Sexperimental Orgasm

“What do you want to use?” he asks, pulling battery-operated toys out of the bottom drawer one at a time and testing them to see if they will still turn on.

Much like we are about to test whether *I* will still ‘turn on’.

“A vibrator, I think.”

The choice is the only one that makes sense to me, as penetrative toys are not likely to feel pleasurable right now. With the vibes, at least I can change speed and pressure and sort of ‘nudge’ my nubby — that’s our nickname for my clit: nubby — to try to wake it up.

Truthfully, I’m a little nervous about trying this.

Our pre-experiment conversation covered a lot of ground in a short period of time — “I’m satisfied with our sex life” coming from my husband; “I don’t know if I’m going to get my libido back” my own concern; no pressure and it’s okay if this sexperiment doesn’t end in orgasm the attitudes we take — and in the lead-up to this ‘try’ I’ve been actively trying to tune in to my body on a daily basis, asking myself questions that require somatic concentration: things like What do I feel, right now, in this moment? -and- When I think of a ‘good’ sexual experience from my past, what kind of response do my senses give?

He brings me my turquoise PicoBong, lays in opposite head-to-toe observant stance beside me and – kissing the tips of my toes – watches while I set out to find my pleasure.

At first, even though the buzzing sensations feel… nice(?)… they aren’t really inducing any ‘awakening’ responses from my clit.

But then, with a slight turn of my wrist and the exertion of more pressure…

Yes, definitely awake.

My “Oh!” of surprise followed by a laughing, “It’s working!” is greeted with an equally surprised-but-happy response from my spouse.

Wanting to know if he can help in any way — “Besides kissing your toes, I mean… I’m pretty sure it’s the toe kisses that did it!” he teases — I invite him to insert a finger.

One.

(One is *quite* enough right now.)

And with his eagerly compliant digit tapdancing against my g-spot while I chase my ever-moving almost-tickle of pleasure around the surface of my clit, I experiment with movement and pressure while I do my utmost best to relax the rest of my body into bonelessness, focusing all my energy on NOT chasing my orgasm…

.

.

.

…and instead, I let it come to me.