O Tannenbaum

      24 Comments on O Tannenbaum


NOVEMBER 28, 2015

Step One:  Compromise

Christmas Compromise

Because, Marriage


Step Two:  Exercise

I need you to help me carry this thing.
Excuse me?
I can’t do it alone.
This was not in the contract.
I am amending the contract, post haste.
You take that end.
No, I want the head.
You wanna go first?
I always go first.

Why are there so many stairs?
Just keep going.
*pant, pant*
This bitch is heavy!
Well, I can’t carry it alone.

Ouch!  It poked me!
Just keep going. There’s only a few steps left to go.
*pant, pant*

It’s too…  ROUND.  It’s fat.

This is all your fault.
Just because I have a penis…

:: pause ::

Actually, I think this has to do with your whole ‘thing’ about fat-bottomed girls.  But we’ll discuss Queen(ing) another time.

NOTE TO SELF:  Amend marital contract, effective immediately.  Page 32, Section C, Item 17:  The Missus shall, at her discretion, assist (or not) in the moving of heavy objects, with preference given to “heavy like a tank” items, such as furniture or linebackers.  The Missus shall, as she pleases, refuse to assist in the transport of obese things, such as Christmas trees and distant relatives.  Hired help may be required.  See Section D, Item 47 on page 39 for details on obtaining funds for said hiring.


Step Three:  Procrastinate

The tree isn’t straight.
It’s good enough.
I can’t decorate a crooked tree.
Well, you’re gonna have to wait, hon.  I gotta go.
You…  What?!  What do you mean you gotta go?
I have a date. I told her I’d meet her at 3:00.
You…  Whaaa…?!!!?  YOU CAN’T LEAVE ME LIKE THIS!!!!!
I’ll be back and we’ll fix it then.
Oh my God.  OHMYGOD.  You’re LEAVING ME with a CROOKED TREE!
Yes.  Yes, I am.


Step Four:  Commiserate

Obese Tree

Cue Song: That’s what friends are for…


NOVEMBER 29, 2015

Step Five:  Decorate

Christmas Tree



I adjust my posture, thinking that if I am sitting up straight then the Christmas tree will stop looking crooked.

I check the contents of my glass.  Hmmm…  Just water.  So if I’m not drunk, the tree must be.

Treeza 1

And men think WOMEN make everything complicated. Yeesh!

Treeza 2

Somehow I missed the innuendo-ability (is that a word?) when I typed this.


Sometimes the simple things in life are not so simple, but they’re beautiful.
Sometimes, despite your best efforts, things go a little… Crooked.
Sometimes that’s what makes life interesting.

Sometimes “straight” is just not the way we grow.

Sometimes we have to lean a little to be merry married.

24 thoughts on “O Tannenbaum

  1. wildoats1962

    I haven’t had a tree in quite a few years. I do remember going to a tree farm the first time back around 98. Before going I took my families old tree stand and repainted it. A couple of days later we went to the farm. The guy took us around to look at different ones, and we picked one we thought would work. The farmer used his chain saw to cut it down and take off a few of the bottom branches. After we got it into the house I tried to put it into the tree stand. Nope! Not gonna work! The shaft won’t fit in the hole! Okay, Okay, I don’t have a chain saw but I have a tree saw. Wow this wood is full of sap, but I take a couple of inches off and reprune around the base. Nope still too big. I ended up cutting off about a foot. The following years I took the stand WITH me when picking out a tree.

    1. Mrs Fever Post author

      I’ve never done the lumberjack bit, though I think it would be fun. Last year we had a HUGE tree; we had just moved to our new house and the living area was almost devoid of furniture, so there was a small couch and a giant tree. A year later, with the empty spaces filled in… This tree feels humongous. We had the branch-removal issue this year, trying to get the trunk to fit in the stand. It’s funny NOW, but wrestling with an evergreen, getting sticky from sap and poked in all the wrong places while my spouse wielded a saw? At the time, I was less than thrilled. At one point I think we both yelled “Just PUT IT in the HOLE!” at the same time when we were trying to fit tree to stand, which sort of eased the tension a bit. 😉

        1. Mrs Fever Post author


          So I’m taking your in-my-underwear needleness under advisement. I figure I can prevent getting needles in my underwear by simply not wearing any.

          Problem solved! 😀

  2. Ann St. Vincent

    Beautiful tree!! I remember my Dad and Step-mom every year almost getting divorced over their tree shenanigans. They have a fake one now.

    My son Liam helped me with our real tree this year 🙂

    1. Mrs Fever Post author

      Thanks! Our tree shenanigans are always entertaining. I grumble but it’s never serious. Picking out and putting up the tree is one of my favorite holiday traditions. 🙂 Very cool that you and Liam had tree festivities this year! ????

      1. Ann St. Vincent

        Oh yes – he wanted a tree before he went back to his dad’s last time so there we were, buying a tree on Nov 30!! He was so happy…and that kid brings me so much joy, it’s worth knowing the tree will lose all its needles the moment I touch it after Christmas 🙂

  3. Talia Hardy

    I do like your blousy big balls–on the tree. I spent an hour sorting through decorations, I have many, put up lights in the window. And three hours later, blackout. Oh well, plan B. Have a good Christmas.

    1. Mrs Fever Post author

      We lost power in the wee hours earlier this week. Tis the season. 🙂

      I’m always hesitant to try any seen-from-the-outside decorating, so I admire your lights-in-the-window approach. Our tree is in front of a large window this year, and my husband has been nagging me to let him put lights on the exterior of the house. Maybe next year…

      Merry Christmas! ❄

    1. Mrs Fever Post author

      Some of the old sets, if one light went out, the whole strand would stop working. I don’t have any of those anymore. I *do* have pine cone lights on my tree this year though. Can you see them? They’re my new favorite thing. 🙂


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