Today, boys and girls, our topic is: Grooming. Yes, the capital letter is audible: Grooming.
Now, I realize that some of you groom (i.e., shower, brush teeth and hair, wear deodorant), but do not Groom. Again, the capital letter is audible. Say it with me, now: Grooming.
Grooming: (v) the process of removing hair from (Oh, my God! You mean I have hair THERE?!?!) various parts of one’s body through the use of assorted (often painful ~ ouch! *@#$!) methods. [See also: torture, masochism, and insanity, which can be found under subheading: ‘exercises in futility’.]
I engage in a variety of body hair removal activities on a regular (read: hourly) basis. Razors and wax and tweezers, oh my! Mr. Fever finds my fastidiousness fascinating…or maybe it’s just the fact that he gets excited when he hears me yelling, “fuck, Fuck, FUCK!” while I rip the wax strip off a particularly tender morsel of skin… Perhaps he thinks all the “FUCK!”-ing is an invitation…?
Occasionally I wonder if anyone else in the universe is a fuzzy bunny too. (Or a Wookie? Ewok? Maybe I’m an E-wookie! Lol.) Or maybe I’m the only one, having been born into a family that has the bad luck to be genetically predisposed to resemble a horde burmese monkeys. My ancestors were bearded warriors after all…and that was just the women! (Talk about wearing your hair in braids! Chin hairs, that is.)
For anyone else who engages in these ridiculous rituals, I salute you!
Fun Fact: Marilyn Monroe had a fine layer of hair that covered her entire face and body. That’s why her skin appeared to glow, especially in black and white photographs.
So next time that wax strip goes rriiiip, think of the great MM (not to be confused with M&Ms…that’s another issue entirely) and become one with the pain. Or you can let it all hang out (sprout out?)… Just channel Marilyn and keep your chin up…but make sure your tweezers and mirror are handy while your chin is in the air so you can pluck any wild hairs you see there.
Now: Where the hell are my tweezers?