For those of you who have been here a while (and have been paying attention), this will come as no surprise. For the rest of you: Sex – particularly of the penetrative variety – is of extremely little interest to me right now, primarily because my peri-menopausal libido has decided to join an expedition to the Arctic, so what little lovin’ my body is getting is mostly coming (heh) at odd times and by my own hand{s}.
And y’know… Sometimes these hands of mine are like, “STOP it already! You’re nowhere near cumming and you’re gonna give me carpel tunnel!”
So in case any of the rest of you — perhaps in my middle-aged age bracket and perhaps not — ever experience the same press press, rub rub, ohforfuck’ssake never.MIND kind of masturbatory experience, I thought I’d share a few of the things that work for me when I find myself in that “Welp! I guess I’m not gonna cum after all…” situation.
Ready?
‘Kaythen…
Tip #1 — Just STOP, already.
And you’re like, Whaaa…?!?!
I know, right?
But seriously. Sometimes it’s best for my mental health (and my tendonitis) to just leave off and let go. Not only because I can get into a “this is a fucking nuisance of a chore” mental state about the whole thing, but also because if what you’re doing isn’t working, it’s best to stop doing it.
I find that there are times when I feel — and ‘feel’ is a tetchy word, because the ‘feel’ I’m talking about has nothing to do with emotion and neither is it necessarily sensorisomatic — like I *should* masturbate. Or like I need to have a maintenance orgasm or something. Because, __________ [insert dubious reason here].
And sometimes it works to do that.
But when it’s not working, I’ve learned to just give myself a fucking break (pun intended) and not push for something that my body and/or mind is rejecting.
In almost everything else in life, I am a firm believer in If you start something, you damn well better finish it. If there is difficulty, I figure that difficulty exists for me to overcome it. DETERMINATION, baby!
But with masturbation?
Meh. Nevermind.
*laugh*
Tip #2 — Well, if you MUST continue… Slow the fuck down.
Like, literally, in the event you are fucking yourself with something. Slow the fuck down.
Or if – like me – you’re more of a manual masturbator, just…
S L O W
d
o
w
n
Slow and steady wins the race and all that jizz jazz.
Seriously: I find that even if I’m not moving my fingers quickly, I sometimes move in such a way that what was once stimulating is now just… MEH.
But when I slow down — like WAY down — and focus my attention on each minute (pronounced: my-noot 😉 ) movement, on feeling the nuanced variances in pressure, falling into the sensate experience…
It’s just much MUCH better.
And, ironically, there are times that slowing down to the barest of movement is what will make me cum the fastest.
(This has always been true for me with intercourse too. As a general rule, I cannot.STAND pounding/jackhammering. But when he slows his slide to a milometer-by-milometer glide so that I can feel every ridge? Oh hell yes. And when he stops all together so I can just squeeze my muscles around his cock while I rub my clit? Unf. Those orgasms come fast and hard and sometimes are powerful enough to roll together, one on into the next.)
Tip #3 — Change position.
This should pretty much be a no-brainer. But seriously, how often do you find your mind wandering during sexperimental time and realize your brain is not engaged at all?
When I engage my brain during masturbation, I sometimes realize “This isn’t working.”
I also then – more often than not – recognize the fact that it could work if I would just change position.
And while ‘change position’ can mean “flip over” or “lay on your side” or “do a headstand,” it can also mean something much lazier.
Okay, maybe not lazier, per se, but…
Relaxing your lower back muscles, pressing your heels into the mattress, tightening your core, engaging your thighs… Those are all things that are small movements in terms of body mechanics but that can be huge advantages when it comes to getting your body to work with you toward orgasm.
And that’s kind of the point, right?
If you said, “No, that’s NOT the point,” then Tip #4 is for you: Touch yourself somewhere else.
For me – and it should be abundantly clear by now that these are things that work for ME; your mileage may vary – I have so little libido at the moment that if all the effort I’m putting into getting myself off is not going to finish me off, I don’t really see the point.
But I recognize that not everyone is wired that way, regardless of whether low libido is an issue, so I will state for the record that masturbation does not have to be (only) about orgasming. Sometimes it may take a really long time to get there; other times it may require more __________ [insert whatever you need more of, here]; yet others it’s about exploring your own body and leisurely walking the course (rather than sprinting to the finish line).
