Squirting. It’s not just for vaginas anymore.

Oh, no.  It’s for other orifices too, my friends.

Ohhh, yes.

Here’s how you do it:

Next time you’re in bed, laying prone in your post-orgasmic flopped-out half-dead pose, gasping for breath like a dry-mouthed fish, try this:

  1. Ask your lover for water.
  2. Don’t bother to sit up while trying to drink it.  Just go ahead and continue to lay on your back like the jelly-legged sexy slug you are.
  3. When it goes down the wrong pipe, bolt upright.  Start coughing violently, squirting aforementioned water out your nose and spitting it all over his face and chest.
  4. Congratulate him on making you squirt.

Easy, peasy.

Heh.

Wot?

*blinking innocently*

IT WORKS!

(I know this because I tried it.  Recently.  Like, last weekend.)

Oh, but that’s not all.  Not by a long shot.

Read on for the schmexy!

SEDUCTION 101:  FEVE STYLE

As you may well imagine, I am a total nobhead smooth operator (I put the oot in smooth, baybeh!) when it comes to matters of seduction.  And, in the spirit of sharing, I have decided to post my tried-and-true techniques for Making Him Want You (To Leave).

TIP THE FIRST:  Is that a Pink Panther in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? ~ While practicing your best Clouseau impression, complete with upturned nose and affected speech, make random comments about bumps (beumps).  Later, when you’re feeling randy, benevolently offer to inspect his “little beump.”  {Warning:  Not for the faint of ego.}  While he is stricken speechless, take the opportunity to keep his mouth closed with kisses.  Soon, things will be going ‘beump’ in the night.

Pink Panther Mrawr

DOS (eee-Doh!):  Drowning is now a recommended part of *this* healthy breakfast. ~ When dining in the A.M. hours, allow your sex-addled brain to send crossed signals to your twitchy post-orgasmic limbs and while reaching for the pepper shaker, shove your full glass of ice water toward your partner.  Mmmm…  Spillage.  While not quite as effective as orifice squirting (see above), it will definitely get his attention.  And make him think of wet things.  Like your pussy.  😀  WIN!

Spilled Water = Wet Pussy OBVIOUSLY

Spilled Water = Wet Pussy
OBVIOUSLY

NUMERO THREE-O:  T-K-O! ~ This one is a surefire way to end a snuggle with a bang.  In the head.  Materials required:  His face, Your elbow.  Instructions:  Disentangle yourself from a lovely twine-y cuddle with great haste (because, haveta pee!), and in so unwrapping your arm from around his shoulders, push yourself up by the elbow.  With his face as a prop.  (Later, when people look askance at his reddened brow bone, shout-whisper to him about being more careful not to run into doors.)

GO FOURTH, GOOD PEOPLE:  Lose your shit.  Then make him lose his. ~ Literally. I’m just…  I can’t even…  Ermmm… HA!  You know it’s twue wuuuv if you can deal with each other’s shit.  Seriously.  Nguh.

And on that note…

^NOoooo…  No no no no!

/end tutorial/

SO.  What are your amazing seduction techniques, hmmm…?

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NOTE:  Uncredited stock images found on the interwebs. If this work belongs to you, please contact me for accreditation or removal.

12 thoughts on “Squirting. It’s not just for vaginas anymore.

    1. Mrs Fever Post author

      Laughter is a pretty awesome aphrodisiac, that’s for sure. 🙂

      And I don’t know what an ice challenge is, but that can’t be comfortable.

      Reply
      1. Bill Rice

        The ALS ice challenge was a fundraising challenge for charity. Margaret did it her own way.
        I’ve heard that coffee enemas started in the gay community. It makes sense that they would want to be cleaned out before any other activities. Trying different liquids seems like a natural progression. Also, substances absorb quickly in there.

        https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Klismaphilia

        https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alcohol_enema

        In the event of dire need, sea water can be used for rehydration if used anally. While looking for info on that I found a whole bunch of stuff about torture. It was very depressing.

        Reply
        1. Mrs Fever Post author

          I have learned a bit about anal douching from the gay men of my acquaintance. My brother recently shared a story with me about my mom calling him to ask for clarification on the ins and outs (heh) of the process, because my nephew had asked her to help him figure out what to do.

          Guh.

          We both had a laugh over that; he with remembering the awkward conversation, and me from the indelible images conjured in my head with the retelling.

          My family is…

          Interesting.

          Anywhoo… I get that the ice challenge is a fundraiser. I guess I just don’t see the point. Why ice? ALS has nothing to do with hypothermia. And an ice enema?! What in hell was she thinking??? That could actually put your body into shock. Think about it. And frozen poo? NO THANK YOU.

          Reply

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