(with thanks to KDPierre, who got me thinking about this)
Morning
It comes on him fast: the quick-quick-slow-quick brush strokes of my hand along his shaft are as unpredictable as his reaction to them, and a fast clench of fuck muscles alongside a momentary startled outrush of breath are the only clues I have that he has crossed the point of no return.
It’s not a problem, exactly…
But giving him an orgasm wasn’t my intention, either.
So, rather than following through and allowing the ‘finished’ feeling that comes with pumping through ejaculation, I instead remove my hand altogether. He still twitches and spurts, but it is a delayed, confused spilling; his physiognomy has finished but his mind does not get the message. He does not feel finished.
And me?
Well, I think it’s only fair.
Because while we are by no means on any kind of set schedule where his orgasms are concerned, I’m pretty sure he *just* had one (after giving me one) and there’s certainly no reason he should be having another one just yet. Not a real one, anyway. So I think this morning’s ruined orgasm is a fair compromise.
The Next Day
He struts, rooster-like, into my room and makes a cheeky comment about ‘going again’ (referring to the previous day’s amorous adventures) and my response — “No, I think you’ve had quite enough” — is met with even more cheek.
“You’ve got at least a month to wait, I think,” I say.
To which he mutters woefully something along the lines of, “But it might be a whole year!”
So without skipping a beat, I continue what I was doing prior to his interruption — effectively dismissing him — with, “Well, if that’s how you feel about it, I think I’ll make it two years.”
The Gist
And you see…
Here’s the thing:
(And we’ve talked about this; it does not amount to any kind of serious altercation in even the remotest way. We both understand the other’s reasoning and there is no animosity between us on the issue. So this is not about drama or discord; it is about reality. The reality of orgasm control (or tease and denial) when we are dealing, additionally, with mismatched libidos and menopausal ‘meh’.)
When I’ve given you (‘you’ being in this instance ‘my spouse’ but I am using ‘you’ because I want YOU — yes, you!, dear reader — to try to see this from my point of view) sexual attention, and then you complain about not getting enough sexual attention…
You’ve just shot yourself in the foot.
Because if you are complaining about not getting enough of something I just gave you, I certainly have no incentive to want to give you more. Or to give you ANY, for that matter.
It’s rather like telling someone who has just given their best — their best performance, their best skill at completing a task, their most-available energy, their valuable time and concentration to do something for you — and instead of being appreciative of their efforts, telling them, “Your best isn’t good enough. I want more.”
Well…
Let’s see, how can I put this…
Oh I know! How about:
Fuck off, junior.
The Male1 Sense of Entitlement
Men — and this is my opinion, which is based on my observances and experiences; your opinion may be different and that’s okay — often seem to have the opinion that their orgasm{s} matter. That they are important, somehow. That they deserve to have one.
This attitude presents itself in a multitude of ways and under the general umbrella of ‘relationships’ — regardless of the type of relationship2 or the sex/gender or seriousness/casualness of the relationship configuration.
Even in relationships where control/denial of orgasms is part of the programme.
And I’m just not down with that.
The Real World
I have no fabulous conclusion, no one-size-fix-all for this phenomenon.
I just wanted to mention it.
Because as much as I enjoy the fact that people read this blog for its entertainment value, I never wish to present, through the various ‘entertainments’ published here, a false idea of {my} reality.
I live in the real world, after all.
And in the real world, Orgasm Entitlement is a reality.
Even, sometimes, in not-focused-on-male-orgasms relationships like mine.
.
1While I do not mean to be exclusionary of my non-binary readers, I personally believe that this has much to do with how AMAB people are socialized and what the societal messages are toward/about male sexuality in general. (See also: male ejaculation being the nearly-exclusive focus of the mainstream porn industry on a macro level, female orgasms woefully under-numbering male orgasms in most hetero relationships on a micro level, etc.)
2One of my brothers, for example, is gay and was once part of an MMM triad. We have discussed this topic (among others — he’s the only person in my family who has any clue about my forays into non-monogamy) and he agrees that in his experience, this is also A Thing.TM
I have not been allowed to have a direct orgasm for 21 years.
My wife was going through menopause at the time.
Since then, I am only allowed anal orgasms.
Actually, that is fair.
I love my wife very much.
I suspect there is much more to that story. 🙂
The fact that you mention your wife’s menopause being a starting point is interesting.
Personally, I think it is “helpful” (not the right word, exactly, but I’m not sure what other word to use) that we have long played tease & denial games, because it mitigates the lessened activity we are experiencing as a result of my menopausal symptoms.
I would really like to hear more about this at some point, Christian! XOXO
Well, I’m glad I got you thinking, because what you wrote got ME thinking even more. (I now believe a good solid follow-up may be in the works for the near future.) Thank you for the mention as well!
