THE LEANING TOWER OF TREE-ZA
NOVEMBER 28, 2015
Step One: Compromise
Step Two: Exercise
I need you to help me carry this thing.
I can’t do it alone.
This was not in the contract.
I am amending the contract, post haste.
You take that end.
No, I want the head.
You wanna go first?
I always go first.
Why are there so many stairs?
Just keep going.
This bitch is heavy!
Well, I can’t carry it alone.
Ouch! It poked me!
Just keep going. There’s only a few steps left to go.
It’s too… ROUND. It’s fat.
IT DOESN’T EVEN FIT THROUGH THE DOOR!
This is all your fault.
Just because I have a penis…
:: pause ::
Actually, I think this has to do with your whole ‘thing’ about fat-bottomed girls. But we’ll discuss Queen(ing) another time.
NOTE TO SELF: Amend marital contract, effective immediately. Page 32, Section C, Item 17: The Missus shall, at her discretion, assist (or not) in the moving of heavy objects, with preference given to “heavy like a tank” items, such as furniture or linebackers. The Missus shall, as she pleases, refuse to assist in the transport of obese things, such as Christmas trees and distant relatives. Hired help may be required. See Section D, Item 47 on page 39 for details on obtaining funds for said hiring.
Step Three: Procrastinate
The tree isn’t straight.
It’s good enough.
I can’t decorate a crooked tree.
Well, you’re gonna have to wait, hon. I gotta go.
You… What?! What do you mean you gotta go?
I have a date. I told her I’d meet her at 3:00.
You… Whaaa…?!!!? YOU CAN’T LEAVE ME LIKE THIS!!!!!
I’ll be back and we’ll fix it then.
Oh my God. OHMYGOD. You’re LEAVING ME with a CROOKED TREE!
Yes. Yes, I am.
Step Four: Commiserate
NOVEMBER 29, 2015
Step Five: Decorate
I adjust my posture, thinking that if I am sitting up straight then the Christmas tree will stop looking crooked.
I check the contents of my glass. Hmmm… Just water. So if I’m not drunk, the tree must be.
Sometimes the simple things in life are not so simple, but they’re beautiful.
Sometimes, despite your best efforts, things go a little… Crooked.
Sometimes that’s what makes life interesting.
Sometimes “straight” is just not the way we grow.
Sometimes we have to lean a little to be