So with that in mind, sometimes I talk to myself like: Lady, leave your lady bits alone for a bit.
In which case, I focus on touching other parts of myself and relaxing into the massage/caress/pull/scritch I experience at my own fingertips for a while.
Sometimes I find something in those explorations that flips a switch. In which case, I can usually finish what I started (if ‘orgasm’ equals ‘finishing’).
Other times, it’s just a nice way to come down(?) That might not be the right descriptor, really, but it’s de-stressing somehow (and masturbation is, for me, used quite often a stress-relief activity) to self-soothe in a sensual way without the pressure of ending with an orgasm.
If that makes sense.
And if things ARE working, but you just need that *little* bit extra to put you over the edge? Tip #5 — IMAGINE DRAGONS.
I mean… You don’t have to imagine dragons. Perhaps some other fantasy will work.
But for me?
Yep. It’s dragons.
*laugh*
So remember that sexy schmexy fantasy-ish otherworldly-creature sex I wrote about way back when?
WELP, let’s just say I’ve been (mentally) expounding on the theme lately.
Like, even though I rather abhor the actuality of penetration these days (because, more often than not: OUCH), and especially of regular-sized cock-type penetration…
Something about the imagining of the stretched-to-the-point-of-pain dragon dick just works for me. (And it’s not that hard to imagine, really. I mean… Have you seen the Bad Dragon lineup of sex toys? OY.)
Anywhoo…
Don’t ask me why dragons are my deal; I have no explanation.
But yeah…
When I’m getting close but I can’t get over: I imagine dragons.
(And no, the whole teeth-and-claws thing doesn’t bother me a bit. They’re my dragons, mentally at least, so they’re… Tame dragons. Oh sure, they’d rip YOU apart. But not me. They’re kind of like pets. Only not, if you see what I mean.) 😛
What can I say?
It’s a last resort.
But it works every time!
😉
Do you struggle to orgasm when you masturbate?
What makes masturbation work for you?
Great post Feve! 😁
Thank you — it’s nice to see you; it’s been a while. 🙂
Dragons.
They’re always there for us… 😉
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As steady as the build-up of laundry… 😉
(And requiring far less detergent!)
Great post! But – did anyone else wonder whether they could masturbate to the “Imagine Dragons”, or is that just the way my stupid head works?
https://www.youtube.com/user/ImagineDragons
I have a couple of F/m playlists with Imagine Dragons songs on them. 😉
Do I struggle sometimes? Yeah, but not often… then again, I can get that “I need to take care of this” feeling and just taking myself in hand and, um, refamiliarizing myself with my lifelong friend without anything happening other than getting hard just kinda works… and sometimes not. There are times when making that mess has to be done – that painful blue balls thing that is no joke at all but the… rush to get there starts to make it a bad job.
So relax. Slow down. I’ve got a tremendous wealth of sexual experiences stored in my head (and, yeah, being bisexual helps in this) so it’s like flipping through a movie guide until my mind latches on to something and making myself be in that moment instead of the one I’m currently in and… success! Relief! Holy shit did I really need that! Okay… what was I doing? Oh, yeah, well, I’ll get back to that in a moment, you know, after I catch my breath and all that.
What works? It just does. As my mom loved to say, “Getting old is for the birds!” and she was right about that; tack on the expected but dreaded male prostate issues and it messes with your head about maybe losing something that’s been a part of your life for an amount of time ya might not want to really think about. It still feels very good and even when I have to get… creative in doing it and the good thing is I’ve never been shy about being creative.
The thing I love about masturbating in my old age is that I don’t need an “excuse” to do it or have to wait for some moment to go hide to do it; kinda nice to be sitting and watching TV and feel like doing it… and just doing it. Need to do it. Want to do it. No sense in not doing it and the messy ending isn’t always the main goal although, yep, that just works, too.
