No Fear

“What are you afraid of?”

As questions go, it’s not a bad one. It was couched, however, as “Other than something happening to Smotch… What are you afraid of?”

Which just did NOT work for me.

Because {a} I married Smotch knowing that he had a life-threatening medical condition¹, so it makes no sense that I’d be afraid of ‘something happening’ to him because ‘something’ had been happening to him for the entire duration of our relationship, and {b} ‘something’ in those kinds of euphemistic statements usually means ‘death’, which is not something I happen to be afraid of.

So my initial reaction to that question was, “You really don’t know me AT ALL, do you?”

(I was nice enough not to say that at the time in response to the person who asked. But we *did* have a conversation about making assumptions.)

I don’t really remember what my response was beyond that, at the time.

I *do* think about Fear, though. In a conscious, analytical way. And I wonder what I’m afraid of.

I’m not afraid of ‘typical’ things. Like, I don’t have fears about ‘something happening’ to the people I care about. Sickness does not faze me. Disease is just a fact of life. Big Things — things that are typically Big Scary Things like that — are just things you have to be big about dealing with. Death is coming for us all, eventually. It’s how you live until you die that matters, I think. And I do not live in fear like that.

But then again, I *am* afraid of ‘typical’ things. Things that lots of people are afraid of. You’re never going to find me cuddling a spider or making kissy-faces at a snake, for instance. I dislike horror stories and have no interest in scary movies.

For the most part though, my fears — if I have them — are healthy.

As in: I understand that driving a vehicle comes with some level of risk. I don’t speed or make rash decisions while driving. Nor do I use my phone while I’m behind the wheel. I’m cautious because I have a healthy fear of being incautious while driving.

If that makes sense.

I don’t smoke. I don’t drink much. Illicit drugs have never been part of my personal program. Not because there isn’t pleasure (of a kind) to be found in those things — I’m sure there is, though I don’t see how feeling out of control would ever be pleasurable for me personally; everybody (and every body) is different however, so to each their own — but because I have a healthy fear of the repercussions of those indulgences, and I have no wish to be a statistic.

I am a little bit afraid for things, I think. Not of things.

For example, I fear for the health and safety of my nieces and nephews, because I know what they were born into and I’m afraid that the combination of familial problems, hereditary issues, and outside influence will overwhelm them. One of my brother’s sons committed suicide last year. My sister’s daughter has been in and out of inpatient mental health facilities for the past two years. My other brother just had another baby (20 years and 4 baby mamas later), and that brother’s oldest daughter — who inherited his genetic cocktail plus her mother’s and who, as a result, has a slew of mental health issues of her own — just had a baby too, and is completely unequipped to care for him.

So yeah, I’m afraid for them. For all of them. I’m afraid for their mental wellness and their safety.

But I’m not afraid afraid.

When I think about it, I think, “Wow. That’s gonna be tough.” But I don’t think about it much. And I definitely don’t actively worry about it. Because it’s outside my control.

What am I afraid of, then?

In my current circumstances, not much.

In a general sort of way, I’m afraid of poverty. Because I’ve experienced it and I didn’t like it. But I don’t fear it. I know how to manage budgets, and I keep mine well under control. I have safeguards in place against job loss and disability. There is money in the bank.

I suppose you could say those things are true because of fear(?), but it’s kind of like my vehicle example further above: I have a healthy fear of __________, therefore I am cautious.

Things that people may sometimes be afraid of, like walking alone in the dark or being physically attacked… Well, I live in a pretty safe place and even though some of the places I travel to for work are not exactly in the best neighborhoods, I take precautions. (And I know judo.) So I’m aware of the potential danger{s} in my environment, but I’m not afraid.

So I kinda think that, along with my No Regrets frame of thinking, I also have a No Fear approach to life.

Except for one thing.

I have an irrational fear of running out of books to read. (Which is why I have hundreds of them shelved in my house.) *laugh*

How about you?

{How} Do you think about fear?

What are you afraid of?

……….

¹If you are new here, or are otherwise unaware: My husband has a kidney disease. He had a transplant in 2019 and is doing very well right now. But we’ve lived with the realities of kidney failure for our entire 20-year relationship. And one of those realities is that, at any time, ‘something’ could happen to him.