I for one cannot dispute any of your points. I will say that I do believe there are more reasons than just ejaculation-focus in porn for why this entitlement is so pervasive. I can think of about 5 biggies just counting on my fingers. (I’m one of those exceptions to male online sex blog readers who actually CAN count on my fingers since my one hand is NOT wrapped around my ‘entitled’ penis. LOL But….>grin<…..I don't want to give too much away in brief, when I can make a whole, juicy post out of this. 😉
BUT……………here's what I will say and mean, and man is it going to come across as some real subby-boy, sycophantic groveling. LOL. But, I have to give you sincere credit for confidently flying in the face of this widespread belief. My Rosa is very much like you in this and this opinion is what enables her to be such an excellent arbiter of my sexuality. This is not an easy thing to govern. However, your writing reveals a mindset that not just reminds me of hers, but positively reinforces my commitment to altering my own perceptions. See, it's one thing to have a spouse who feels this way, but to hear it from another person, (who I recognize as reasonable and intelligent, and not in any way arbitrarily hateful of their spouse) lends support to this radical notion. Essentially, if I'm going to live this way, it helps to know I am not the only one and neither is Rosa in her role and view. So….thanks. Not just a good post. Not just cerebral fodder for a post of my own. Not just an airing of a view too often misunderstood and contradicted by a lot of conflicting influences in the general population. But a personal bit of reassurance that we're all not crazy…..or if we are, we aren't alone. 😉
KDPierre recently posted…Repurposing O’s
I think you’re right that there are multiple indications, culturally, of how this socialization/belief plays out. And it starts at a young age. I don’t know if you read the blog Denying Thumper, but I remember something Thumper wrote a long time ago about how, from a very young age, his penis was “his best friend.” He expounded on how stroking it or holding/fondling it became a second-nature act early in life and how that ‘attachnent’ — which is both psychological and emotional — grew over time and later influenced/reinforced his idea that not only was masturbation/ejaculation right, but that it was somehow HIS RIGHT.
There was a lot more to it — he’s generally thoughtful and articulate — but basically, he got into the underlying male mindset. (I may not be explaining it well, but it’s relevant here.) And really, I think that socially/culturally males are conditioned into that “it’s my right” kind of thinking. So this entitlement… It’s not that it’s *taught* – not explicitly – but it’s there.
“And in the real world, Orgasm Entitlement is a reality.”
All of your post had me thinking on past relationships, and especially that line will stay with me for a long time…
~ Marie xox
*smile*
Excellent writing! There has always been the disparity between male and female orgasms and that sense of entitlement for both – and I’m not going to get all into non-binary stuff so I can keep this rooted and grounded in the realm of simplification. Orgasm denial is a “thing” that I don’t pretend to understand but the thing of “may I have another” is quite familiar. I don’t know about anyone else but the “push” was always about making sure the woman had orgasms and if it was at the expense of the man not having one, oh, well – sucks to be you, dude. Yeah, if you get us off, sure – gimme another one because why not?
I rather like it when the push is toward more orgasms for women. 😉
Excellent post, Mrs. Fever! I will be rolling this concept around in my mind for a bit 🙂 XOXO
*smile*
Fantastic post. There is a lot in there that resounds with my experience. Especially about the part where he complains that it isn’t enough when he has JUST has what he doesn’t get enough of. For a large part of my life I have been confused and slightly obsessed by the question “What is enough?” It has made my sex life difficult to navigate.
“What is enough?” is quite a question! And ‘enough’ for whom???
This was a really interesting read, especially for me when our dynamic perpetuates this idea. I find it hard to resolve because it is in my make up to respond to this sort of entitlement on a sexual level, where as a person set apart from that I can see it quite differently. In my role teaching sex Ed, for example, I make sure that there is a strong focus on pleasure for both and we try to dispel the myths perpetuated by porn. Consent is seen as being the key but I think that too often this is not seen as a broad enough thing and so females feel less assertive because of their conditioning and experience. As you point out, males can feel more assertive because of theirs. This is definitely a post which has got me thinking and I am very aware that I choose to practice something that I don’t promote. It is complex I guess, as is sexual charge. Missy x
Yes. I agree — it is complex. And while”whose orgasm is important” is not explicitly a matter of consent, but of pleasure, I think girls are taught on some level to acquiesce (which is NOT consent, but is often bracketed as ‘consent’… but that is a whole nother conversation!) precisely because of this — his pleasure is what matters.
As a consenting adult who actively chooses to kink to this idea, I think you’re standing on pretty solid ground. It’s rather like teaching nutrition — you focus on the ideal of balance, right? But that doesn’t mean it works that way for you personally, in practice. Yet you can still be healthy.
If that makes sense.
Everyone has their own ideas about the need, frequency and ability to interrupt orgasm. It was interesting to know your point of view.