So I’ve been meaning to write about my unsexed sexual organs for a long while now but every time I think I should revisit the whole Vaginal Therapy conversation, something new comes up/distracts me/convinces me I shouldn’t. And by ‘comes up’ I do not mean any part of my husband’s anatomy (though that seems to be working just fine; ridiculously so — “It’s okay,” he said to me the other night when after working my hands over his flesh for long enough to give myself finger cramps, I gave him the look. “I already came twice today.”1) Also, by ‘distracts me’ I do not mean ‘holds my attention in a sexual way’.
I seriously think the days of having an attention span related to sex are over. Perhaps my days of having sex, period, are over? I dunno.
But while contemplating that very real possibility a few nights ago, I also got to contemplating life. And my {previous} {sex} life.
And I felt a very urgent urgency to bitch slap the universe.
Because as soon as I was feeling more “in my body” (and you’ll either get that or you won’t; I am not going to elaborate) and feeling willing to try some sexual penetrative activities post-therapy, I had surgery. The surgery itself was a good thing (read: painful, horribly infected organ was removed from my body), but the recovery was loooonnng. The soreness was lingering, the restriction of comfortable movement was stress inducing, the desire to utilize my vaginal muscles in any way that involved sex or sexual activity was non-existent.
And yeah, okay, MAYBE I could have gotten into the idea of poking about down in the nether regions in a sexy-fied way once I *was* finally healed except that there was the whole recurring migraine headache thing. (Which, actually… I probably could have tried the oral medication that worked so well all those years ago when this most recent problem cropped up. But it didn’t occur to me.2)
It did occur to me to investigate my nethers recently, however, in a functional-orgasm attempt to get to sleep, and while doing so I was thinking fabulously un-sexy thoughts, like “I have to remember to take those picked pears to school next week” and “I wish good bras weren’t so expensive” — the latter thought brought on by being reminded via skin skimming that my breasts have shrunk; hooray, menopause! — and then, “I think the little fat pockets that fell out of my boobs somehow landed in my snatch.”
Because I don’t remember my labia being quite so fleshy before.
And now my flaps are kinda fat.
*shrug*
A n y w a y
As I said at the beginning of this post: I keep meaning to write about my sexless sexual organs. But I don’t have a whole lot to say.
And with life continually throwing other completely unrelated and unsexy things3 my way…
I guess it’s just gonna stay that way.
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1Needless to say, orgasm control is NOT in practice at the moment. And, as of that particular moment last week, my hands are also no longer in practice. They are going on a long, restful vacation.
2And this is where I’m at with pretty much All The Sex StuffTM right now. It just doesn’t occur to me.
3Exhibit 1: My car broke down on a multi-state road trip. I had to leave it at a repair shop in a city 550 miles from where I live and fly home. I am flying back again tomorrow to pick it up post-repair and drive it home. OBVIOUSLY this has me thinking sexy thoughts.4
4And if you believe that (the ‘sexy’ part), I have some lovely oceanfront property I’d like to sell you, located in the heart of Kentucky.
Do you want to feel sexy again despite this stuff? Men tend to lose their shit just thinking about (a) not being able to have sex and (b) no longer wanting to but there’s a bunch of stuff that supposedly revives the drive… for men; anything devised for women has a lot of lethality attached to it that makes women say that it’s not worth doing those thing just to revive their own drive.
Is it the mental things that are now the barrier or is it the flesh just not being willing because good fitting bras are stupidly expensive?
It’s not important to me to “feel sexy” but it is important to me to acknowledge what I do feel, even if that’s just “meh.” Physically things function (though I don’t know if that’s true for anything penetrative) but are not fun. I miss the sexy fun to some degree — though I still have fun with my hubby, just differently — but mostly it’s just an acknowledgment that things are different.
I also don’t think women get a lot of “this is how it is” information about menopause and I know that when I went looking for information about pelvic floor therapy, there was nothing. So if I can put something Real out into the world and have a sense of humor about it, it might make a real difference to someone out there who needs to read it.
Everything is about circumstances and the choices we make regarding them. If it’s not important to change things, then there is no reason to try. However, is it possible that by bringing this up at all, let alone in a post, there might be more going on? Perhaps disappointment has triggered a defense of mitigating how much you might actually want to get back to where you used to be? I only say that because I have several issues, some of which you might recall from my blog, and other new ones (the main one being a schedule shift here that has resulted in a crippling lack of privacy), that have me feeling similarly. The thing is, deep down, despite feeling like “meh, I can live without this sex stuff” I kind of know that I don’t really want to. And I think a lot of my own reluctance is feeling like I’ll go through all the trouble to jump start the engine, only to encounter roadblock upon roadblock so that I just end up more frustrated rather than less. But in my own head, I know I’m just sort of settling rather than solving.
We are complicated creatures.
Perhaps.
I don’t know if I’m disappointed. I do know that on some level I’m confused. Knowing how “on” I once was, I just don’t ‘get’ my body’s complete 180. I think I expected it to turn itself back around by now. But it hasn’t.
I get intermittent power surges (as opposed to jump starts — “trying” only aggravates me) and I take advantage of them when they happen. I will continue to do so, I guess.
I totally understand schedule and privacy issues. Especially if/when those changes disrupt preferred roles.
I can relate to functional orgasms to assist in sleep induction. I feel like these outnumber the sexy time ones. Also, it’s not like we’ve had a lot of sexy time (except for on vacation) cos my home isn’t exactly conducive anymore. hasn’t been for a while.
Thank you for sharing. The pre-menopause is a cruel thing. I imagine the actual having menopaused isn’t much better and will come with its own set of annoyances.
I’m getting to where even functional orgasms are just too damned difficult to bother with.
Melatonin is my friend.