Modern Dating

      14 Comments on Modern Dating


What I Think About When I’m Up at 4:00am And Can’t Get Back To Sleep

I think I would suck at dating.

I mean, I’ve pretty much always sucked at dating.  It’s just so…  I dunno.  Formal, or something.

I know how to be friends with people, and I’m happy to let those friendly vines grow up and over whatever walls they will, seeking heat and sunshine even as they root deeper in the dirt.  (Look at me, being all metaphorical and stuff.)

I’m not overly concerned about things like labels though, so keeping my various relationships in neatly packaged little boxes is not high on my priority list.  Which means that mostly – and this has been true throughout my entire life – I just let my relationships work themselves out.  I don’t date.

Dating my first love was an exercise in WTF.

Dating my husband…  Yeah, that didn’t really happen.  We met, we meshed, and then we were just…  Together.  We didn’t ‘date’.  Still don’t.

Dating, quite frankly…  Well…  The word alone makes my insides squeege up in revolt.

For some reason, people do it though.  And these days it’s apparently much more gadget-induced and app-enhanced than ever.  Which I might be down for if we were talking about sex toy tech.  (You mean I can control that vibrating butt plug remotely, from my phone, three thousand miles away???  Sign me up!!!)  But alas, that is not the case.

From what I understand, it’s more like Fill This Out and Upload Your Photos and Share Seventy Billion Private Things About Yourself and ALL THIS, Only $179/month!  (Cost of headaches not included.)

Or, y’know, get the free version and knock yourself out.

Thanks, but no thanks.

I’m not looking to date anyone right now, but if I was, I’d still say “no thanks” to this version of The Ridiculousness™.

Some people  believe that all this e-dating business gives them more choices, and that more – simply by virtue of volume – is somehow better.

Um, NO.

Not only do I believe that a larger pool of potential partners does NOT higher quality choices make (if the pool is desperately in need of chlorination, the size of the pool matters only in terms of how much effort you want to put into decontaminating it), but I’m an introvert.  And kind of a bitch.  So all that people-ing (virtual or otherwise)?  Ain’t nobody got time fo dat.


Since I was up at an ungodly hour this morning and am, for the moment, completely incapable of returning to slumber, I thought I’d give the whole Modern Dating thing a go.  Theoretically, anyway.

So to start with, I’d need a profile, right?  Let’s see…

Name:  Hmmm… That depends.  Let’s go with Ma’am.
Age:  Less
Sex:  Yes, please.
Height:  That doesn’t really matter, does it?  You’ll be kneeling.
Weight:  Of the World
Eyes:  in the back of my head EVERYWHERE
Body Type:  sport coupe Vintage American Muscle
Kinks:  a few, mostly in my lower back first thing in the morning
Looking For:  My keys.  Have you seen them?

How am I doing so far?  Shall I continue?

Hobbies:  Oh, dear. You’ve misspelled Hobbits.
Sports:  Water
Interests:  Generally low. But my dividends are high.
Preferences:  Does this really need to be spelled out?  How about, “Don’t be a douchemonkey.”


Yeah, I really am not good at this whole dating thing.

cartoon of cat reading response to dating ad

How about you?

14 thoughts on “Modern Dating

  1. Collaredmichael

    As I met my current wife through the internet dating process, I am okay with the use of technology to assist things. I love your terminology though. Still I think it’s easier for males on these sites. There are fewer women jerks on them and way more male jerks. Less for guys to weed out and more work for women looking for quality males.

    1. Mrs Fever Post author

      Very cool that you found long-term love this way. Congratulations. 🙂

      And yes, minimization of jerkage is a plus. 😀

      (Ha! In more ways than one. 😛 )

  2. furcissy

    Thank you for this, Mrs Fever. I am horrible at dating and share many of these thoughts.

    At times I feel like I’m the generic version with contents that are just as good as the real thing but in a box that lacks any and all “ooh shiny” appeal.

    I must say that you seem pretty good at it. If I was single I would totally have to write to that profile. Mine would be the one looking for large amounts of awesome sauce.

    Take care.

  3. K Quinn

    hahahaha… love your sharp wit,as always! (Weight–of the world.. Sports–water, etc).
    And the online cat-dating picture made me actually ‘el-oh-el’

    1. Mrs Fever Post author

      I straight-up belly laughed – unapologetically, and IN PUBLIC – at that cat cartoon when I first saw it. I save little “happy” pics like that whenever I run across them. 🙂

  4. Dok Urtybitz

    water sports eh?,,



    I think you’d do better at the dating that you give yourself credit for, but i have a feeling you’d very quickly tire of the douchebaggery that abounds in internet dating

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