__________ is for the birds.

Since we so recently touched on the subject of shitty things, let me enlighten you as to where the phrase ‘for the birds’ comes from.

Back in the days of horse-drawn (or horse-carried) transportation methodology, the ’emissions’ didn’t exactly have the same kinds of filters we use today. And since horses ate grains and/or harvest foods that contained seeds that didn’t always fully digest before exiting their bodies, the horse droppings were known to attract birds. Because, hey! Grain! Seeds! Bird Food!

So pretty much when someone says “Such-and-such is for the birds,” what they are really saying is “__________ is horseshit.”

And as much as I dig on birds – and I really do, regardless of certain species’ occasional insistence on squatting illegally in my attic – I recently had a bird experience that was, quite frankly, for the birds.

You see, dear reader, it is starting to get cold outside. And while that can lead to certain kinds of enjoyable warming-up activities, it also necessitates the activation of one (1) modern convenience: it requires the firing up of the furnace.

Which is exactly what I attempted to do approximately ten days ago, when I finally said, “Enough of this shivering-all-night horseshit!” and set the thermostat to Heat: GO.

Except the heat did NOT go.

Nope.

The heat go, “Mrnnnhph…ph. . .hhhhh . . . . .” and then stop.

Enter HVAC guy. (Which… Let me just say that those heating and cooling businesses are all kinds of outta whack on their staffing. “Sorry ma’am, this is our busy time of year” was used as an excuse for why they couldn’t send anyone out sooner than three weeks from Tuesday** more times than I care to count. Whereas, it would seem to me – hellooo, logic – that IF THIS IS YOUR BUSY SEASON, THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE MORE STAFF ON HAND TO WORK DURING THE BUSY-NESS!)

Anywhoo…

Enter HVAC guy.

HVAC guy says, “Lemme take this apart and see what’s going on.”

Five minutes later, HVAC guy says, “So I found your problem.”

And shows me a dead bird.

Apparently, some dim-witted blackbird (probably a relative of the aforementioned Attic Bird) thought he’d fly into the furnace exhaust vent (which was uncovered*** — who knew?!), and while I’m sure he was intent on making a nest, what he made instead was a mess.

Shorted some wiring, damaged the motor.

Etcetera.

So yeah. That was expensive.****

And really… Sometimes I just think all this grown-up-ery is a load of horseshit.

And yes, yes, I know… [air quote] ADULTING [/end air quote] and all that.

But seriously…

The expense of adulting is for the birds.

**I didn’t actually wait that long. I’m not that patient. Or that nice to people who make unreasonable excuses.

***It’s covered NOW.

****My husband found a thingamajig to go over the vent end and it cost about $17. The cost of the repair? Over $1,000. So yeah. Hindsight costs a bloody fortune.