Questionable Communications

I have written before about the ridiculous messages that my spam filter ‘traps’ for me — why it can’t decide for itself that “hot sex brown gorgeous bondage” followed by 47 hyperlinks IS, indeed, SPAM, makes no sense to me — to approve/delete.

And while those various flavors of spam are sometimes entertaining, the process of culling through them is mostly tedious.

But comments – spammy ones and real ones alike – are only one form of communications attached to this blog.

I also have email.

The email attached to this blog is something I don’t always remember to check; I mostly just get admin notifications there (like “your site is running an outdated version of three plug-ins — please visit your dashboard) and for some reason I get an email ping every time I have a new comment.

But I also get emails there forwarded from my ‘contact’ page…

Many of which I PURPOSELY IGNORE, because the senders have obviously purposely ignored my “I will ignore you!” message:

…and I also occasionally get random messages — unexplained, without context, signed in ways that are not make-sense-able — directly addressed to my email.

Like this one:

I have redacted the name given — it’s not a name I recognize, it’s not a known commenter’s name, and quite frankly, given that there is NO CONTEXT, I don’t fucking care what his name is anyway — because I’m nice like that.

But seriously?

Who the fuck are you? Do you read my blog? What do you want? You have curiosity about what, exactly? Since none of those things are stated, I can answer So what happen if i send you that mail? question thus:

I will use ‘that mail’ as an example of WHAT NOT TO DO WHEN YOU EMAIL ME in a blog post.

And y’know…

Maybe — maybe — I would respond if you said something like, “My name is __________ and I have been reading your blog recently. I am not a blogger myself but I sometimes comment on your blog using the handle __________. I am curious about some of the things you’ve written on the topic of __________. If you don’t mind, I would like to email you some questions.”

MAYBE.

But Jayzus, is the *actual* email I received — and this is not a lone incident; I get all kinds of weird shit like this, some of which is creepy as fuck — is a steaming pile of /delete/.

And then there are those who seem to understand that I have a contact form and they take the time to use it…

But they don’t seem to have read my Rules of Engagement or understand that I am not “for hire.”

Like this little gem:

Hello Mrs., I wonder why it’s sooooo difficult for Women Professionals (female from birth) to put on Closed Pointed Toe High Heel Pumps, point and focus the cellphone or laptop cam on the pumps for about 5-7 minutes, I see the Live Cam and Masturbate to a pleasurable (in scientific notation x^10) Strength of the Climax?

There was more to this message — including a name and a return email, so if you’re a fetish cammer with spikey high heels, I’ll gladly share the details and maybe you can perform a ‘professional’ service (for free, of course) of the variety this communications expert is looking for! — none of which is appropriate, and ALL OF WHICH makes me want to reach through the screen and break the sender’s fingers so he can’t type messages like this to anyone else for at least six weeks.

Just…

Grrr!

*sigh*

When other bloggers email me, they all seem to know how to ‘do’ email.

When legit questions are posed by reasonable readers, those email exchanges will sometimes become conversations, which eventually inspire posts of their own.

But lately…

Let’s just say that this is how I feel about the questionable communications I’ve been receiving: