What sex is REALLY like, in my world:

      34 Comments on What sex is REALLY like, in my world:
view from woman's perspective of man's hand wrapped around thigh during oral sex

Scene /ONE/

Well, I’m naked, I think. So that’s about 90% of the ‘seduction’ bit taken care of right there.

Plumping the pillows, I tick off the preparatory checklist in my mind – showered? check!, bed arranged? yep!, lube somewhere around here? ummm… yes? – and wonder what I should do to tempt the Mister into my lair boudoir mess of a bedroom. After smoothing the towel down over the pillow that will go under my bum, I opt for the tried and true: “SmotchyyyYYY!” hollered at the top of my lungs. 

When he appears in my doorway, I am laid out seductively sprawled like an awkward egret attempting to be swan-like (and failing miserably). But hey! I’m naked. And I’m clearly in a let’s-attempt-some-sexual-shenanigans position. So when, in response to the happily beamed un-question on his smiling lips I say “Um, my v’gina is clean” (I’m fresh from the shower, after all) he starts a little happy-dance jig that turns into a suave stiff-limbed stripper routine, complete with moue-faced unbuttoning of his flannel and twirling overhead of sartorial items one by one (woops! that sleeve just got caught on the ceiling fan blade…) as they come off.

Scene /TWO/

He’s managed to remove most of his clothing at this point, has likewise (miraculously!) managed not to bruise me with his knees in his awkward climbing-onto-the-bed-and-over-my-body maneuvers, and is now settled with his face between my thighs, lapping gently at my Clean V’gina® folds.

I’m a bit twitchy at this point, honestly. Tense. A little anxious. Because while I *want* this to work… Well, we don’t always get what we want, m’kay? And though it doesn’t feel bad, it also doesn’t _quite_ feel good (because, menopause and all that shite), and I don’t want him to stop exactly, but…

BUT

So there I am, trying to determine just what it is that I *do* want…

…when the cat pounces on my husband’s upturned arse.

Scene /THREE/

Sporting fresh claw marks, he returns from distracting the horrible hairy monster with a new can of food, and settles in again.

There are sweet moments in the short interlude between the restart and the eventual “Let’s try something else” (because, nope: not working!) like the way:

  • he moans into my muff(in) – that’s what he calls my lady bits sometimes, my muffin; it’s cute 🙂 – and inhales against the furred soft that adorns my mound
  • his eyes seek mine then close in a blissed-out drunk-on-the-taste-of-me way
  • our fingers entwine on either side of my thighs, creating a Love You link between us as we both try our best to… to…

Well. To make sure the other one knows we’re Really Trying™, I guess.

*laugh*

But it’s not really working.

We’re not done – though we will get done, as in we will each eventually ‘finish’ in the traditional little death messy/moan-y kind of way – but it’s sure as heck not going to finish like this.

*********************

And *this* is what it’s really like.

Yes, sex between us can be beautiful and connected and kinky and wondrous and emotionally reaffirming.

But really…

Perhaps even mostly…

Sex is just awkward.

Sex is… Well, it’s kind of ridiculous in its own right, what with all the knees and hips and damp parts and elbows and dangly bits trying (vying?) for the correct/workable/un-painful position.

But then the cat digs his claws into someone’s ass and the saliva starts feeling like sandpaper and Oh crap, now my knee has gone numb and…

AND AND AND

Well.

You get the point, I think.

A w k w a r d

So in case anyone out there has experiences like this and doesn’t know if they’re doing it right or aren’t quite certain how to proceed once they’ve stopped stabbing one another with their angled joints and poking each other in the nose/mouth/belly button with their extremities:

You’re not alone.

Rock on with your bad awkward self. 😉

{Oh, and laugh. Because if you can’t laugh about the fun/ny stuff, what can you laugh about?}

34 thoughts on “What sex is REALLY like, in my world:”

  3. Marie Rebelle

    Laugh, indeed, just laugh… because what else is there to do when sex is awkward, when we really try but it’s just not working. Getting angry isn’t going to fix it, right? So laugh, and let the laughing together be the intimate blanket that envelops us both 🙂

    Rebel xox

    Reply ↓
    1. Mrs Fever Post author

      I’ve never been an angry person; it’s not an emotion that appeals to me.

      Humor, though… Laughing, finding the ‘funny’ in things… That, I ‘get’. I can’t imagine being in a relationship without it.

      Reply ↓
  4. Nora

    ROFL! … and all that maneuvering and jiggling and jaggling about gets even MORE awkward when you add the lack of agility senior age brings just a little later down the timeline of life … the fact we keep at it no matter how ridiculous it sometimes gets, must count for something :>)) … nj … xx

    Reply ↓
    1. Mrs Fever Post author

      Oy. Yes, the cat…

      It was, in some ways, worse when we had a dog. She was always embarrassed when her humans got naked and would slink away in horror whenever we DID anything with our naked bits. *laugh*

      Reply ↓
  6. Modesty Ablaze

    Absolutely brilliant . . . just wonderful . . . made me laugh out loud whilst nodding along all the while.

    Just fabulous . . . and yes, Yes . . . YES . . . to “laugh at the fun stuff” . . . Always !!!

    Xxx – K

    Reply ↓
  8. chris

    I think that might be the main point of good sex– some one to be awkward with and still enjoy it- who, no matter whether you’re legs a-splay while your nose is running like a snowy creek while you’re emanating bowel-like sounds and noxious green gas still finds you fucking irresistible. That’s LOVE, buddy. 😀

    Reply ↓
  9. Floss

    I love this so much, it is beautiful in such a wonderful way. I think most of life is like this, just a bit awkward and sent to try us, but laughing through it all with someone and enjoying yourself that to me seems like the most wonderful thing of all x
    Floss recently posted…[Life] Making MemoriesMy Profile

    Reply ↓
  11. Brigit Delaney

    Unfortunately, I think erotica writers (ahem) are just as guilty as porn for making people feel insecure about their sexuality and sexual experiences. In our defense, however, we want to write “sexy” not ridiculous…though ridiculous is more often what we get. This post made me laugh out loud, because I totally get the cat. Our animals mess up sex all the time. Maybe we should all address the real awkwardness of sex more often.

    Reply ↓
  12. kisungura

    I was absolutely chuckling at this and nodding right along with the others. I love the laughter and that’s an important reminder to me, so I thank you for that x

    Reply ↓

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    1. Mrs Fever Post author

      “Truth is stranger than fiction” is the oft-quoted Mark Twain adage; in (my) reality, you could substitute ‘funnier’ for ‘stranger’ and arrive at the truth. 😉

      Thanks for reading (and relating)!

      Reply ↓
  16. Jupiter Grant

    This! Oh, this all the way! I’ve been cackling away reading this. It’s so relatable. The latest of my /our awkward moments involve not a cat, but my severe hip cramp that seems to always set in at the point of orgasm. Poor man can’t tell nowadays if I’m crying from pleasure or pain!!
    Fantastic post, Mrs Fever. 👏👏👏

    Reply ↓
    1. Mrs Fever Post author

      Yes, I can totally relate to that! I once got a charlie horse in my foot (my FOOT! of all places) right on the verge of climax. There was some very confused yowling with that one! *laugh*

      Reply ↓

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