I like that “movie” style recall of past events. Remembering – or re-imagining, based on remembrance – is a delightful way to go. 🙂
And yeah… Getting old is for the birds. *laugh*
I loved this and could relate having been in most of these situations at some point. I always feel like I have invested too much to give up which really makes no sense. missy x
Yes, exactly! 😉
Dragons, hmmmm…. I’ll have to try that should the situation arise. Not that my imagination isn’t fertile enough. (or that things aren’t rising) Well, it would have to be female Dragons for me anyway. Ahh hell… I’m going to try it right now.
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Hahaha! 😛
Enjoy… 😉
Long time lurker here. I have a question you obviously don’t have to answer. What does Mr Fever do now that your libido has waned? I have these concerns for my wife. She isn’t there yet but I know menopause is close. Why doesn’t he help you with these times you need to orgasm?
He helps me when I want him to. Mr Fever has had his own issues with libido throughout our relationship, so we – together – just take my own changes all in stride.
As far as “what he does,” our sex life is still active if that’s what you’re asking. But when I masturbate it’s typically in the middle of the night because I can’t sleep. I’ve never woken him up for this; I don’t intend to start now.
Imagine dragons… I don’t imagine dragons, but I do have my go-to-mental-images that work for me. Great tips here, Feve, although I must say I haven’t thought about the slow down one… I have to remember that 🙂
~ Marie
I think in some ways it’s more instinctual to speed up. But that has never worked for me; it just makes me frustrated.
Dragons??? You are fucking me! Well, actually you are not but dragons, really? I know that feeling when you are desperate to cum, actually frantic, and you just can’t get there. Time I will think Dragons and see if that helps.
I’m post to read, Feve.
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Click the link to the dragon-sex post — you’ll see. 😉
I just did. I’m not thinking Dragons!!! 😂
😛
These are some brilliant masturbation tips! I think we definitely need to de-emphasis the orgasm as the goal of masturbation – I often find it much easier to get off if I’m not trying to come at all.
It’s definitely a different mindset, but that mental shift is helpful sometimes. 🙂
It’s a practical set of ideas !
I wonder if there ever were creatures like dragons, anyway?
Hmmm…
It makes you wonder, doesn’t it? They are one of the only creatures found in mythology across the entire globe. Folklore comes from somewhere, right? It could be a relic of the collective human memory, based on dinosaurs… But it could also be something else. 🙂
As I’m in a similar state of lack of libido (and I’m blaming it in part of my VERY early-stages of perimenopausal state), I’m very much using tip number one. That being said, the rest of these tips are amazing, and if I ever even find the desire to masturbate at all I will definitely keep them in mind.
I think sometimes we forget that Tip #1 is perfectly valid. 🙂
(And with so much happening in the world right now to inhibit libido, I’ve no doubt that we aren’t alone in using that particular strategy.)
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It seems a depressed libido is common in women going through menopause. That can be depressing for some. But I’ve heard several say that forcing the issue can revert the libido back to pre-menopausal levels.
I like that you masturbate when the spirit moves you. I always am excited to hear my Queen masturbated. She doesn’t do it often, but sometimes when I’m at work and not available she will feel frisky and take matters into her own hands. On occasion she will even send me pics of the event. That makes Angus push against his bars.
So dragons do it for you? Perhaps you would have felt comfortable in Game of Thrones as the Mother of Dragons? Just thinking… it would have been marvellous to watch you exit the burning building naked… 😜
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I’ve not seen Game of Thrones, but I can easily envision myself as Lady Sybil in Terry Pratchett’s Discworld novel Guards! Guards! 😋
I’m menopausal and struggle with my libido and ability to orgasm. Thank you for the tips. Escpecially the one about slowing down. Do you have the Draken dragon dildo? I’ll be running a giveway for one next month!
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I don’t have any of the Bad Dragons (yet) but I’d like to get one. Maybe a Kelvin…
I’ll come check out your contest. 🙂
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I have had that experience – ehhh it just ain’t going to happen – from my hand and my man’s – best thing is to laugh and that seems to relieve the stress of wanting it and not getting it . Making it easier on me and/or him and then a surprise – oh my goooooodness – I am coming lol
May x
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I’m sure glad I’m the opposite of you it may be solo but I’m finding ways to feel great I sure wish I new 40 years ago. It will get better fev
Everyone has their own “normal,” and ‘normal’ is always subject to change.