Communication
I have some very simple rules of engagement when it comes to communication in my romantic relationships. And one of those rules is: Don’t tell me “No.”
Now I know some of you just read that rule and went all, “Consent!” and “That’s not fair!” and “What a horrible person you must be!” (And let’s be honest — some of you read that and said, “Ooooh… That’s hot.” 😛 ) So now that your knickers are all in a twist, I will expound. 😉
Hard Limits
Hard Limits are something everybody has. They are often discussed in kink scenarios and BDSM relationships, but actually they are applicable to everyday relationships (sexual or otherwise) as well.
And while you may (or may not) know your own hard limits in a straightforward way, odds are: I don’t. And being shut down in my attempts to talk to you about them is not going to get you anywhere with me. (It most especially won’t get you into my bed.) So the deal is: I ask a question. You answer.
Your answer cannot be “No.”
And your answer must include {a} your interpretation of the topic in question, {b} your feelings about said topic, {c} the background story to said feelings (if applicable), and {LAST} whether it’s a Yes/Maybe/Under-Specific-Circumstances/Probably Not or No Fucking Way.
Let’s say I ask you, “How do you feel about anal sex?”
If you say “No,” that answer tells me absolutely nothing.
Flesh it out.
If I say, “Would you be open to anal sex?”, I expect you to think about it before answering.
- Giving or receiving?
- PIA or other penetration?
- Partnered or solo?
- As an exercise in pleasure or humiliation?
- As an expression of dominance or submission?
You have to engage your brain.
(Preferably before you engage your mouth to speak the forbidden ‘no’.)
Because if when I say ‘anal sex’ I am thinking of me-on-you penetration using fingers/toys/strap-on and you are thinking of an M/M hedonistic-fest…
We are not on the same page.
So if you’re saying ‘no’ then what you’re saying ‘no’ to is probably not even what I’m asking you to consider.
Therefore: “No” – by itself – is not an acceptable answer.
Curiosities & Explorations
One thing that happens in (healthy) relationships is a sharing of ideas. Whether it’s something you want to try or something new you just learned or something you’ve remembered from your past and want to revisit again now that you’re more mature… There’s always something. And those somethings, if they are to be discussed with your partner in a way that is open and engaging, cannot be met with “No.”
Granted, ‘No’ may be the conclusion two people draw together.
But if every “Do you want to…?” and “Would you be interested…?” and “Can we try…?” was met with an immediate ‘no’ response: What kind of message does that send?
.
.
.
Has it sunk in yet?
.
.
.
Not very pleasant, is it?
Repeatedly being told ‘No’ when one is trying to open up — when they are daring to be vulnerable — is a surefire way to ensure that REJECTION is the neon-red message being received, and *that* is a guaranteed way to kill a relationship. It ruins trust, encourages resentment, and quietens communication.
If, instead, “No” is taken off the table, people can discuss their ideas/interpretations of whatever Do you / Would you / Can we… is on the table without rejection, and come to a conclusion about how to proceed together.
In my current personal relationships…
The process of teaching my paramour how to communicate with me – especially considering the geographical distance between us – has really opened my eyes to what my own expectations have become where “No” is concerned, but (I think) the process has been eye-opening to him at times as well. He’s not quite gotten to where he holds back his “No” but has definitely improved on – at the very least – circling around to explain how he drew that conclusion. He’s also gotten to where he recognizes my Waiiitiiing… face when he gives me non-helpful short answers and and has learned to expound upon his initial reaction/response.
With my husband…
I’m very lucky in that my spouse very *rarely* has the inclination to tell me ‘no’. He’s always game. I consider that a gift.
- Cuffs?
- Foot play?
- Wanna indulge my funny fetish?
- What do you think about high heels?
- Do you mind if I pour wax on you?
“No” has never once left his tongue.
