On my previous post, one of the commentors asked the question: Any regrets?
And y’know…
I don’t really think regrets are a thing for me.
Not that I’m never double-thinking my decisions after they’ve been made or that I don’t tell myself I should do/be better. Not that I’m never sorry for things I’ve done that have caused harm to others —
always, to be clear, without malice aforethought; I don’t get any joy from hurting people’s feelings even if they have previously hurt mine
— or that I’ve never said to myself, “Self… Let’s NOT do that again!”
Because of course I have.
But to me, regret is something beyond feeling apologetic about something. Regret is a second-guessing of self. It is a wishing-and-hoping mentality applied to decisions already made; it is the idea that if I would have chosen X instead of Q, I would have been in a better place. (Would you? Really? Because *I* think you’d probably be a totally different person if you made different decisions, right? And ‘better’ is subjective.) Regret is too much woulda-coulda-shoulda for me. It’s about the past.
And that’s not where I live.
I prefer, instead of regretting what I’ve done (or not done — those of you who are familiar with the standardized concept of religious confession will know just how important the words ‘and by what we have left undone’ can be), to own up to it.
To take stock.
To say, “That didn’t go so well.” And to ask, “How can I do better next time?”
Because that, for me, is a combination of grounding myself in the moment — here we are now, and this is why — and of looking toward the future.
It’s not regret because it’s not about the past.
In the famous lyrics of one of my favorite Aerosmith songs: The past is GONE.
THAT SAID
The one time I wander into ‘regret’ territory is when I’m grieving.
When I’m facing the fact of death — and I have faced it, recently and substantially; Death has come for people I care about over the past year — and facing the fact that, because of death, there will be no more time with this person… Then — MAYBE — is when I think in terms of regrets.
I don’t think it’s so much of a wish-I-would-have-behaved-differently thing as it is facing up to the fact that there is no tomorrow in which to make different/better decisions in a relationship once a person is gone.
Case in point: One of my friends died recently.
Hearing the news was a jolt. It was not expected; I was completely unprepared for the idea of Life Without This Guy.
And once the reality of the situation penetrated, then the thinking set in, y’know?
My husband and I had not seen much of this friend in recent years. Partly it was a geographical parting of ways, as the distance between our homes was not so easily drive-able anymore. Partly it was a work friendship that gradually dissipated once the work connection was severed. (He and my husband used to work for the same company.) And then, of course, there was COVID. I’ve been out of touch with EVERYONE for the past three years, because hello! pandemic!
But there is also — despite those kinds of obstacles — the idea of effort. Of [making] time. Of not just shrugging-off and letting go. The idea of: I am perfectly capable of maintaining friendships over distance and altered settings. Why didn’t I?
Friendship, though, is a two-way street. And I have a low tolerance for being the lone driver on that road. So yes, *I* could have made more effort. But in this situation, I would have been the ONLY person making the effort. You see?
So do I regret not having seen more of my friend in recent years, now that I know I will have no opportunity to see him again in the future?
I don’t know.
What I *do* know is that I do NOT regret the time I spent with him while he was here.
And since, as a general rule, I do not regret the way I choose to spend my time… That’s where the peace lies.
No regrets.
.
What about you? Do you have regrets?
What kinds of things would you change about your past if you could?
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Good answer. Brava! Regret is such a funny word, isn’t it? It makes no sense to have regrets over something that’s beyond one’s ability to do anything about, but we are human, and we can get to feeling some kind of way when we go from being able to do something and now… eh, let’s not and say we did, and while being very much aware of the impact it has on someone else, oh, like a husband or wife, for example.
To go from being gung-ho about sex to being anything other than that is… a bitch and one of those facts of life. Sometimes, it’s a… conscious decision to… give it up. Not worth the physical and even emotional agony. Sorry about that – it is what it’s going to be and, perhaps, “regret” is the wrong word, but I think you might know what I really meant, and I do know that you know that some words are the right and wrong ones to describe or define something and falls under “for lack of a better word.”
Women usually don’t talk about this, so you get major props from me because you’re not afraid to. Brava. I’m a fan.
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Whenever I find myself too deeply embedded in the rabbit hole of regret I think of how certain positive offshoots of things I regret would also never have happened had I made a different decision. It’s a good way back up into daylight. Recently I had a serious discussion with my wife over something akin to regret that I am far more susceptible to: feeling like I can’t win. It was a good discussion.
Regret implies that had one just made a different decision, the outcome would have been better. MY big issue is regretting not the decision but the outcome itself…….especially when I feel like I made the right choice and got fucked anyway. That’s a tough one because it makes it very hard to look ahead with any confidence. I mean, if you make a mistake and learn from it, you can feel prepared to make a better go of the next opportunity, but it is a very hard lesson for me to accept that a lot of things in life are far beyond my control and will not change regardless of the decisions I make. Here I have been advised that the choice aspect then comes down NOT to the initial decision, but rather modifying the choice I make in how I FEEL about the apparently unfair outcome. What a terrible notion.
That’s a tough one: the can’t-win feeling. I think the one area of my life where I’ve consistently felt that myself has been in things concerning my family of origin. I’ll have to give that some thought.
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