Mismatched

While I’m fortunate in that my spouse and I are well matched in many ways — not so much are we the same (how dull that would be!) as that we ‘get’ each other and provide well for one another’s needs and desires — it occurred to me recently that, even though we’ve accommodated one another’s needs sexually over the years, we are an odd combination of both ‘well-matched’ sexually -and- mismatched where libido is concerned.

When we first got together, the drive part of the sex engine was pretty much running at full throttle between us. We were (and still are) great friends, attracted to one another, fairly well lubricated (*laugh*), and had a tendency toward speed. Conjugal relations took place at least daily for the majority of the first few years; satisfaction was never a question, and neither was enjoyment.

When he turned 50, though, some of that started to change. Looking back at that time, we know now that it was a combination of things — {1} the natural lowering of testosterone that happens when men are that age (andropause is a real thing), combined with {2} the worsening toll taken on his energy/stamina as a result of his kidney disease, compounded by {3} some personal struggles he was going through — that made his libido crash and burn. At the time, though, it was as though somebody had hit the parking brake while the motor was running in 5th gear. I was still going full speed ahead (partly due to the high-testosterone side effect of having PCOS) and he – suddenly, inexplicably – full-on STOPPED.

We worked through it. In some ways healthily and in other ways not so much. But work through it we did.

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[ASIDE: One of the results of that ‘working through’ is what led us to experiment with ancillary partners, first via swinging (which… I’ve actually written very little about that, come to think of it; we had a threesome as a part of that adventure, but for the most part it was a short study in full-consent exhibitionism and episodic same-room sex — ‘full swap’ was never our thing) and later with polyamory.]

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Mostly we came to the “within-our-relationship” conclusion that when he had a sexual urge, he would come to me with it. And when I had one (and the desire ratio at that time of him:me was about 1:10), I would just take care of myself.

Meanwhile, as his libido continued to decline throughout his 50s, my own libido started to take a nosedive when I hit my 40s. It was the lessening of sexual desire (and the resultant difficulty with achieving orgasm, which later became difficulty achieving wetness and then a sort of Why bother? apathy about the whole process) that signaled the switch from PCOS to peri-menopause, but at the time it didn’t matter a whole lot. He was on dialysis…

(I made him cum once with a full peritoneal dose inside him. It was fascinating.)

…and so with the trickle-to-a-stop desire I (wasn’t) feeling and the medically-induced nevermind that he was feeling, we rode the same libido wavelength for a short while.

And then he had his kidney transplant.

Which now means that — two years later (I can’t believe it’s been two years!) and fully recovered — he is back to the libido levels he had at 50 (which at the time was far less than where I was, remember) and I am about as turned-on as an iceberg.

I’m not willing to be like, “Oh go ahead and masturbate if you want to!” though. Because, NO.

*laugh*

There is the orgasm control thing but there is also a “channel your sex energy into a different kind of productive energy” thing that is important to/for him, so NO.

But he – thankfully – gets all kinds of excited if *I* masturbate (which usually happens at random intervals, often in the middle of the night or in the early dark hours after waking from erotic dreams), and even more excited if I suddenly/unexpectedly take my surges of friskyness out on him. (After my recent experiment with masturbatory penetration, I took the experiment a step farther and switched from my glass imitation to the real thing. He was delighted, to say the least. I was… Well. I was sore. *laugh* Which is why I’ve taken to reminding him before trips to the store — even though we always forget while we’re out — that “we need lube!”)

So right now we’re at a him:me desire ratio of about 32:1.

Which means we’re definitely mismatched.

: sigh :

I’ve read that, for many women (women who have normal periods their entire lives and may otherwise suffer from low libido in their youth — which is not me), peri-menopause puts a spike in their drive.

I’ve also read that women who experience a STOP in libido during their menopausal years sometimes get their sex drive back once they are post-menopausal.

Given my reproductive health history, it’s hard to know how the cards will fall for me.

It’s also hard to know how things will work (or stop working?) for my spouse.

The best I can hope for, I think, is that – whatever the result may eventually be – my hubby and I will continue to be well-matched…

And where libido is concerned,

maybe ONE of these days,

we will no longer be mismatched.

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This post was brought about – somewhat indirectly and via the roundabout route my thoughts traveled, after ruminating on this post about the loss of “visibility” women experience as they age. I also found my experience of sex drive to be vastly different than what was expounded upon in this post about peri-menopause, which made me want to examine one of the ways sex drive (and the mismatch thereof) has played a role in my marital relationship.

Also with a nod to Marie Rebelle at Rebel’s Notes and to Brigit Delaney, who have both tackled the topic of mismatched libido in their marriages several times over the course of developing their blogs.