While the possibility exists that he would/could/might say ‘no’ eventually — after we discuss what it is that we each envision and come to a conclusion together — he has never *actually* said “No” to me. He has NEVER rejected my ideas (even when they are messy or inconvenient or don’t make sense to him), and when he has felt uncomfortable with/about something, he has stated his feelings clearly and we have talked things through from there.
This does not mean he always says “Yes” in the end.
But he doesn’t say “No.”
“No” is a shut-down word. And we try very hard – hard enough that it’s become a hard-and-fast rule – not to shut one another down.
Now this was very interesting to read. I understand this very well and know how hard it has been over the years to be able to express oneself as a sub. Absolutely forcing myself to engage in that dialogue and even, horror of horrors, occasionally initiating it.
My former mistress and my current domme know me inside out because they helped me learn to have those discussions. And one very important lesson with the current domme, she plays much harder than I was used to, leaving me with the realisation that all that dialogue and conversation was required for my own safety..
“No” is an invalid answer. “No, because of xxx and yyy” is valid.
If I still went on forums I’d be pointing the newbies at this.
Exactly! “No, because…” (or, preferably, “X and Y and Z, so therefore no”) is different than just a flat no.
And you’re right: even when there’s all the talking and explaining and reaching an understanding, things can still look/be wildly different than we anticipate.
Thanks for reading, and for your thoughtful comment. 🙂
A really interesting read, and I believe this way of not accepting ‘no’ opens up the lines of communication.
Rebel xox
Thanks. And yes: “No” is a stop word, so by not allowing no to happen, the result is that communication does NOT stop. 🙂
*holds up hands* Yeah, I said, ooh, hot! at the start of this piece, lol.
Everything you’ve said here makes perfect sense. I’m very open and happy to go into detail regarding my wants and don’t wants, but my OH is mostly closed off. The ‘no is a full sentence’ thing could easily have been penned with him in mind, and his flat out refusals really can feel like rejection. Knowing that his spectrum brain makes it hard for him to express himself does help a bit, but I do wish he would actively try to keep the line of communication open. Not just in sexual situations either. Day to day ‘nos’ can leave me feeling like a nuisance sometimes.x
Upfgh. Yes, “No” is such a shut-down word! Even when we know – intellectually – that it’s not meant as a rejection, it sure can feel like one!
And I’m totally grinning at your hand-raising. 😉
Nobody ever gets anywhere keeping their foot on the brake constantly. Great post, Feve.
Nice analogy! 🙂
Read this, then came back and read it again.
I would have viewed this very differently at the start of D/s than I do now, after over a decade in and post-trauma.
“No” shuts down connection, can feel as a rejection and doesn’t foster communication, you’ve put it all so well here.
Thank you. 🙂
Mrs.F what a great post! Quite a lot of lessons in their regarding communication and effective use of language. Thank you for posting.
We – all people, really – tend to know what we mean, and what the reasons are for our opinions/decisions/choices. But much is lost in the translation of that information, I think, when we just say “no” (or otherwise give short answers).
I think your hard and fast rule – not to shut each other down – and beginning with how you deliberately frame your discussions about new ideas or concepts with that in mind, is exactly how it should be done. Not just in D/s, either. Very well stated.
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It’s not easy; life happens and tempers shorten and sometimes one or the other of us is just NOT in the mood to discuss __________. But choosing – actively – to communicate openly has done wonders for us. (And no, not just in D/s.) 🙂
Wow. I loved this! I found it very inspirational. The idea of not shooting each other down, ever. It’s great. And such a simple way to remind yourselves to always show support first. I love it.
Thanks!
My husband is really quite wonderful about being supportive of my ideas, and not just sexually. 🙂
This is a fabulous post. I found it so interesting and you have really made me think. Some great lessons here whatever side of a relationship you are on, whether asking or answering the question. Thank you 🙂
It does sort of impact how we go about asking things or broaching new topics, though it didn’t occur to me to include that. I guess, basically, in addition to not saying “no” we also avoid questions that CAN be answered with a simple “no.” Instead, “What do you think…” or “Have you ever…” type questions are the way we roll.