‘Getting’ It
This past Christmas, my husband said to me:
“I’ve finally figured out — after 17 years — that the key, for you, when it comes to Christmas gifts… is cuteness.”
And y’know…
Is that *really* so hard to figure out?
: laugh :
Yes, I like cute things.
I like the ‘pretty’ kind of cute and the ‘cuddly’ kind of cute and the {im}practical-but-beautiful things that decorate my life. I am a fan of cute wrapping paper and sweet, silly socks; cute cookie jars make me smile and I’m likely to don a pair of fuzzy jammies and take ‘cute’ (ahem) photos in them.
So yes. When it comes to gifts, cute is a pretty safe bet.
But really…
When it comes to gifts…
It’s not so much about *what* you get me as it is that I need for you to show me that you ‘get’ me.
Speaking My Language
A lot of people… Well, they just don’t ‘get’ gifting.
They think it’s about what they spend or about having to prove something or about meeting expectations related to keeping up with the Joneses or maintaining face. I’ve known people like that. (I’ve been in relationships with people like that. Oy.) And y’know… For me, that’s not what it’s about AT ALL.
Gifting is my love language.
(And seriously, people bastardize the concept of The Five Love Languages all the time — especially Physical Touch — so to summarize for those of you who may not be familiar with the book: we all have a primary love language [and Words of Affirmation is a thing for EVERYONE even if it isn’t your primary love language], and we both show others our love -and- understand others’ love for us best through that language. Gifting is my love language.)
So when I give someone a gift… I have put thought into it. It is, on some level, an expression of feeling, whether the person I’m giving to is close to me or not.
Which means that when I receive a gift, I interpret that gift as an expression of feeling (appreciation, love, recognition, gratitude, etc.) and I assume that it’s the result of someone having put some thought into the gesture.
It’s not like I consciously analyze it.
It’s just that this is how I’m wired.
My husband knows this.
(We read the book The Five Love Languages together when we first got married; I don’t think I would really understand this ‘gifting’ thing about myself if we hadn’t, and I know it’s the primary reason my spouse ‘gets’ it.)
And he tries really hard — even though Gifting is not his love language — to speak my love language when Christmas rolls around.
Sometimes things get lost in translation.
: laugh :
But quite often his non-native fluency is — despite being a bit of guesswork — right on the money.
Like so:
This past Christmas, my husband gave me some lovely things.
But mostly, regardless of what he got me, he showed me with his gifts that he ‘gets’ me.
Is Gifting a thing for you?
Do you know your partner’s Love Language? If so, do you speak it?
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I’m not sure if gifting is my love language or if that is feeding people, but gifting is a BFD with me, nonetheless. As you say, it’s not the money spent, it’s in showing that you really see and get me. (Or I you.)
Unfortunately, most of my beaux haven’t grasped that point and there have been several spectacular gifting disappointments along the way. (Offset by one outstanding present from the guy who was in Venice and got me a handblown glass fountain pen and inkstand set. He and I broke up years ago, but he’s still got brownie points accrued from that one!)
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I think feeding people is sort of a mix of love languages, depending on the purpose and the drive behind it. A pidgin, if you will. 😉 It’s a gift of sorts but the act of cooking/providing a meal is also an act of service. And eating together is a way of spending quality time.
The inkstand set sounds brilliant! Lovely and thoughtful and totally YOU. I can see why he still scores high — obviously, he got it. 🙂
We’ve done the quiz multiple times and have realised that both our “receiving” and “giving” languages are different. I don’t know how accurate the answers are but it has at least made me more aware of how I can show my love to the people around me in different ways, and be sensitive to how others may be trying to show me their affection even tho it doesn’t automatically register as such on my radar.
It’s really a helpful tool, isn’t it? It’s helped me communicate better with my hubby for sure, and it’s also shed some light on the ways my past relationships didn’t work. Like, I am spectacularly bad at Words of Affirmation. But I understand now why people need to hear them, and even though it’s work for me to give them, I now willingingly put in the labor because it’s what the other person needs.
Yes, gifting is the language of love. Especially when there is no occasion or reason other than I Love You. And, Feve, I absolutely Love your necklace.
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Thanks! I like it a lot. 🙂
(I like it even more, I think, because he bought it from a local shop and it was made by a local artist. With so many small businesses gasping for breath because of COVID, “shopping small” is important to me right now.)
And YES to “no reason but I Love You” — I suspect you’re fairly fluent in the language of gift-giving, E. 🙂
I never thought receiving gifts was my love language, but mine have changed a bit over the years. Now it’s that and physical touch, where it used to be quality time. And, I totally agree with you that gifts are about “getting” the person. My favorite gifts are roadside daisies, potted orchids, jewelry, and books. Like yours, my hubby gets that about me. It’s a lucky place to be. (Beautiful, ahem…necklace…btw.)
Isn’t it lovely? 😉
I like receiving jewelry as a gift but honestly, it only works for me if it’s meaningful. Like, I’ve had beaux who have given me necklaces but it was more like “she’s a girl, I’m supposed to give her jewelry, let me just grab whatever’s available — oh! here’s a shiny thing!” than being thoughtful and ‘getting’ it. And that just doesn’t work for me.
Are daisies your favorite flower? I think my favorite roadside wilds are foxglove and peonies.
Yes. Daisies are my fave. A field full can seriously pull my attention and take my breath away. Wildflowers, in general, are so utterly enticing.
A lovely post, Feve, which made me think of this one thing I always taught my kids: even if you don’t like a gift, remember the person put thought into what to get you, and made an effort to buy you a gift, so be thankful. Now I know this is not what you meant by love languages, but I felt this was an important lesson to teach my kids. And now of course you have me thinking of my own way of receiving and giving gifts.
~ Marie
“Thank you” is important — I was required, as a child, to write thank you notes to everyone who gave me gifts on my birthday or at Christmas, and while it was a chore that felt uncomfortable at times (what am I supposed to say about a gaudy, badly-painted ceramic umbrella plaque or a pair of socks that are too small?), it taught me to show appreciation.
These days my “thank you” is more often given via text or phone call, but I make sure it’s said.
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