I can feel my orgasm — the start of it, the slow burning knot of beginning to unfurl behind my navel — at the same time I feel my stomach muscles protest at the tension I am pushing through them; I am still recovering from surgical slices, but I know the aches – though not the stings – will recede if I can just… get…
There.
And so I relax, to the best of my ability, all the muscles that I can: my torso unflexes one segment at a time and my back un-tightens, even as my forearm stays in place over my hip bone and my middle finger exerts swirling pressure against my clit.
Breathing in, I tighten a new muscle group — engaging my thighs — and cast about my imagination for something that will help me stay relaxed in all the right places while I coax my orgasm out from its want-to-but-not-quite position underneath my skin. I need to soften. To float, to lay back, to give over push-pull-flex erotic burden to another entity.
And so, I imagine a dragon.
One that is holding me, prone, somehow light enough around my waist with its claws that I can’t feel it, but strong. One whose cock is entering me slowly while my thighs lift and my knees and calves wrap themselves around its waist.
Oh… I think as I relax with a slightly befuddled sense of erotic delight, This will do nicely.
~~~~~~~~~~
I don’t know why I ever started imagining dragons, but since the first time it happened, I’ve found that variations on the theme of Sex With Dragons has entered my mind more than once.
I tend to ‘go there’ mentally during times I’m struggling to orgasm¹, and only when I’m masturbating. It’s a matter of giving over control, to a degree, I think. Of taking the ‘work’ of gaining release — often the physical work, because I do this infrequently but when I do I tend to be experiencing exhaustion or pain — and placing it in someone else’s realm of responsibility. (Or something else’s.) And even though I’m clearly the person still doing the work in terms of positioning my body (or relaxing it) and stimulating my clit, being able to mentally shift that responsibility — to imagine being held up, for instance, of to conjure the idea of clawed hands encasing my waist — somehow helps me to channel the energy I’m using for tensing and just relax.
I’ve long known that relaxing into it is the best way to get an orgasm to come to me (rather than chasing after it, which takes quite a bit more energy), but relaxation has taken on a whole new role in my journey toward sexual satisfaction since I started addressing my sexual pain. Because for the majority of my sexual life — nearly 30 years of penetrative sexual activity, especially — I’ve always tensed as a way of seeking pleasure. When I hit a plateau, I clench a muscle group. If I hold hard enough I can get past the ledge and on to the next level.
And on. Again. Etcetera.
Until I gain release.
But now, because *holding tension* in my pelvic muscles has been the physical cause of so much sexual stress, I am working to un-learn that lifetime behavior and when I start to feel the orgasm building, I know I need to relax rather than tense up.
It’s not easy.
When I’m with my husband, we work together — recently we had our first penetrative success post-therapy, and it was only with a single finger, but let’s just say Hellooooo, progress! — and because he is there and we are communicating during physical interactive contact, it’s a different experience all together. It’s much easier to relax.
But when I’m alone, it’s a learning curve.
Often (still), I just don’t bother. It’s not like I have a red-hot libido all of a sudden. It’s not even like a spark, honestly. More of… More like an ash that remembers it’s an ember(?)
But when I *do* go seeking an orgasm, I sometimes need help getting over the hump of want-to-but-know-I-can’t when it comes to tensing up.
And so I use my imagination.
Which means — for some crazy reason — I imagine dragons.
.
Imagine Dragons is the name of a music group, and since I *do* imagine dragons (and I also like a few of the band’s songs²), I thought I’d borrow their name for the title of this post.
.
¹That is, when I actually *want* to orgasm — which is a place I’m finally getting to again after all my months of menopausal ‘meh’.
²I used their lyrics in a post earlier this month and one of their songs is on an F/m playlist I created.