Due to inflation, the sexual position formerly known as 69 will hereafter be called 96. The cost of dining out has officially gone up.
There are memes floating about the interwebs that say something similar to the above, but apparently the people who make such entertaining re-postables are incapable of avoiding glaring spelling and usage errors. Too bad, that.
But enough about Language. Let’s discuss Math, shall we? Specifically, the number 69.
Sixty-nine (69) is known, in common parlance, as the sexual position in which two partners curve themselves around each other such as to provide the appropriate arrangement for participating in mutual, co-occurring oral stimulation to the genitals.
Sixty-nine (69) is known, in my world, as “What the fuck do you want to do THAT for?”
Not that I don’t want to have my pussy licked.
I mean, OF COURSE I want my pussy licked. I’m all about having my pussy licked.
Okay, okay. Usually.
Well, now that I think of it… Really, there’s only one person who’s EVER figured out how to quickly (read: less than 30 minutes) and consistently (at least nine times out of ten) bring me to orgasm with his tongue. Which, quite frankly, added up to significant points in his favor when I decided to ask him to marry me.
So, to rephrase: I’m usually all about having my pussy licked, provided it’s my spouse who is doing the licking.
If someone else (by specific invitation) wants to give it a go…
Yes please. By all means.
But I have approximately ZERO interest in having my being-licked experience disrupted by having a dick in my face.
Put that thing away.
Here’s the thing:
It takes concentrated relaxation on my part to be able to orgasm from oral stimulation. It requires willpower and focus – to mentally overcome my tickle responses and to breathe through the intensity that sometimes borders on pain when my clit is receiving direct stimulation – for me to be able to orgasm. When I’m on the receiving end of oral stimulation, I need to focus on myself. On my pleasure.
And I can’t do that if I’m focusing on YOUR pleasure.
Sixty-nine-ing means that I am in a position to (be expected to) focus on both my pleasure and your pleasure simultaneously. BUT IT DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY.
Because if I’m going to use my mouth on you, you can bet your sweet ass I’m going to be 100% focused on driving you out of your mind.
And if I’m using my mouth on you, I can guaran-damn-tee that *you* won’t be able to focus on anything but the pleasure you’re receiving. So much so that you’ll have to be reminded to breathe.
So why would I want to subject myself to that level of distraction?
In my experience, 69 means:
- I get so intensely focused on giving oral pleasure that I pretty much tune out any attempts on my partner’s part to provide me with the same.
- My partner gets so distracted by my mouthy ministrations that they start getting tongue-stabby and tooth-chewy around my most sensitive girly bits.
So yeah. I’m not a fan of 69 (or 96, as you will).
Oral sex in general? Well, it takes time to get it right, but with the right partner(s) it can be really enjoyable. So… Sure. Okay.
Taking turns? Yes! (But I’ve found that men are fairly useless after they cum, so if it’s a turn-taking thing, I get mine first.)
Positioning ourselves in a way that is not face-to-face? Absolutely. Endless pleasurable positions abound.
But when it comes to 69?
As far as I’m concerned…
You can eighty-six it.