NOTE/WARNING:  This falls under the heading of “Not A Sexy Post” — If bodily functions horrify you and/or you are afraid of your digestive tract, you might want to skip this one.

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THE TAO OF POO

Y’know how the Chinese zodiac has all these “Year of the __________” type things?  I was born, for example, in the Year of the Dragon (thus, that is my sign) (which might explain some other stuff).  2019 will be the Year of the Pig (mostly — the Chinese New Year actually starts in February, so no bacon til then).  2018 has been the Year of the Dog.

The Chinese also have a philosophical system:  Tao.  You may have heard of the book, The Tao of Pooh?  (Which is kind of cute, actually.  I read it last year.)  Well, let’s just say that this year – in the Year of the Dog – my ass has been barking like mad and I’ve had LOTS of practice in the Tao of Poo.

Americans also have philosophical systems.  One of which goes something along the lines of, “__________ has gone to the dogs.”

Which, given the Tao-ist slant I’m going with…  Yes.  My ass has gone to the dogs.

Because:

See, what happened was:  Due to the high incidence of colo-rectal cancer in my paternal line, I was referred for colonoscopy, which was scheduled – the first time – in February.

Yes, I said the first time.  I had to do this twice.  Because the first time I went in, despite the 32-hr liquid diet and horrible-tasting Gavilyte prep and the hourly trips to the bathroom to allow my bowels to become intimately acquainted with my toilet bowl…

It didn’t work.

I got to my appointment and they were like, “So are you pooping clear liquid?” and I was like, “…?” because I wasn’t pooping AT ALL by that point but ‘clear’ was never part of the preparatory nurse’s consultation conversation.  So we tried going through with the procedure anyway (because I had to take time off work* AND drive and hour and a half to the medical facility), but apparently my intestines were storing extra grossness that I had no idea existed.  Because hey!  As much as I’ve tried to avoid my mother’s tendencies for hoarding, apparently my body has inherited the trait on my behalf.

*I’m self-employed, so there is a looooong tangent I could insert here.  But I won’t.  Not today.

Anywhoo…

So I had to do it all over again a month later.  Seventy-two hour liquid diet.  Metamucil in Gatorade every two hours for two days.  Laxative pills.  Liquid laxative.  (The liquid was like a clear lemon soda type thing.  I haven’t been able to drink lemonade since.  Blecchhh!)  Water only for the final 12 hours.

And that time it worked.

BUT(T)

All that excessive clearing out completely wiped out my intestinal bacteria.

I mean…  I’ve always had a sensitive digestive system, so I’m pretty in tune with what’s going on with my foodstuffs while they’re being processed.  But after the whole Emptying Experience, that whole ‘in tune’ thing?

Hmmm, how can I explain this…

Try to audiolize (that’s like ‘visualize’ but with your ears; and it is so a word!), if you will, a Paul Anka polka being sung in whalespeak.  Approximately two octaves low and a half key sharp.

Yeah.  That’s how ‘in tune’ my intestines were, post-colonoscopy, to the concept of poo production.

So, um.  Let’s just say I’ve had some very uncomfortable moments this year.

Sometimes in public.  (Which…  You know how little kids will stick their fingers in their ears and yell LALALALALA when they don’t want to hear it?  Well, let’s just say I had a way to LALALALALA my arse, because NOOoooooo!)

I am not in public today.  NO.  Today — thank the porcelain gods — I have spent the day at home.

This is an Immensely Favorable Highly Wonderful Very Very Good Thing™.

Because even though it’s been months since The Colonoscopy Horribleness, my ass still occasionally barks at me.  And today** it’s barking mad.  Which means I have been zenning my way through multiple sprints to the toilet, and continue to practice my digestional philosophy:

The Tao of Poo.

**today not actually being TODAY, today — I wrote this the day it was happening earlier in the week but didn’t want to interfere with Wednesday’s food fest by yammering on about my poo fest.  😉