{a}sexual being

Asexual?

Changes

Once upon a time, if “Sex?” was the question, then the answer was “YES.”

These days though, with my libido stuck in the quicksand quagmire of menopause-induced sexual discomfort, I am finding that my once-“YES”, then later mostly-“maybe” (or “maybe later”), has turned to “…why…?”

As in: Why should I put effort into something that either {a} is a complete non-starter for me, or {b} is something that — if I *do* bother to start — I have a hard time finishing?

And I’m not talking about neglecting my partner here. He might get less attention from me than he used to, but he DOES get sexual attention from me. (I shouldn’t have to say that, and quite frankly his sexual enjoyment is not what this post is about. But it NEVER FAILS that somebody reading will get all huffy about how my menopausal ‘meh’ is not fair to my spouse. So I’m saying it. He’s fine. And if you’re considering a critique of my ‘wifely duties’, just do me a favor and fuck the hell off.)

I’m talking about ME.

Because this gradual decline I’ve been on over the past few years seems to have simultaneously {1} hit rock bottom, and {2} evened out.

Sex — or, “Sex?” — does nothing for me.

Which… I feel like I should have feelings about that.

Strong ones.

But really…

?

No.

Not really.

If I feel anything at all, I’d say it’s apathy.

A sexual being? Or… Asexual being?

The term asexual is one that can confuse people. It is sometimes misused and — perhaps more often — misunderstood. The English-ism of negating a concept by placing an ‘a’ in front of the known word is at play here — as in asexual means “without sexual feelings” or “nonsexual” — but it is quite often interpreted in terms of another English-ism: that of using ‘a’ to signify abnormality (arrhythmia being abnormal rhythm of the heartbeat, for example).

For me, though…

If it’s a label that fits…

[ IF !!! ]

I dunno. I think it’s kinda both ‘a’s.

Like, I definitely feel asexual right now in terms of NOT. I do NOT have sexual thoughts or feelings — at least not very often or (when the do occur) for very long — and I am NOT sexually attracted to/by anyone (excepting my spouse, who — AGAIN — is just fine) anything.

The latter is not all that unusual for me; I’ve always been a need-to-know-you person where attraction is concerned and while reading ‘erotic’ writings can sometimes be an interesting exercise in terms of getting into other people’s heads, it’s never been a turn-on for me. But the former? To NOT have sexual feelings, to NOT experience desire? To not only NOT want penetration (understandably, I’d think, given all that I’ve written about the pain issue) but also to NOT want — to not have the drive — to orgasm? That’s the other kind of ‘a’-negative for me: It’s abnormal.

But this ‘abnormality’ seems to have become my norm.

Once upon a time, I was a sexual being. Now though, I think the appropriate nomer would be: asexual being.

The State of Affairs

I have had two orgasms thus far in 2022.

Two.

Both at my own hands, so to speak.

Neither particularly enjoyable, neither easy to achieve.

One was on a night when I was so tightly wound that there was no way I could possibly get to sleep without an endorphin flood. And since I used to (gawd, ‘used to’ seems so long ago) be able to drift off easily if I could cum-coax my body into sleep-compliance during the wee hours, I thought I’d give it a go.

It was a frustrating exercise, honestly.

But I got there eventually.

And after I ‘got there’, I got to sleep.

So: goal achieved.

The second self-gasm was the result of a midnight vaginal arthritis attack. Like… My inners (not innards!) were experiencing seriously agitating cramp-like shooting pains that no change of position would alleviate.

That orgasm was slightly more enjoyable, in that it started as a ‘massage’ and the end result was the elimination of pain.

But it was work.

Both of my orgasms were work.

They were functional.

Or – depending on how you view it, I guess – they were dysfunctional.

A Question of Making Changes

I’m kind of in a weird place with all this.

Like, I feel like I should be unhappy about it, but I’m not. And it’s not that I’m enjoying the current state of affairs, but I’m just…

Ambivalent.

Which means — just being real, here — that I lack motivation to change things.

But at the same time I feel like maybe I should… I dunno… Do something(?)

WHAT though?

I have gone for long spells without sexual activity in the past — mostly due to the absence of a partner — and then had no problem ‘getting back in the saddle’ so to speak. But during those previous off/on times, I never completely lost my interest in sex.

I have also gone through dry spells in my marriage before — not only because of our mismatched libidos but because of physical limitations that one or the other of us was experiencing at the time — and the reality of the past 20 years (longer, actually, because I was like this before I met my husband too) is: The more sex I have, the more I want. The less I have it, the less I desire it.

Which means I know, on some level, that if I can just… get… s t a r t e d . . .

That there is a possibility that, with regular ‘practice’, I can keep going.

The little engine that could…

Only this ‘engine’ is an old-fashioned fire engine.

And her tank is drained dry. (Which makes it impossible for the hose to squirt. *laugh*)

Anyway.

I’m kind of thinking of an experiment. But I have to have no pressure about it. Not from myself or from anybody else.

A ‘regular’ (timing-wise, not ‘normal’-like) pleasure experiment.

I wonder if that would make a difference.