It’s snowing outside. Temps are, for once, justification for my now-always-cold layered-up shivering bone-ness.
I am a perpetual icebox — an odd inversion of the stereotypical ‘hot flash’, due to the fact that my hormones are actually – finally! – in line with where they are supposed to be, thanks to the long-term out-of-whack-ness (caused by my PCOS) having been righted over the past couple of years — and the strange result is that my once-tropic always-ready heat has become The Frozen Tundra of Nope™.
Do I want cuddles? Nope.
Do I want to be touched? Nope, no thank you. Nope.
How about sex? That’d be a big NOPE.
I am cold. Peri-menopause is a detached ice floe, floating unperturbed in a frozen ocean of once-warm desire, and when moisture appears – in a fleeting flurry – it is like so much dry snow.
I am cold.
Today at least, it is justifiable; everyone is cold. The outside temperatures are well below their usual for this geographical location. The proof, for those still uncertain (Northwesterners are consistently dumbfounded by the weather — it’s bizarre; like, Can’t you just look out the window and accept what you see?), can be found in the steam-puffs of air that balloon from people’s mouths as they speak into the frigidity; in the accumulation of white fluff wreaking havoc on once-gray asphalt; in the red-button icy tips of noses peeking out from beneath Columbia coat hoods.
But today’s cold-weather chilliness – the ‘normal’ kind, the kind that affects everybody the same way – is something I experience in my body every day. Which, to transfer that chill-concept to my nether-regions, means that my vagina’s nose is constantly frozen and it’s probably not safe to drive down there.
[And isn’t *that* quite the visual?]
(It’s okay to laugh, people. I do. All the time.)
The schools around here are closed today due to inclement weather. The library is closed, as are many local businesses. Welp. My vagina closed is too. For adverse weather conditions.
I’ve written before about the not-wet-ness I experience, the mismatch in bodily response versus physical reaction that leads to pain during intercourse, the tension of not knowing whether my anatomy is going to work against me or not.
But the thing that came to my attention recently, while talking to my doctor, is the fact of my perpetual cold-ness. Because in explaining to him the past year’s expedition into The Frozen Tundra of Nope™, I also told him how it’s touch-and-go depending on my environment. “We went east of the mountains this summer and it was warm – hot, even,” I said. “And when we were there, it was like I was my old self. I didn’t have a problem at all.”
“Well, yeah,” my doc said (in a funny, not-condescending Duh voice), “you were warm.”
It took a minute for that to sink in, but it makes so much sense.
When your body is cold – whether from illness, hormonal changes, or lack of insulation – your muscles tense up.
And when you are perpetually cold – as I have been, for the past several months – your muscles are perpetually tense. All your muscles. Vaginal muscles included.
Un-tensing those muscles takes a lot more than just a mental/emotional desire for physical contact. The environment has a huge impact as well. If I’m feeling warm in a ‘yes, I feel sexual desire’ kind of way, but my body is not warm enough (or has not been warmed up for a long enough period of time) to proceed with acting on said desires, the result is – of course! – going to be the mixed bag of WhatTheFuck-ery that I’ve been dealing with lately.
.Of course.
I told my husband about this Duh revelation and ever since then, he’s taken to asking me for a weather report from the Land of Snatch™.
“Are you warm?” he’ll ask.
Hmmm… Let’s see… I’m bundled up in a heavy sweatshirt, I have a blanket over my lap and fuzzy hippo slippers on my feet. I’m covered up like this because I’m cold, right? But he can be forgiven for thinking that these layers are making me warm; that’s their purpose, obviously.
BUT
“Nope. Definitely cold.”
He comes over to where I’m sitting and starts shushing his hands over my layer-clad thighs, rapid-palm-rub style.
“What.are.you. Doing?” I ask.
He waggles his eyebrows at me, all Groucho Marx -esque. “I have a vested interest,” he explains, “in keeping you warm.”
Indeed he does.
And maybe – if I ever get warm again for longer than a sweat-moment hot flash; some days it feels like ‘warm’ is a Nevermore fantasy – I’ll share my warmth.
Until then, though…
Brrrr!
.
Bless his eternally-hopeful heart!
😀
He’s got a great attitude. 🙂
Yesterday he said something about inches, in reference to the snow. I said, “When I get interested in inches, I’ll look in your pants.” 😉
[When being the key word.]
We make fun of the whole thing, so it keeps us both in good spirits.
This sounds like a job for Portable Hot Tub Man ….
Of course, where you put it is the question. 😀
Baaahahaha! 😛
Hot tubs are ok, but you can be cold as soon as you leave them. However a sauna will warm you up deeply from the inside. If I were your hubby I’d be investing in one…😜😜
Collaredmichael recently posted…17 Years Ago Today
I’ll pass along the tip. 😉
I did laugh. You have such a great way of writing! That said, it’s terrible to be cold all the time. I seem to finally have my hot flushes under control, but in the evenings I am always cold, and still go to bed like we live somewhere on the North pole, fully clothed from top to bottom…
I hope warmer weather is coming your way so you can warm up again!
Rebel xox
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Well, the weather here won’t be warm for quite a while. However… We’ll be going on a vacation – a long and warm (hot, maybe!) one – in a couple months. I’m counting down the days! 🙂
My libido loss is not due to hormone changes, thankfully … but it has come and gone (but returned again and again) since I was 20 so I understand the frustration – and it’s worse when the other half is not built that way – in his younger years, Frank was not so understanding. I’m happy for you that your man gets it and supports you … I hope your winter trip to warmer climes has your libido packing her bags and going along for the ride … nj … xx
We try to support each other as friends first, in all things. He’s been through a bout of man-o-pause, among his other more serious health challenges, so he gets it in a very “been there” kind of way. It was actually much harder on both of us when he was the one whose libido had tanked.
And yes — warmth, here I come! (Hopefully in more ways than one!) 😊
I agree on the much harder when ‘his’ libido tanked … BP meds being the culprit for Frank … we never saw it coming and it was an eye opener when it did … xx
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This is so well put! I hope that the weather improves soon enough to keep you pleasantly and happily ‘warm’
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Thanks for bravely sharing this piece Fev.
You mention a close relationship with your doctor WRT to PCOS, but you probably should see an Endocrinologist about persistent low body temperature, in particular thyroid function.
Libido loss really is a b****h. Lady Thomas was struck down with vaginismus 6 mths into our marriage, but as it turned out, for deep childhood emotional issues. At the other end of life, my prostate cancer treatment put the nail in the coffin of my libido. C’est la vie.
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I’ve been to an endocrinologist. And my thyroid function is normal; it’s been tested, thoroughly and often.
The thing about PCOS that a lot of people don’t understand is that it causes higher than normal levels of testosterone in the body. That abnormal surge of hormones – while great fuel for the ability-to-orgasm fires – acts like a furnace ignition.
Combine that with abnormal (which, for me, meant almost NO) periods, and you get a long-term simulation of (extended) hot-flash symptoms most often associated with perimenopause.
So for years, I had an internal thermostat set at a gazillion degrees.
Now, with my hormones regulated and for the first time in decades considered “normal” (estrogen particularly), the drop from such a high temp to a more regular one translates to “cold.”
The fact that I live in a cold, rainy place just exacerbates that feeling.
Warm temps are my friend. I will be spending a significant amount of time basking in heat and sunshine (because, vacation) very soon. I’m looking forward to it. (As is my spouse, for obvious and understandably different reasons.)
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