Time{ing} At ‘Home’

TL;DR — My mom is doing well. My dad is not. Little sister with her little brood is dealing with life and the difficulties that come with it. I’m back home.

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So my visit home was… Informative.

To start with, let’s look at the main takeaways: [1] Mom is doing well and my fears/concerns that some kind of drastic action may be necessary (i.e., moving back on a semi-permanent basis) have been alleviated; [2] I sincerely hope the end is coming soon for my dad (I don’t care how bad it sounds; he’s a mean bastard and has outlived his empathy allotment); [3] my sister and her kids need some help.

MOM

My mother’s surgery went very well. When I arrived to “take over” care for a few days, she was in good spirits and in good physical condition. She had to spend 36 waking hours with her face down, parallel to the floor. It was not fun but she took it like a champ. On her breaks (45 minutes head down, 15 minutes stand/walk/stretch), she administered her eye drop medications (she had 4 to start with and is down to 1 as of yesterday) and stayed in good spirits. I mostly kept her company, but I also cooked meals and did a fair amount of shoveling snow. When I left, she thanked me for coming — which is significant because my mom is pretty pigheaded stubborn independent and was not exactly jumping for joy when we first discussed me coming to help for a few days — and we’ve been in regular contact since. Her first follow-up with the surgeon boded well. Her next one is in two weeks. (At which time, the *next* surgery will be discussed. She has to have cataracts removed.)

So the physical health stuff: thumbs up.

The condition-of-the-home stuff… It’s not as bad as I thought. Granted, she knew I was coming and she knew she’d be out of commission for several days. Therefore, she did a lot of prepping ahead of time (which was helped by having minimal childcare responsibilities for once — honestly, she should not be taking care of my sister’s kids as much as she does) and as a result the house was in decent shape. With the weather (snow) and temps (1 degree Farenheit) and mother-care, I did not leave her house at all for the first couple days except to go as far as the driveway, which needed clearing for safe passage. Therefore, I did not go stock-up shopping for cleaning supplies and/or make any further inroads to the elbow-grease kinds of cleaning that need to be done. BUT, I am also not *worried* along those lines any more (or at least for the moment); I think she can manage.

This is good.

What will probably happen is that I will have to start going back for short visits once or twice a year instead of for longer visits every couple years. (This will require some finessing. Because my mom is… my mom.)

And once my dad dies (I’m not even going to get into it — suffice to say, he’s in really bad shape), I will have to go back for a long spell. Estate management will be a necessity (not in terms of The Estate, like they have fancy property or something; just in terms of administering the will and whatnot), and then I will likely be re-housing mom. She’s currently in a tri-level house in the country. She needs (and has expressed a desire to be in) a single-story home in town. Because, amenities. And because old people fall. Stairs = BAD.

DAD

Not gonna go there.

I will do anything for my mother. My dad will not. End of story. (End of extremely limited relationship.)

SISTER

So I know my sister’s husband was a train wreck. She shouldn’t have married him. They were quickly divorced. It’s a long and not very interesting story.

Baby Daddy #2 seems okay but he’s a co-parent, not a partner. And only for the child he fathered. (Said child is adorable and was an unplanned but much-loved surprise. My sister’s oldest is 14. The baby is 17 months.)

My nieces (14 and 9) are doing okay but they have their struggles. The oldest especially. Mental health, etc.

My sister… She’s 39. She’s trying to be an adult. And she’s having a hard time of it. Especially financially. And especially within this single-parent, non-partnered, non-relationship situation she has created for herself.

Oh well.

Are there things she could be doing better? Yes.

Am I going to call her out on them? No. She’s doing the best she knows how to do and we all need to live our own lives. She’s not causing damage.

She’s having a hard time managing damage, though. Especially the kind that destroys the wallet. So the timing of my visit was fortuitous, I guess. Because she needed help to get her car fixed. And since I was present to hear about the problem, I was able to assist. (If I hadn’t been there at the time-of, nobody would have told me anything. I only would have heard after-the-fact references — months down the line — to things like “broken down” and “stranded” which is NOT the way these things should go. But that’s the way we roll. Because in my family we are pigheaded stubborn independent [see: MOM, above] and absolutely refuse to say if/when something might be wrong. Also, we tend to think it is a mortal sin to ask for help.)

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: exhale :

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So pretty much I feel like I just typed at the speed of light. If I was speaking aloud, you would’ve gotten that whole rundown in one breath.

: chuckle :

But I’m good.

Mom’s good.

Sis is managing.

We’re good.

For now.

And I’m really glad to be back home.