You know how, previously, I just figured my vagina was sprained?
Well, NOW I think my vagina has arthritis.
Because you know how, when you have arthritis — in your hands, for instance — everything is just kind of cramped and sore and even though sometimes you can massage your joints a little to ease the ache, it’s just generally a low-level discomfort all the time? And sometimes – like when it’s freezing cold outside and you’re in the middle of a snow storm, for instance – there can be a bit of throbbing soreness or even shooting pains? And sometimes in that situation, a bit of heat will help, or applying pressure can ease the achy-ness, or whatever. But sometimes, NOPE.
Yep, that’s where my vagina is at these days.
Let’s take last night, for instance.
I was lying in bed under about 47 layers of blankets (hello, winter snowstorm!) and the rest of my body was fairly well relaxed. But inside my body — like, gastroenterology-wise and vaginal-spasm-al wise — was super uncomfortable.
So at first I was like, Well I guess I shouldn’t have eaten that pie after all.
But then I kind of ‘tuned in’ to what was going on and I realized that the grumbly pangs of discomfort I was feeling were NOT coming from my gut.
They were coming from my SNATCH.
Like, up inside me where my vaginal walls *would* be gripping/tightening against a penis (if I allowed one inside me), I was experiencing… I dunno.. cramps(?)… or shooting pains(?)… or something.
And it was damned uncomfortable.
So I tried to reposition myself, right? Thinking if I could just rearrange my outer body then my inner body would stop shouting at me.
NOPE.
Then I was like, What do I do when I have this kind of feeling in my left arm? (I have tendinitis in my left forearm.) And from that, I thought, “Maybe I should rub myself.”
(Not like that.)
(Not at first, anyway.)
So I tried kind of… massaging(?), I guess… my mons, thinking that since an outer massage works to calm down the pangs when the inner arm is shooting darts at my nerves that the same concept should apply to my vagina.
No such luck.
And no way was I going to stick anything up in there to try to ‘massage’ my arthritic vag that way. Despite the whole, “Oh by the way, we had sex” thing that happened in Arizona, I still experience pain to pretty significant degree with that. So penetration (fingers, toys, dicks — doesn’t matter) is still largely off the table.
At which point, I (reluctantly) resorted to massaging my clit instead.
Which worked for some reason.
The cramping pangs stopped in fairly short order.
But then I had a lovely (read: not lovely, not lovely AT ALL) flare-up of arthritic pains in my hand as a result.
(Transference, perhaps?)
Anywhoo…
Seeing as it’s the holiday season, I have sort of had a Dickensian post in mind about the Ghost of Penetration Past. But considering that anything I might write along those lines would definitely be about the past, I figured I would instead write about the Ghost of Vagina Pangs Present.
And I’m pretty sure that my vagina — at present — has arthritis.
.
How are your fiddly bits feeling these days, hmmm?
It’s like I used to hear my mom say a lot: “This getting old crap is for the birds!” I read this and thought, “Damn… Mrs. Feve can’t win for losing with this one!” While, um, trying not let my smirky smile turn into laughter but, yeah, not really funny… but I could see you in your mind taking care of that, uh, arthritis issue down there and now having to do something about your hand hurting…
*laugh*
Wulp, for what it’s worth, I have had the whole shooting-pain-in-my-vagina thing.
Scared the crap out of me the first time it happened – I thought SP & I had ruptured something. But I have come to accept that it’s just one of those bloody STOOPID things my body enjoys doing to me every now and again.
I have no words of wisdom for care, prophylactic or otherwise – it just acts up and I grit my teeth and wait it out.
But I’m here with you, sister. T’ain’t fun.
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I figured this was “a thing.” It’s happened to me a few times now but usually it’s brief. This last bout was much longer-lasting (therefore extending the discomfort) than before.
Grrr–!!!
Oh dear, I was just bemoaning the thought that my thumb feels arthritic. Now you’ve given me bigger things to worry about. I am sorry about the discomfort, but I confess you did make me laugh.
Hahaha! Yes, weelll…
It *is* funny when it’s not hurting. Lol.
I have nothing to say to this. Nada. Zilch. I can’t say anything clever about this um, condition. I wish I knew. And I wish I don’t now have this impending fear of it happening to me.
BUT can I just say i was grinning throughout this whole post? Thankfully it’s gone now. And isn’t an achy thumb better than an achy snatch? I mean, you can rub some counterpain on the thumb at least. heh.
Small victories. *laugh*
I think if rubbing hurts your hands, then you need someone else to rub for you. (Certainly not the worst request a woman can make.) Good luck with the pain.
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There is that, I suppose! 🙂
Oh my word, this made me giggle! I mean, not AT you or your terribly sad (though relatable) predicament. But at the humor with which you express it, as usual (and as appreciated).
I used to have terrible pains like these during my periods. Aching pain that throbbed and was only made worse by insertion/penetration of any type. I haven’t experiences that since the first year after my hysterectomy (except when having sex with men who now hit *the end* – because now there is one – of my canal…and that hurts like a bitch). I do not look forward to return of vaginal pain, and luckily this fun little symptom has not become a part of my perimenopausal symphony.
Thanks again, for keeping it real…and funny as hell. I mean, we gotta laugh right? Or we’d just cry.
EXACTLY. *laugh* (instead of cry)
My Queen experiences similar issues with penetration all of a sudden. The Gyno is trying some things that are supposed to fix the issue, but so far success has been limited.
The pain with penetration – for me – is a menopause thing. My GYN did not offer any solutions beyond “take your time” and “use lube.” My regular doc thinks it’s tied to being cold/having tightened-up muscles.
The shooting-pain thing is newer and it doesn’t happen during sex, it just happens out of the blue. At least this time I was at home in bed. It’s happened before while I was working or driving the car. So…
Who knows.
My Queen’s pain seems to be linked to menopause. He’s trying some hormonal things with her. We have tried the lots of time thing and the lube… what it really means is that intercourse is losing in importance.
Yep — intercourse holds approximately zero importance for me at this point. Non-painful forms of sexual fun are… well… much more fun. 😉
You made me laugh, Feve, even though I know I shouldn’t laugh at this kinda discomfort. I’ve had it too at times, that it really cramps inside and nothing I do relieves it!
~ Marie xox
Well, there’s no point in NOT laughing about it! Lol. At least it isn’t only a “me” thing!
LMAO I love your sense of humor and how you convey it with words that make me think.
Recently, I was having some very weird pains down there as well. Shooting pains darting in the weirdest patterns. The worst were hitting me between my outer lips and my inner leg and then shooting UP over my shoulder. WTF?! It was driving me nuts (no nuts involved ,however, or fingers, or anything for that matter. Didn’t keep me from fishing. Real fishing, I mean, not fishing up my twat.) Anyway, I went to the gynecologist because of it and other cramping and pain. I looked and felt like a nutjob. I was really nervous because I suck at handling medical stuff. Anyway, I wanted to tell the doc that I promise I am qualified to teach his kids Algebra through Calculus, it’s just this medical crap freaks me out. LOL His conclusion about my pain was that is is my BACK. I was diagnosed many years ago with a degenerating disc, but it hasn’t given me much problem since so I forgot about it. So my vagina is in my back or up my ass or something. I dunno. I had to stop lifting heavy tools and furniture and stuff I’d been doing all summer. It went away. Who knew I could have just rubbed my clit? Hmph.
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Hahaha! Ermagherd. LOL.
Okay, that was funny. NOT funny that you were experiencing weird pain, but in the description. It never occurred to me that my vagina might be up my ass. *laugh*