I was watching, a guy had a panic attack, but it manifested physically and he thought he was having a heart attack. Seemed scary in the moment, but once he was able to fight against the things causing stress and fear, everything seemed normal again.
I understand why people think they’re having a heart attack — the constriction in your chest is agonizing.
I don’t think I have ever read such an effective description of what it feels like to have a panic attack. I know that more and more people seem to suffer from them but I still thing they are not that widely discussed and often people don’t realise what is happening to them and what they can do about it. I am glad that you found a way to manage and thank you for sharing 😊
I think the idea of “panic” is often associated with the (incorrect) caricature visual of a fussy, flighty, hand-wringy person. So it doesn’t enter people’s minds that they might be having a panic attack.
My attacks first came in moments of calm, with no immediately-evident trigger. I figured out later that the reason I got hit in those moments was because my guard was down; it was because of that, that the overwhelm I’d kept subconsciously at bay had its chance to flood my system. It’s not like I was actively thinking about my struggles at the time of my attacks. It was more like the adrenaline found a crack in the dam during those moments.
The first time I witnessed a person going through a panic attack I almost had one myself. It was awful. There was no rationality there. There was no understanding and they were very close to seriously hurting themselves.
Now when someone suggests that they have these attacks, I try to remain aware at all times. If possible, I do what I can to try and reduce their anxiety. Panic attacks are scary things. I’m glad you were able to find a way to deal with yours (mostly). Take as much space as you need.
Collaredmichael recently posted…For Miss D—I Always Try to Keep My Word!
Everyone responds differently. When you say “no rationality” I’m not sure what you mean, because when I have a bad one, I can’t communicate at all. Rationality doesn’t come into it.
Panic attacks are terribly frightening! As someone with asthma, I can say they feel similar, but the circumstances are very different and they pass more quickly (for me, anyway).
I’m glad you have found space. I think space is really one of those basic human needs for some of us. Like air and water. Room to breathe and be.
Brigit Delaney recently posted…Delta of Venus
They can be frightening, yes.
And SPACE — one of my known triggers is feeling crowded, physically especially but also emotionally. It’s something I have to warn partners about, because if someone comes in for a kiss and I’m not expecting it, my reaction can be panic because I feel like they are stealing my air. Likewise if someone is attention-needy and I don’t have the emotional bandwidth for it, it makes me feel choked and I can’t breathe. In both instances, I will push them away because I feel my safety/space is being compromised/invaded. Which is not fun on either side of the panic equation.
Pingback: Reminiscences: Musings in Memoir -- Prompt #7 ~ Temperature's Rising
I am glad you are in a place where you can manage your panic attacks. I only started suffering from them about 4 or 5 months ago, and where the first couple of times I had no idea what was happening – bloody frightening! – I gradually recognize the things my husband told me about the panic attacks he suffered from some years ago. I knew where the panic attacks came from, and it got so bad that even a word or a name could trigger them, at any given time of day or night. Horrible. Recently I have pulled up some walls around me – put space between me and the triggers – and I now can go longer than a day without having a panic attack, but I need more time to get them under control.
~ Marie
Knowing (or figuring out) your triggers is HUGE.
I know – physically, environmentally, and emotionally – what to avoid now, and that has greatly reduce the frequency of my attacks over the years. They still get me (I cannot.STAND the mask requirements right now!) and there are times I have to work hard to throw off the panic. But I know what I’m dealing with now, which makes them less scary.
That first time though… OY! *That* was awful.
Hey, Mrs. Fever:
Just stopping in to ask you a question… a few of us have been concerned about Chris….The Muscleheaded Blog. We haven’t seen him around WP is awhile. It is unlike him to not blog or comment blogs in so long.
Do you know if he is okay?
Thank you!
Carolyn 🙂
BTW: Panic attacks are so scary! I’m glad you have learned more about them, especially as relates to you and can deal with them better. I wish you continued success in this!
(((HUGS)))
I am concerned too, especially as I know he is based in NC.
I sent him an email to check in on him but have not heard back.
Thank you.
Like you, several of us have sent e-mails and have not heard back. 🙁
We hope it’s a computer problem and nothing more serious.
Hopefully we’ll hear something soon and everything is alright.
Thank you, again!
I got an email reply today. You probably did too, but just in case — he said he’s been ill but is “making a comeback.” 🙂
Yes. It was so good to hear from him.
Thank you for letting me know you heard, too.
(((HUGS))) 🙂